Comin’ Home (to Me!)

I feel like I have two back-to-back happy entries in my pocket. I guess being married will do that to you.

That’s right folks, I’m a newlywed! Aaron and I tied the knot this past weekend in Vermont. Our magical start to Happily Ever After will get its own post later. I would rather write today about today. Today!

All good todays can be traced back to yesterday, so let’s start there.

I was scrolling through Facebook when I passed through the “Your Own Magic” Facebook group, which is a fan community for the “Your Own Magic” podcast. Someone had posted a request for guidance on making a vision board. Someone had replied to make it their “Home” screen on their phone, so they can always see it.

I had time to kill and I had been itching to make my own vision board, and I had always pictured it as a 3rd grade science project with the three angled-cardboard display covered in colorful words and glitter. Lots of glitter.

scienceproject
These bad boys. Photo cred here.

Putting it on my phone had always felt like a “magnet” option, where I had tossed it around but never considered it. Now that I had a desire to work on my Photoshop skills, I could see about creating one using phone dimensions.

So commenced about two hours of work. I knew what I wanted to see every time I looked at my phone, what I wanted to motivate me through my day. I want Miranda Priestly’s Boss Life (maybe without the workaholism, more like the authority, style, and respect), and Jack Donaghy’s office and job title (he later gives it to Kenneth as “President of Television.” Can that be my exact job title, please?). I want to make sure I always remember that with hard work (and, ahem, therefore maybe less mindless scrolling), I will have money, maybe even Jeffree Star money. With that money, I can travel and live in the NYC home of my dreams (I’m talking in-building gym, laundry service, and outdoor garden, with floor-to-ceiling windows and a showroom-style closet). With that money, I can go to London, Bali, Australia, and anywhere else I want to visit.

On top of fruitful dreams, I want to be healthy and strong, both emotionally and physically. I know if I accomplish all of this, I will be happy. If I’m happy, Aaron will be, too. Vice versa!

Boom. Visions for the future, established.

If I haven’t outright stated it, I love the sky in the morning, when it’s dark night giving way to light blue, with the brightness of the sun bringing in a bit of pink. That was a style inspiration, as was Taylor Swift’s 1989 album art.

Several hours later, my phone vision board:

malloryvisionboard
Aaron says it looks like a Myspace background. If that’s a teasing insult I don’t care because I like it.

Creating that felt like an accomplishment! I rewarded myself with Youtube and went to bed with a smile on my face.

I want to take a different approach to my way of thinking. I’ve always dealt with things with a sense of urgency, and sometimes I feel my brain is moving at a million miles a minute. I think slowing down and taking things one step at a time would do wonders for my own sense of serenity.

This morning, I woke up at 7 AM and contemplated doing some sort of a workout. I ended up going for a twenty minute walk around my neighborhood. I don’t know what higher power decided to make that the best decision ever, but the sky was beautiful and there was a cool wind. I passed commuters starting their day, joggers on the run, and a few happy souls with their dogs on a stroll. I listened to happy music that put me in a good state of mind.

Work was quiet this morning so I took care of a few necessary phone calls, and then made myself a cup of vegan hot chocolate! I served it in one of my UVM mugs, because I’m already having Vermont withdrawals. It was low calorie and super sweet.

veganhotcocoa

I’m thinking I’ll head over to the healthy food cafe for lunch in an hour or two to get an acai bowl or a hummus wrap. It depends on whether it’s cooled down or warmed up since I went outside this morning!

I had a very happy morning. My brain feels at peace. I want to snuggle the world.

I’ll be back for a full wedding recap. Until then, here’s the tune that set my morning mood.

Treat Yo’ Self 2019

It’s a week before the wedding, and it’s time to start packing the suitcase! That said, the weather in Vermont is about, on average, thirty degrees lower than Florida. So packing the suitcase means I need to buy new clothes to fill it!

Aaron was eager to go shopping for new clothes, and listed off a few places for us to go to for warmer items (and various haberdashery). He wanted to go to Aldo, Ray Bans, J. Crew, and H&M. He was even okay with going to Forever 21, since they recently announced bankruptcy (and I was hoping for an “EVERYTHING MUST GO” sale like what happened with Charlotte Russe).

And then, it happened. Aaron insisted we go to “Abercrombie.”

My immediate reaction:

MichaelScott

I don’t think I had ever impersonated a turtle faster. I downright refused.

For those unfamiliar with the “Abercrombie” retailer, it’s a clothing store that specializes in gorgeous clothes for almost exclusively beautiful people. Former models in Abercrombie campaigns include Kellan Lutz, Jamie Dornan, and yes, Taylor Swift.

In middle school, the cool girls all had the Abercrombie zip-up sweatshirts, polos, and jeans. I was not a cool girl. I went inside their sister store, Hollister, once, and was given the cold shoulder. I knew I could barely fit into their largest shirts, and so did the employees. I was given looks in Abercrombie too, but I never bothered to buy anything. I stood quietly as my friends and family got smiles and pleasantries, and then went into the food court to eat too many Lotus Garden egg rolls.

Abercrombie and Fitch forever represented all my body insecurities. There was no way in hell that I was going in there.

This morning I woke up and checked Twitter and saw that today was the best day of the year: Treat. Yo. Self.

A phenomenon created by “Parks and Recreation,” Treat Yo Self is a day in which you indulge in some of the finest luxuries.

I decided to start my day off with a bagel, and actually buy clothes without worrying too much about a budget. I mean, I have student debt, so that’d be a no on a pair of $300 Gucci shades, but a mini-shopping spree at H&M could be in the cards.

Aaron and I made our way to the mall. By some twist of fate, we parked in the parking lot near the biggest department store… right next to Abercrombie.

Aaron and I walked into Abercrombie, and I went in to be supportive. Instead, he nudged me towards some sweaters.

To their credit, they were cute. I decided to indulge him to prove that I couldn’t fit into their clothes. I grabbed shirts and sweaters and headed for the dressing rooms. An employee who probably weighed ninety pounds walked through me. When I asked for a dressing room she avoided eye contact but did her job.

The energy was there. It hurt, and reminded me why I never wanted to come into that store, or any of the stores like it.

I then started trying on clothes, and I’m not sure if it was the lighting, the music (Ed Sheeran), or me, but it was the first time in a while that I felt truly confident in my clothes. I had to get new sizes for a few items, too. Even one sweater needed to be a small!

Me. Forever a size 14. Needed a small sweater in the ultimate skinny girl store.

What dimension was this?

I had two more encounters with salesgirls, and both of them couldn’t have been nicer. I kind of like the narrative that proves that Abercrombie prefers the size zeros of the world, but for all I know, the dressing room salesgirl was having a bad day. I’ve worked retail. I work tech support now. Helping people sucks sometimes, and holding a smile and being nice to everyone just isn’t possible on days like that.

I spent quite a pretty penny at Abercrombie today, and then got new jeans at H&M, and a tee shirt at Forever 21 (a good white tee shirt is always a must). I am READY for this weekend in Vermont.

We had gotten an early dinner at the food court in the mall; I had gotten a gyro and Aaron got Chipotle, which for some reason completely drained him of energy. He collapsed into bed not long after we got home.

I took the opportunity to enjoy the last bit of my Dairy Free Ben and Jerry’s (chocolate fudge brownie) and the latest season of “Insatiable”. People have taken a lot of shots at “Insatiable,” but I think it’s the dark horse of streaming TV. It’s also the first time I’ve felt like my own issues with body image have been put into words (other shows have tackled the subject well, but I feel like “Insatiable” has been the closest narrative to depict MY personal experience. It’s been helpful).

Between my bagel, my gyro, my ice cream, and my show, I kind of came to an idea for my own eating habits: eat healthy every chance I get, and pick the plant-based option whenever possible. That said, ice cream once a week won’t kill me. Neither will a bagel with cream cheese one day, and one meal where I can enjoy anything I want: pizza, a burger, or yes, a vegan calzone (they exist, and they can be amazing). Food isn’t something I can just quit, nor do I want to think of food as something I can’t enjoy. That said, I think modern American (or even just internet) culture has fetishized food, and “eating” shouldn’t be a personality trait for me. I realize now that I do talk about food a lot. I obsess over it! I think it’s time for a new obsession.

Good clothes. Good food. A little me time. An epiphany, even. I’m getting married in six days, but this totally joins in the running for “The Best Day of the Year.”

treatyoself2019

 

 

And then the panic sets in

A week from tomorrow, Aaron and I fly out to Vermont for our wedding. Commence me freaking out over things that I cannot control.

Let me be clear: I am not freaked out about marrying Aaron. I’m most sure of him! That said, I feel this moment from “How I Met Your Mother” (season 4, episode 5, “Shelter Island”) best encapsulates how I feel:

Lily: You wait for the next crisis, you solve it, you’re a hero.
Ted: Yeah, but what if there’s no next crisis?
Lily: She’s a bride. There will BE a next crisis
–CUTAWAY CAPTIONED “LIKE FOUR MINUTES LATER” —
Ted: There’s a next crisis!

In the past week there’s been confusion over vows, hiring a videographer at the last second, a missed line in the contract for the DJ indicating we never ordered a photo booth, and tonight I’m worried there won’t be enough time for everyone to dance long enough!

I blame the sun for setting so early but also not early enough for us to get this ceremony done by 5.

BOTH my parents have told me that feeling stressed is normal at this time, but also silly. This day shouldn’t be about pleasing everyone, it should be about Aaron and I celebrating our love for each other. Everything else is just extra. But come on, everyone’s flying to Vermont for the whole weekend! I want it to be a night everyone remembers as being good and fun.

Whoosh. My brain feels wired. I wish I could just focus on the honeymoon and Aaron and not “what if there isn’t enough ABBA?” I should know by now THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH ABBA.

 

 

A little bit late, a little bit early. I guess I’m right on time.

My writing hasn’t been on this blog, but I’ve been doing free verse poetry when inspiration hits, so I haven’t completely neglected writing. I’m ready to be consistent, even though I’ve said that a million times a million months ago. The timing feels right, though, to start now.

Tomorrow is Erev Yom Kippur. Most Jewish holidays start the night before, at sunset. I’ve noticed that I always think of sunsets as beginnings more often than endings, and I wonder if my Jewish upbringing has anything to do with that!

Yom Kippur is a time of renewal, purification, and detox. We fast to break from our daily routine and reflect on the past year, on our mistakes and our failures, our successes and triumphs. Typically, I abstain from work and school to take a day to pray. In the past I’ve slept after services, but it’s felt more like a distraction from hunger than restful. This year, I’m not spending the day in a service, since I’m basically taking a month off of work starting next week between my wedding and the honeymoon.

With that in mind, I’m starting the reflection part now.

I think I’ve said this in my blog somewhere, but Aaron was not a part of my plan. Personally, I think that our paths are predetermined, and that while I may have had a plan in my head, I didn’t have much control over the execution of it. I don’t want to go all woo-woo mystic, but I’ll say this: the life I thought I would lead diverged the day I fell in love with him.

Sometimes, when we disagree (I say disagree, because he’s never legitimately gotten angry with me. Ever.), I think about what I would do if he vanished from my life (as in, packed his bags and we went our separate ways). On a silly note, I imagine going out and dancing all night, binging pizza in my underwear, and singing the typical break-up songs in a karaoke bar.

More realistically, I think about those silly moments as lasting a week, maybe, then carrying on with a bruised heart but clearer eyes on the goals I had before we met. Grateful for the memories, but ready to make new ones. I realize now that’s not the best way to think of my ambitions. I haven’t abandoned them for love; I chose Aaron because I thought he would be the ideal person to have at my side as I chased them down, and I’d be the ideal person to be at his side for his ambitions. I still think of us that way. In fact, I’m closer to my dreams now with his support.

I don’t see why my initial plan has to change because he’s a part of my life. It was silly for me to think that the steps in my journey would have to change because I had someone riding shotgun.

I wanted to make a list of the things I’d do regularly if I were still single. Truthfully, none of them have to do with being stereotypically single, it’s all “being my best self”:

  • Work out more
  • Eat a vegan diet
  • Expand my film knowledge
  • Cook healthy
  • Learn new languages
  • Go to museums
  • Read at night
  • Write at night

None of these things can’t happen because I’m engaged. I don’t know what part of my brain decided that, or why they did that.

This is the year I reset. Retool. Rekindle. Restore.

It’s raining outside and it’s 10:33 at night on a Monday. I want to write down another list of things, but make it a list of little things that bring me happiness.

  • Rainy nights
  • Rainy mornings
  • Warm bathmats and towels
  • Cool mornings
  • The smell of fire pits

For a girl so food-driven, it’s funny to think that there’s no food mentioned there. I think that bodes well for me.

I promise it won’t be almost a month until next time. I might even be back tomorrow. If not, I promise to be writing elsewhere.

Thank you. I love you.

NYC