I’ve been struggling a lot with expectations for myself lately. I feel like my brain is forever running at a million miles an hour while still somehow only actually getting 1 mile in distance. Maybe the reason I struggle so much with weight loss is because my brain is constantly moving and digesting, so I think I’m burning more than I actually am.
I feel like I keep compounding expectations for my body and my mind, expectations that I set for myself based on expectations that my fiancé, friends, and family set for me. When it comes to my weight loss for this year, I keep trying to live like I lived when I lost weight the first time around, but that isn’t necessarily possible. At that time in my life I was desperate, walking everywhere, and had the opportunity to live a life away from everyone else’s opinions. Nowadays I don’t have any of those luxuries. I am forever en communicado with the people I love and my city is only walked two streets at a time by the bold jaywalking tourists. I’ve joined the rat race and it shows.
I think most people would agree that having people is easier than being alone, and I’m not saying that’s not fair, but it puts you on a different wavelength than you are when you have only yourself to give you feedback. I feel like now I’m working as another entity, as a friend/sister/daughter/girlfriend, when I should be working as Mallory, who happens to be all those things.
It’s possible that it all comes from an increasing volume of responsibility, in which all of these people who influence me may have an impact on my choices, but they will suffer little to no consequences of my actions. That level of responsibility is only going to grow as I continue to develop as an adult, so maybe my being stagnant in my own mental state or the presence of my mental roadblocks stem from a fear of failing with that inevitable additional responsibility. It’s almost as though if I were to stay in the same place, it’d be impossible for me to move up and have more responsibility.
It’s impossible for me to have no outside influence at this point in my life. But I should at least lessen their impact or not even include them in my day-to-day. I can still keep my life separate from theirs without shutting anyone out completely. How am I supposed to grow if I let everyone else do the growing for me?