February 2019 - maljoylove

Positive Hardcore Sunday

Posted on February 24, 2019 by maljoylove

This morning I woke up with an impulse to write, but I ignored it in favor of going to the gym. It was my first Sunday workout in a while! I have returned since, eaten an early lunch (brunch?) and would like to share my thought from this morning:

I had a dream last night that I was in an airport (my brain has created it’s own world so it’s an airport that I’ve been in in my brain multiple times… there’s a lot of stairs and an indoor/outdoor quick service food court), and I had missed my flight by THAT much. It looked like they had JUST closed the gate, though. I think my flight took off at 6:25, and at 6:25 they had just shut the door to that tunnel that links the airport to the plane. What do they call that thing? Anyway, I knew that I could just call my mom and she could help, but I felt so anxious to call my mom because I knew she would be so disappointed that I missed my flight, especially because I think I had missed my flight to eat a snack or something.

I just remembered that my flight was to New York. In conclusion: my brain is clearly sending off nervous signals that I’m falling behind, particularly on my dream to move to New York, and that I know it’s okay and it will all be fine eventually, but I’m most stressed that my mistakes will have my mom thinking I’m a failure.

So, there’s that.

“Missing Identity.” *Spongebob Squarepants*. Nickelodeon. 19 January 2004.

I made it a mission today to catch up on my Youtube motivation maven, Amy Landino. She’s written a book on vlogging, maintains a growing Youtube channel, and gives lectures on productivity, creating a brand online, and how to go after the life you want. She does two videos a week and a podcast, and I like to not watch immediately so I can binge and take notes. I don’t like listening to her at work because I value what she has to say! I’m revisiting one or two videos I already watched because I was folding laundry at the time, and I figured I’d take my notes here.

EPISODE 1 — Improve your life right now | 3 Simple Ways

Listen to Positive Podcasts. Amy recommends listening when you are doing “mindless” activities, like cutting vegetables, walking the treadmill, things that don’t require all your focus. She recommends a few, but here are the podcasts that I want to listen to (and the ones I currently listen to now): The Skinny Confidential, Detail Therapy, Your Own Magic, and the Goop podcast. Amy recommends finding a podcast that is about a language you want to learn to passively integrate that language into your life. Coincidentally, a friend was asking what goals I had by the time I turned 30, and one of them was to learn Hebrew, French, or Italian (maybe all three? Ambitious, but if I master one I can move to another, right?). I’m going to find a podcast on one of those languages and start there!
Start investing money into your future. Roll over spare change using Acorn, an app that creates an investment account for you. I’m betting seven dollars ~~she’s sponsored by Acorn.~~ Okay she said she wasn’t but she has a link in the description, so YOU TELL ME. At any rate I am very poor and have a lot of student debt, so I’m going to take a look. At the very least my spare change from grocery shopping and pushing my luck at Sephora will start to benefit me.

Mulaney, John. The Comeback Kid. Netflix, 2015

Realize how much outer order is inner calm. Organize your space. Declutter one area of your home. She recommends finding that space in your house where you know something is in there but there’s so much junk that you can’t find it immediately. This is a targeted threat to my makeup drawer and I won’t stand for it. But I will clean it out ~~now~~ after I finish my Amy Landino catch-up, because I do want to go to Sephora and update my inventory with products I want to incorporate into my routine (I’m going on (con)tour in 2019).

Voila! One video done. I’m going to go put my dishes by the sink and take out the trash, then move on to the next video. Please hold.

Hello, I have returned. Dishes are by the sink, trash has been replaced, but I have a complaint: Aaron INSISTS on using these white trash bags that are super tiny and don’t stay attached to the lip of the bin. Meanwhile, when I use the big black trash bags, he has a conniption even though they’re CLEARLY better than the white ones he uses.

I also took a quick shower because I’m noticing the longer I stay in my workout bra, the more likely I am to have breakouts on my shoulders and my back. One pair of “genie pants” and a Mitchell Robbins tee shirt later, I am back with Amy, who is doing a 30+ minute Q + A. With that time-length, I’m going to accomplish things in between videos. All day blog? All day blog.

“Camping.” *Parks and Recreation*. NBC. 24 March 2011.

EPISODE 2 — How I Deal with Failure | Q + A

In this vlog, Amy’s wearing a pullover grey shirt that’s merch from another Youtuber, and it just says “tired girl club.” Honestly, a mood. Might have to find that shirt later.

Where can you find a good mentor?
Amy: I could be your mentor!
Me: You already are, love you!
She recommends finding multiple mentors for different aspects of your life. Different people can provide different energies!

She’s not wrong. I like looking to her for productivity guidance, but I follow several spiritual influencers for finding my inner mental peace (great poetry and great guided meditations, yo!). I look to Whitney Simmons for fitness advice, and I look to my cousin Stephanie for career and finance advice. For brutal honesty, I tend to go to fictional characters, like Jack Donaghy or Sue Sylvester. Caricatures they may be, but they don’t tolerate failure and tend to be my inner call-out to not be lazy and work harder. Speaking of fictional characters, Blair Waldorf, Brooke Davis, and Rachel Gatina guide my inner confidence queen.

For everything else, there’s Mom 🙂

I’m not going to write every question out, because she’s answering personal questions about herself, but if she tosses out a tip or two, I’ll share here.

Productivity Tools You Recommend?
She uses Trello for communicating with her assistant (I’m guessing it’s like Google Docs meets Slack. I’m irrelevant and have no assistant, so doesn’t really apply to me). She adores her bullet journal, too! I’ve tried Bullet Journaling and I’m terrible at it. I should look to it again because I got two BuJos for the holidays. Make it happen March 1? Maybe.

When you feel like you’re “stuck in molasses,” what do you do to get out?
This is in reference to her “Detail Therapy” podcast, in which actress Leah Pipes related her feelings of anxiety and depression to being stuck in molasses. Amy says she doesn’t think she’s ever felt true anxiety or depression, but when she’s had her bouts of insecurities, she does things that feel normal, things that are productive, to put her back in the right mindset. She thinks that she is so busy that she doesn’t have the time to ruminate on her feelings or get stuck in a negative space. That’s where I’M trying to be, honestly. And again… positive podcasts!

Okay, she’s talking about her routine, and I just have to envy: her schedule inhibits her to wake up early, do a skin routine, write for three pages, meditate, go to the gym, then start her work day. Can’t relate, for now. My 8-5 means that my morning time is limited.

How do you overcome feelings of failure?
She hates her answer, but it’s “Don’t dwell.” Forget your ego (the twinge of embarrassment) and move forward with your day!

I have about seven minutes left in this Q & A. I’m going to put my clothes in the laundry and grab my laptop charger before I turn on the next video. Aaron got me flowers for Valentine’s Day, and they were so pretty… and now they are dead. I’ll throw them on the lawn before the next video too. Return them to the earth from whence they came.

What music do you listen to when you need to focus?
Brain Food focus playlist on Spotify!

Q&A over, and I have tossed my flowers and plugged in my phone. Aaron still had clothes in the washer so I am going to wait until next video to add my laundry to the wash.

EPISODE 3 — How I Plan with Bullet Journal

I’m not going to watch this one. I’m calling it a “Call to Action,” or a Sign from the Universe, to start bullet journaling. I will watch this later this week as a template to start a bullet journal next month. This will take a good chunk of time, so I’m going to dedicate another night this week to do that.

Laundry? In washing machine.
Water? In a highball glass on the coffee table in front of me.
Wasp? Dead in the corner after sneaking in with the flower disposal
Hotel? Trivago.

EPISODE 4 — Calendar Blocking My Productive Weekend

This episode is more like a vlog, so there’s less tips, likely. In the meantime, I’m going to grab the perfectly giraffe status bananas to chop up and freeze for smoothies this week.

Here’s my work station for the “aesthetic”:

I have Star Wars Ziploc bags because I’m a winner.

Amy’s hair and nails always look beautiful. I’m so torn about how to make that a possibility for me. I put straightening my hair on my to-do list for today, but I just wish I could keratin my hair to save time. It’s a lot of money, but it’d save me so much time and energy!

New item on the agenda: Find keratin discount near me.

Honestly, not a moment too soon on these banoot-noots. Any smoothie-maker worth their salt knows that there’s a point where the bananas are between being ripe and overripe where they’re almost… not furry, but a bit more soft than they should be. Another day and they would have needed to be a base for a breakfast brownie (and considering I killed off my cocoa powder last night, that would not have been ideal).

Her video has ended before finishing my bananas, so I’m going to finish my bananas with the next video, then pause to turn on the stove to make some hard-boiled eggs for the week. Food prep! Yay!

EPISODE 5 — Get More Done with Time Batching

Think about laundry — you do it in loads, not one dirty sock at a time. Time batching is like laundry, only with tasks you do on a regular basis. You put the things that are similar to each other and do them all in one swoop. For example, if you’re a writer, taking an afternoon to do three writing assignments to get ahead. It’s a time for “deep focus.”

Whattaya know? I’ve “time batched” my Amy Landino videos today! Ugh, I’m already lightyears ahead.

Time Batching could work for me, but I feel like my time needs to be optimized for pockets during the day every day vs. a big square of time once a week or a month. I want to meditate daily, do evening yoga, read more. I guess the latter could be done during a time batch. I read an entire book over the morning of last Monday, right?

Amy’s List of Ideas for What to Batch:

Creative Time (writing, reading a book, making videos)
Administrative tasks (calendar blocking, emails)
Social Media (talking to friends, replying to DMs)
Out-of-office meetings (back-to-back friendship time)

Step 1: Make a list of the things you need to do on a regular basis
1. I work 8-5.
2. I work out about an hour and a half.
3. I clean my house.
4. I spend time with Aaron.
5. I spend time with friends.
6. I plan my wedding/surrounding wedding events.
7. I self care.
8. I read.
9. I relax.
10. I write.
11. I make time for family.
12. I take time for a new skill.
13. I check in with myself mentally to stay balanced.

Step 2: Match Common Tasks to Each Other.
Similar tasks:
Me time: Self care, reading, relaxing, writing.
Relationships: Spend time with Aaron, spend time with friends, spend time with family.
Necessity practices: Working out, going to work.
Mindful practices: Checking in, learning a new skill, planning my wedding.
Mindless practices: Cleaning.

Okay, this isn’t groundbreaking, but why am I not doing a face mask while reading or writing. Also, planning my wedding could be a nice bonding session with Aaron, as we work on the registry, plan the honeymoon, listen to music… find out what the heckin’ bob we’re doing with plus ones for the wedding party. That’s a big flag on the play right now.

Did I use that football analogy correctly? We don’t know.

Step 3: Block out your time. She has an example of time batching for her week that she is sharing. She divides her days as her time batching, content creation vs. production vs. voice work, as well as whether or not she’s going to be expected to be presentable vs. working in her sweatpants (color coding: red means “look fire.” Love that).

Step 4: COMMIT AND DO IT.
And I will, Amy! At another time, because it’s 2PM and my laundry is done in the wash. She’s right, this is the hardest part.

I have separated my laundry, and the eggs are quietly simmering. After this video, I will put them on ice and empty the dishwasher.

EPISODE 6 — Working from Home: What I Wish I Knew

I, thankfully, get to work from home one day a week. That extra hour in the morning (the time I spend doing my makeup, putting together an outfit, and driving to work) is pure joy.

There weren’t a whole lot of tips this time around, probably because I follow the same routine that she does: avoid distractions and still stick to a routine before you start your work.

I found several offers of keratin treatments near me! I’m going to research them in a bit, but first– eggs and dishes.

PLOT TWIST – Dishwasher was only half full, so I filled it up with dirty dishes. Eggs are cooling, dishwasher is running.

EPISODE 7 — The Word I’m Quitting to Better My Relationships

What’s that word? Bum bum BUM: Keeping Busy.

That’s a phrase, not a word. In this context, she means that she doesn’t discuss what she does, and instead just creates an atmosphere of “I’m too busy to care about you, my boyfriend, my clients.” Let’s eliminate the concept of “busy.” Really have a conversation of what you’re up to lately, open up to a person, talk about yourself and then hear what they have to say.

After this video, I’m going to check my laundry. If it’s done, I’m going to grab and fold it during the next video. If it’s not, I’m going to finally finally FINALLY clean my car. It’s been a long time coming, months in the making, horrifying I know, but I’m finally doing it, okay? Get AT me.

One, technically two bags of trash later, my car is halfway clean. There’s still a lot of Tupperware and two pairs of shoes in there, but I wanted to get all the candy wrappers out of there (there was an embarrassing amount of food wrapping and receipts). I put the chilled eggs in the fridge, but my laundry still needs another half hour, forty five minutes ish in the dryer.

EPISODE 8 — My Greatest Career Accomplishment

Amy is reflecting on the 2 year anniversary of her first book “Vlog Like a Boss.” I can breathe.

It’s 3:45. I’ve been at this for about… five hours! Wow. I found a keratin treatment on Groupon and on my next break I’m going to grab a snack and my credit card to purchase it.

EPISODE 9 — The Real Distractions Killing Your Productivity

Oh look at that, it’s a neat new intro!

INSTA-ENVY. That feeling when you scroll through Instagram and envying other people. You CAN simmer in the negative energy, or you can ask yourself while you follow them, and how that’s working out for you. Are people really motivating you, or is it just making you feel bad for not living that same life? Unfollowing someone doesn’t make you a bad person. If it’s not providing you positive energy, it’s okay to remove them from your scroll!
OVERDOSING ON ADVICE. You learn from not only just taking advice, but from taking action. Yes, seek advice and get information, but put that knowledge into action. Do something with that feedback, that intake, don’t just absorb it.
LACK OF HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. It’s a massive trip-up if you have a chaotic life. Rest, drink water, stay clean in your body and your surroundings.

EPISODE 10 — 30 Days of Meditation | My Surprising Discoveries

Amy meditated for 30 days straight. Let’s take a listen! This was posted two weeks ago, so survey says I have maybe three more videos to go after this one. Not going to get up in between this one, but after this video I’m going to take care of the pots and pans in the sink!

-Schedule it in
-Minimum 10 Minutes
-Headspace App
-Meditation Pillow

Benefits she saw:

Building the habit. It felt good to complete this practice 30 days in a row.
Improvement of visualization. The more time she spent, the more attuned to herself she felt.
Genuine anticipation. She began looking forward to those ten minutes to just be, with no distractions!
Finding more mindful moments. Even if it’s just thirty seconds, she found more pockets during her day to be mindful and connect with herself.
More Time Desired. For her own mental clarity, she stuck with 15, but felt like she could have had more.
Less critical of wandering thoughts. At first, she got mad every time her brain went into thought as opposed to focusing on the practice. That stopped happening after a while, as she got more into her mind and relaxing. It became easier to dismiss her thoughts as time went on during the 30 days.
She feels happier! The consistency helps, and more time could be better, but giving herself that space to clear her mind in the morning just made her feel happier. The things that annoy her and stress her out rolled off her back faster.

Bottom line: Ten minutes a day is doable. I am going to follow in her footsteps and take that challenge!

Update: Five videos left! After this one I’m going to check my laundry and get more water.

EPISODE 11 — ADULTING 101 | 4 Things I Cannot Live Without

These are purchases that have made her life a bit easier!

AAA Membership. Don’t get stuck with a broken down car!
Garment Steamer. I have a mini version of this. I want to put this on the registry!
Tea Kettle. Put it on the stove, and it looks like it’s supposed to be there! I don’t really drink tea, but I do have a nice colorful teapot from my mom and an electric water heater. Close enough!
Bathroom Mirror Clock. Running late because you spend too much time getting ready in the bathroom? Same.

The first load of laundry is done! I put in the more delicate items on low after I took the completed load out, then refilled my glass of water. I think that this I’m only going to watch two more episodes. I feel sleepy, and I want to prepare for my day. That said, I’ve learned a thing or two from today! I added a garment steamer and a makeup mirror to my wedding registry, and I know that after I have dinner tonight, I will listen to a podcast while I clean my bedroom/bathroom/kitchen/makeup drawer/ straighten my hair. Progress!

EPISODE 12 — More Beauty Rest | My Nighttime Tips

Set a bedtime alarm. Go to bed about the same time every night, even if you’re not tired. Whether it’s a time to start your evening routine or when you’re supposed to be asleep, it sets you up to shut down for the day so you have a more restful start to your sleep. I can commit to an 8PM shutdown: jammies on, makeup off, skincare on, clothes ready. Boom boom boom.
Skincare Routine. It’s the ritual that makes you presentable.
Drink something relaxing. Tea is her go-to, but she recommends finding the one that works for you.
Diffuse lavender oil. It’s a relaxing scent, and it inspires contentment. She says it doesn’t need to be lavender, but that is what works for her!
Read a book. She easily falls asleep reading, and unless you find every book riveting, grab a non-bright screened book and get ready to drift off to dreamland.
Listen to calming sounds. White noise, babbling brooks, whatever is right for you, the right sound can help you fall asleep.
Gratitude/Reflection Journaling. What are you grateful for today? What did you do today that you are happy you did? Become at peace with your time today.
Meditation. If your mind keeps moving, clear your mind!
Dark sleep with an eye mask. Open and shut your eyes to absolute darkness. Tell your body it’s time to sleep!

Aaron just came home with groceries. I helped unload, and now it’s time for the last video! After this one I might turn on a podcast or Netflix while I fold my laundry. I also might nap. I’m sleepy!

EPISODE 13 — Want to Succeed? Stop Doing This.

The biggest mistake people make that keeps their dreams dreams and not a reality: Overdosing on ~~a device~~ advice. I watched this video up to 9 minutes being so confused thinking she was talking about using cell phones too much.

With everything that is out there in the internet world, it’s easy to look for the answer and not work to find it. That said, if you do nothing but learn and absorb, you will only be the messenger for someone else’s ideas!

Don’t take a billion classes or go back to school because you think you have to in order to move forward in your life. You could learn more about your life on your own than someone with tenure can tell you what it might be.

Don’t wait for a mentor to inspire you. Inspire yourself, then look for guidance from someone. Get your step one done, and THEN when you’re ready for step two, but not sure where to go, find that mentor!

Do research, then make a decision based on that and your own intuition. Don’t ask everyone and their mother for what they think. Go with your gut, and ask the ones you love about certain adjustments. Ask better questions to a better audience.

DON’T BLAME OVERSATURATION. It doesn’t exist. If music finds new people to appreciate every year. You get what you put into it. Don’t blame other people in the market for doing it first, they are paving the way for you!

With that, the house smells like barbecue as Aaron is grilling up some chicken. I’m very excited for dinner. And a nap.

I think nearly six hours of blogging is enough for one day, right?

Not Boredom, More like Freedom

Posted on February 18, 2019 by maljoylove

Today I’m reflecting on Thursdays in London. When I studied there, I had class every other weekday except Thursdays. Thursdays were days I could do whatever I wanted with my time.

On Thursdays, I could sleep as late as I wanted (though most Thursdays, that meant nothing because they’d test the fire alarm at around 8 or 9 in the morning, making for a very rude awakening). Typically, after rising I’d read until around noon, then go to the gym. I’d come home, have a snack, shower, then turn on whatever show I’d been watching at the time (if memory strikes me, I flipped back and forth between Dexter, One Tree Hill, and Chuck) while I prepared dinner. Sometimes I’d do homework, sometimes I’d go for a walk, once in a while I’d go explore the beautiful things that London had to offer.

I did the latter mostly on the weekends, though, spare some weeknights. I was a broken-hearted girl who needed alone time to repair her thoughts, and a part of that was just figuring out how to exist as a normal person without the one who had recently chewed me up and spat me out like a distasteful piece of meat. Sleep, exercise, eat, don’t think about it. It was a nice routine.

Today, though, in present 2019, There’s no London. There’s no parks that demand to be strolled through, no quiet hum of tourists visiting the wax museum across the street, no homework to be put off for just one more episode. It’s just a day off of work, courtesy of the Founding Fathers.

It’s approaching noon and I still haven’t gotten dressed for the gym yet. I made plans to meet a friend for dinner and I’ve decided to return to the “gym, then eat” routine I had and will go for my gym session right before our rendezvous. My gym routine at the moment calls for a leg workout followed by thirty minutes of cardio, but maybe I’ll shirk that in favor of the same two hour gym routine I did back then, with a full-body workout followed by an hour on a “Gazelle” machine. I never knew what to call them, but they were these cardio machines in my London school’s gym that moved like an elliptical and a stair master and an arc machine combined, but were none of those things. Using them made me look like a gazelle galavanting through an African plain though, so the name fit. We don’t have “Gazelle” machines at the gym I go to here, so I might just settle for an arc trainer or the elliptical anyway.

If it’s packed I don’t know what I’ll do. I like going to the gym before work to avoid the HUMANS.

I made an attempt to read “An Infinite View” last night, but I opened my Kindle to find a dwindling battery. In it’s place, my sister had lent me her copy of “Call Me By Your Name” the last time I was home, and she recently told me she’d like it back the next time we saw each other. With that in mind, I figured I may as well read it before I see her next (which, allegedly, is next weekend). I got probably a dozen pages in before sleep came over me, and then I decided to continue reading it this morning.

I finished it about half an hour ago. It hurt my heart. First love tends to do that. You sit there, knowing the ending, wishing the ending were different, that someone will bite the bullet and just fight for it. No one does.

I paused halfway through the book to check on Aaron and plug in my headphones for my workout later. He grumbled about me leaving bed so early without saying good morning (to my credit, I gave him a kiss on the forehead before slipping out to our reading nook). I not-so begrudgingly got back into bed to give him a kiss good morning and run my hands through his hair. His hair smelled sweet like marshmallows.

I think a lot about my choices, and what I’ll remember fifty years from now. The thoughts usually come on Saturdays, when I don’t want to get up and go to the gym. I think, “Fifty years from now, will I remember waking up and going for a workout, or will I remember rolling over to face him, he who wrapped his arms around me in his sleep and rather purposefully or subconsciously refuses to let me leave his loving grasp, and snuggling deeper into his chest?”

The winning thought is: Fifty years from now you could be dead, because you chose to stay in bed all those mornings instead of doing something good for your cardiovascular system. Sacrifice this morning to stay alive ~~younger~~ longer. You can start phoning in your health when the grandkids arrive.

This morning I got to sleep until I was ready to wake up (Aaron’s seven AM alarm for work, which sounds early, but is a reprieve from my traditional 4AM wake up call), then read until I finished my book. Now I get to sit here and write. Later I’ll go to the gym, then have some nice dinner with a lovely friend, who is still pursuing Whole30 and will probably tease me for quitting while staring lustfully at the granola in my smoothie bowl.

I wish every day was like this. No crack-of-dawn workouts, no 8 AM customer phone calls, hakuna matata. It’s a freaking tragedy that we don’t get to enjoy our youth while we still have it.

I’m not going to bemoan the loss of time or the rat race anymore. I’m going to go make myself some lunch and then do the dishes or fold my laundry. I’ll have to leave around 3 to get my full workout in before I go to dinner (and rinse off so I don’t look like a worn out, post work out mess in the restaurant).

For all my worry about my future, my weight, how much I read or don’t read, how much I miss London… at least I got to have this morning.

Too Tired, Can’t Sleep

Posted on February 17, 2019 by maljoylove

Here’s a few late-night metaphors: I spent today looking at bedding for my future home, but while every major model will forever profess the pros of a silk pillowcase, the animal cruelty behind it just isn’t worth it. I’d rather lay my head on it’s equally capable but far more elusive counterpart, bamboo. With that, sweet dreams are far from my mind with the onslaught of rude awakenings:

I’m done with Whole30. The literature on it seems toxic and seems darker than what it offers at the surface level. The mentality is removal of all of life’s indulgences, even going so far as to saying brown rice is bad for you. The truth? Everything in moderation, INCLUDING moderation. Brown rice every day probably isn’t the better way to live, but to say it should be removed entirely from the diet is ridiculous. Tofu gets an equally bad rap with that crowd.
I tried to indulge my sweet tooth with some chocolate marshmallows tonight, but it just wasn’t a good time. I’ll give Whole30 that, it gave me what I wanted: a temporary detox to revitalize my eating habits.
My Grandpa called me yesterday. Have I mentioned him yet? Retired accountant of the New York City bigwhigs, been married to my grandmother for almost sixty years, raised three feminist women in the sixties and seventies. He has traveled the world three times over and every cent that doesn’t go to hospice for my grandmother goes to charity. He is a man among men, and clearly my mom’s ability to always be right has come from him.He thinks I’m not being paid enough for what I do, and I should look elsewhere for better opportunities.

I want to start there, actually, since it’s the one weighing on me the most:
I want to stay with NBC so much, and he’s right. All this binge-watching of “Gossip Girl” has reminded me of how much I want to live in New York City, working at NBC and climbing the corporate ladder. But do you hear how vague that is? I do. I know I want the perks, but I don’t know how I want to get them. There are all the stories of people starting out in the mail room and answering phones, and then they end up buyers and department heads. I love bread as much as the next girl, but the ends of the sandwich aren’t interesting to me right now. What’s the deli meat, a really well-timed networking event? A portfolio created during off-hours as the extra pickles?

I also have to consider that I’m getting married, and Aaron will need a job in New York, too. The job has to be perfect for him, because so long as the pay is better and we can still live in something live-able, I will be happy.

Here’s the problem: I don’t know what I bring that makes me worth hiring in New York. I know that they should be paying me more to STAY at Golf Channel, but they won’t. Even worse, I’m scared they’ll fire me if I asked for more. My direct boss is great and wouldn’t, but he’s not the one writing my paycheck. I really don’t know what the next step would be. I’m fine with biding my time, but I know what happens when you “wait for it.”

Miranda, Lin-Manuel. “Wait For It.” *Hamilton*, music and lyrics by Lin-Manuel Miranda

I guess my next step is figuring out what gets me hired. With the company in transition, the right thing to do is not abandon them. I do care about my teammates, and the people I work with are great. I want to stay with NBC for multiple reasons, chief among them being their content and culture. Now isn’t the time for risks, but it is the time for work. It’s time for work, and time for ~~plotting~~ PLANNING. Ugh, Blair Waldorf’s got me scheming.

As for the nutritional wake-up call, I’m not certain on how to proceed. I don’t want to backslide into daily Reese’s Cups and weekly Asiago bagels. That said, I don’t want to live without the foods that make me happy. I have the strangest mentality about food: I eat when I’m not hungry but craving food mentally. My tummy is fine, but my brain says “You need ice cream or you’re going to set yourself on fire.” I need to curb that brain energy. I think once I end that battle, the war will end with it.

It’s all easier said than done. Control your brain’s impulses. Apply for a better job. Apply myself to be more desirable to an HR representative. Learn French (is playing the lottery and running away to London still an option?). In execution, it’s a lot of work, and I have a stack of dishes piled up in my sink.

I think I’ll go to bed. Start with the dishes in the morning. Go from there.

Maybe read a book while I’m at it. I kept falling asleep during attempts to read “An Infinite View,” and not for the subject matter. I’m sleep-deprived.

Do dishes. Read a book. Get my life together. Check, check and check.

“Succession”. *30 Rock*. Written by Andrew Guest and John Riggi, directed by Gail Mancuso. NBC, 2008.

Suddenly, She’s Triggered

Posted on February 13, 2019 by maljoylove

Whole30 is whooping my butt. My tummy has felt off since I had breakfast this AM, and I think it has to do with all the bananas and the sudden addition of cauliflower (I’ve been having a cauliflower soup for dinner the past two nights– it’s very good).

It’s actually not fair to say that it’s Whole30, because aside from a couple of inconveniences, things are going fine. I just feel so heavy right now. It feels stupid to think about how much I want to be thin, especially for my wedding, because that’s so not important in the grand scheme of things.

Ugh, my thoughts are all over the place today because even THAT is wrong. The wedding part, maybe, but I’ll be real: the summer after I lost forty pounds was great! I felt confident and happy in my skin. I was at the top of my game. I feel like everything else in my life is pretty great too, so imagine if things WERE great and I FELT great.

I feel like I need more structure. I need to approach everything in my life with moderation. Binge watching new shows definitely throws me off my game. That said, having The Office or Parks and Recreation on in the background while I do chores has always worked. I think that staying active and not couch potato-ing it will help me be more active a person. If I go from dinner to doing dishes to chores to self-care to reading to meditating to bed, there won’t be a whole lot of room for me to sit on the couch and crave something sweet.

Someday I’ll take my own advice. Meanwhile I still wish I had Blair Waldorf’s style, Serena’s smile, and the ability to slap Dan because how DARE he have already moved on so fast?? Love of his life, my butt. It’s sad that I’m quicker to forgive Joe Goldberg for murder than Dan Humphrey for getting with Georgina Sparks. Catch me caring.

Whole Lotta Nonsense

Posted on February 9, 2019 by maljoylove

It’s a quiet Saturday. Aaron is still sick, but getting better. I’m mostly staying productive, but I really want to just sleep and do nothing.

That said, I went to my float therapy session yesterday and WHOA. What a surreal experience. They put you in a tank that has about a foot of water in it, and the water is an Epsom salt/saline solution. They put on lights and relaxing music for the first ten minutes, then everything fades so it’s just you and the float water. They consider it sensory deprivation. Then you just float for an hour in the dark and mostly silence until the lights come back on to signal the end of the session.

After such a stressful two weeks, I was looking forward to having an hour to just unwind and breathe quietly. Unfortunately, my mind was so used to being stressed that I spent a lot of the session stressing. My mind couldn’t stop thinking, I would jolt at any background noise, and I felt like my body just couldn’t let go of tension. That said, after literally telling my body to calm down and letting my thoughts drift, I eventually fell asleep! It wasn’t long before the lights came back on and I had to step out to rinse off all the salt.

When I came home, I had dinner and almost immediately fell asleep. It was a great way to relax my muscles and let go of everything. I would go back and do another session now that I know what to expect.

I had a great workout this morning, then came home and had a nap before I went to the store. The grocery store was kind of off today, to be honest. I felt like everyone was invading my space. There were people right behind me, people cutting in front of me, and at one point I went to an empty check-out line and wanted to thumb through the latest “Cosmo” magazine. Before I could even think about buying that or the “Shape” magazine next to it, the checkout lady called for my attention and threw me into a state of confusion. As well, the person who took care of my bags got really into my personal space and made me feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t anything in particular, just the energy made me sprint to my car, even though he was pushing my cart. I could have pushed the cart myself but he went for the handles before I could do anything and at that point I didn’t want to be rude.

“Kimmy Goes Outside!” Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Netflix

At any rate, my shopping trip was more expensive than I wanted it to be. I blame the additional ingredients I needed for this week, and next week, and the week after that… because I’m doing Whole30. Whole30 is a “fad diet” in which you eat clean for 30 days. That means 30 days of no grains, legumes, peanuts, dairy, desserts, and extra sugar, among other things. I decided to give it a try, what with my biggest trigger foods being cheese, chocolate and thick bread. I wanted a fresh start after eating poorly for all of December and most of January.

I didn’t realize it would be this hard.

“Customer Survey.” The Office. NBC.

The bread part is tough, as is the dessert. But you know what’s tough? Not being able to make desserts using “Whole30” compliant foods. Not being able to eat rice. JUICE is frowned upon unless being used as a base in a smoothie. I had to find lite and full-fat coconut milk and both had a preservative that Whole30 doesn’t allow.

I don’t know what it is, either, but looking at Whole30 forums bums me out as well. Everyone who provides confirmation of what is and isn’t compliant seems grouchy.

Probably because they haven’t eaten anything fun or indulgent in eight years.

That said, back in London I ate plenty of pasta and bananas daily. I can’t remember the last time I had a banana as a snack and not a smoothie base. It’s nice. It’s also nice to eat what I want and not count calories. Not counting calories is so liberating! I haven’t done that in so long. Literal years.

There’s good and bad to it. The coconut milk thing really bothered me today, as did having to pay extra for Whole30 compliant mayonnaise and coconut aminos instead of soy sauce. As does not being able to have hummus. I miss dessert.

Friends say that the cravings end after two weeks, and I’m looking forward to that. I’m also looking forward to not having dreams where I eat chocolate chips by the handful and/or shotgun cotton candy.

In other news, my mom has asked Aaron and I to expand our registry for the wedding. It’s so weird to think of creating a shopping list for people to buy things for me. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, if I do put something ludicrous on my list, no one has to get it for me. I think that’s what I’m going to do tonight– fold my laundry and make a list of things that I want in my house for the rest of time forever.

I’m gonna leave this thought with Tommy Haverford himself:

“Emergency Response.” Parks and Recreation. NBC.

2 Weeks Later

Posted on February 7, 2019 by maljoylove

I haven’t written in two weeks. It’s not for lack of desire, but lack of mental ability! I am so exhausted. Last week, the servers at work started an arduous maintenance progress. With half our team gone this week, I’ve had to update the websites for everyone with only one other person to help me. Things have been so hectic!

I’ve wanted to spend the last week writing, reading, meditating, finding a new sense of balance. But right now, I feel like all I can muster is work and workouts! I even asked Aaron for us to not spend the weekend at Disney World last weekend because I was too tired to spend two days walking around and eating indulgent foods. I needed a day to rest!

I’ve always wondered if enumerating my stresses would help me face them and alleviate them. I would like to try that now.

Work is crazy. Everyone is on my case about things getting updated or the status of the server maintenance. It’s all work that I can do, but the volume is immense.
My food choices are driving me crazy. I decided to do Whole30, which is 30 days of clean eating. I thought my body needed a detox after spending far too many days eating Reeses Cups and Hershey Kisses and… Panera Mac n Cheese. As a result, for the next 27 days (I’m on day 3) I can’t have any dairy, any desserts, any bread products, any legumes, anything processed, nor any products with added sugar. I can’t even make desserts out of Whole30 compliant foods. I feel mental hunger and I can’t do anything about it.
I need to pick a honeymoon and make sure it’s fun and affordable. I can’t decide what I want.
I’m too tired to do anything I enjoy, like reading or making time for self-care. My self-care has been WAY off this past week.
My body is terrible. I feel like I look awful.
My house is super messy and I’m too tired to clean it.
Aaron is sick right now.

The issue here is that it’s a lot to handle for one person. A lot of stress impacting my 5’3 body. But let’s tackle them:

Work is crazy… for now. This maintenance will be resolved soon. The other half of the team will be back Monday. You can handle two more days. You can. If things still haven’t improved by Tuesday, you can meet up with the other team members on how to move forward next week.
It’s 30 Days. In 30 Days, you will be able to eat Reeses Cups, cookie cake, and all the donuts you want. Who knows? Maybe in 30 days you won’t want to eat that anymore. Your skin will clear up, you may even get more energy.
This is a wonderful decision to make. You will make it when things calm down everywhere else. This can wait.
A lot of this is probably mental exhaustion due to the other things in your life. Power through the rest of this week and start fresh on Monday.
Take a bath. Take time to do your makeup tomorrow. Do something nice with your hair. Pick out a cute outfit for you to wear to work. This weekend treat yourself to a manicure/pedicure and maybe a blowout. Doing self-care this week will help. See how you feel in 30 Days, too!
Clean one part of your house tonight, then another part tomorrow. You can do a deep clean this weekend.
Take care of Aaron as much as you can, but take care of yourself. You’re going to be okay.

Whatever higher power is out there wouldn’t put something in front of you if they knew you couldn’t handle it. You most certainly can.

It feels good to say that. I know I can do it, I just wish I could be on an island somewhere. I wish I could just… I have had an epiphany and I’m going to state it thus:

I wish I could just float. There is a floating therapy studio down the street from where I work. I’m going to go.

Update: I made a floating therapy appointment for Friday after work, and a blowout appointment for Sunday. Pretty hair and a relaxed body. I love it already!

I was listening to a podcast yesterday that provided a good mantra: “Stillness, let go, listen, receive, and be.” I’m going to carry that with me moving forward this week, with an addition of “Love and breathe.” I could use a bit more of all of that.

I will be back soon. I’m listening to that podcast now, and feeling such zen. I’m ready to be present and let go of the tension. I feel love and I am love.

CALL TODAY:

Month: February 2019