My writing hasn’t been on this blog, but I’ve been doing free verse poetry when inspiration hits, so I haven’t completely neglected writing. I’m ready to be consistent, even though I’ve said that a million times a million months ago. The timing feels right, though, to start now.
Tomorrow is Erev Yom Kippur. Most Jewish holidays start the night before, at sunset. I’ve noticed that I always think of sunsets as beginnings more often than endings, and I wonder if my Jewish upbringing has anything to do with that!
Yom Kippur is a time of renewal, purification, and detox. We fast to break from our daily routine and reflect on the past year, on our mistakes and our failures, our successes and triumphs. Typically, I abstain from work and school to take a day to pray. In the past I’ve slept after services, but it’s felt more like a distraction from hunger than restful. This year, I’m not spending the day in a service, since I’m basically taking a month off of work starting next week between my wedding and the honeymoon.
With that in mind, I’m starting the reflection part now.
I think I’ve said this in my blog somewhere, but Aaron was not a part of my plan. Personally, I think that our paths are predetermined, and that while I may have had a plan in my head, I didn’t have much control over the execution of it. I don’t want to go all woo-woo mystic, but I’ll say this: the life I thought I would lead diverged the day I fell in love with him.
Sometimes, when we disagree (I say disagree, because he’s never legitimately gotten angry with me. Ever.), I think about what I would do if he vanished from my life (as in, packed his bags and we went our separate ways). On a silly note, I imagine going out and dancing all night, binging pizza in my underwear, and singing the typical break-up songs in a karaoke bar.
More realistically, I think about those silly moments as lasting a week, maybe, then carrying on with a bruised heart but clearer eyes on the goals I had before we met. Grateful for the memories, but ready to make new ones. I realize now that’s not the best way to think of my ambitions. I haven’t abandoned them for love; I chose Aaron because I thought he would be the ideal person to have at my side as I chased them down, and I’d be the ideal person to be at his side for his ambitions. I still think of us that way. In fact, I’m closer to my dreams now with his support.
I don’t see why my initial plan has to change because he’s a part of my life. It was silly for me to think that the steps in my journey would have to change because I had someone riding shotgun.
I wanted to make a list of the things I’d do regularly if I were still single. Truthfully, none of them have to do with being stereotypically single, it’s all “being my best self”:
- Work out more
- Eat a vegan diet
- Expand my film knowledge
- Cook healthy
- Learn new languages
- Go to museums
- Read at night
- Write at night
None of these things can’t happen because I’m engaged. I don’t know what part of my brain decided that, or why they did that.
This is the year I reset. Retool. Rekindle. Restore.
It’s raining outside and it’s 10:33 at night on a Monday. I want to write down another list of things, but make it a list of little things that bring me happiness.
- Rainy nights
- Rainy mornings
- Warm bathmats and towels
- Cool mornings
- The smell of fire pits
For a girl so food-driven, it’s funny to think that there’s no food mentioned there. I think that bodes well for me.
I promise it won’t be almost a month until next time. I might even be back tomorrow. If not, I promise to be writing elsewhere.
Thank you. I love you.
