My Blog

August Intentions

Posted on by maljoylove

It’s a new month! I’m in for a busy end-of-summer. We’re moving to a new place, I have wedding appointments, and even tonight, I have to pack for a girls’ beach weekend! That said, it’s a great time for me to set some goals. I don’t mean goals in the sense of “Clean out my closet” (though I did that this weekend!) and “Go on a walk every day”. Those are great objectives, but in this context, I’m thinking more in the abstract.

Long-time woman-crush-Wednesday Alexis Ren shared some questions to ask yourself when setting intentions. They’re a good thing to reflect on every week to keep you motivated! I’d like to share those questions (and my responses) here:

What do I need today/this week/this month?
I need water and more sleep. I would like a healthier mindset (I’ve been engaging in a lot of negative self-talk lately)!

What do I want to manifest more of? 
Kindness and serenity, both towards others and myself!

What do I need to do to continue my progress?
Be empathetic, sympathetic, disengage from toxic environments.

What am I grateful for?
I have a great family! I have wonderful friends! I have an amazing boyfriend who I love. I have access to clean water, a full fridge, and I take a car that I lease to a job I like. I am grateful for the privileges afforded to me in the Western world (“Kim, there’s people that are dying.”).

What do I need to/want to see more of in my life?
I need to see more sleep and less sloth! I need stronger discipline so my time is managed better. Even now it’s 9:40 and I still have to pack my overnight bag! I should have done this earlier. It will get done, and that’s great, but it would be great if I could have been in my room by 9 and in bed by 10. I’ve been able to do that more lately, but I’d rather it be a full-on habit at this point!

What brings me joy/peace/serenity/etc?
I experience joy when I get to be with Aaron. I feel peace at sunrise and night skies. Listening to music to end and begin my day impacts how I go about my routine!

What do I need to do to get closer to my goal?
I think it helps to set realistic expectations. I can’t do five things after work, but I can do two or three. With better time management, I will get more done and get more Zzz’s. Discipline! Efficiency! Yes!

What is my body telling me?
You are low energy and deserve more for your soul. Get better sleep. Have more fruit. Give yourself hugs and give other people smiles. It will go a long way for your own happiness!

What can I remind myself of today/this week?
I am beautiful. I am safe. I am loved. I am grateful.

How will I feel if I implement more ___ in my life?
If I implement more time management tactics in my life, I will feel more confident in my capabilities and better rested. I work out plenty, my physical self is doing pretty well, to the point that it’s a well-oiled machine (even if the oil is occasionally just, you know, olive oil excess left in the wrapping paper of bread sticks). My mental self deserves her day!

What needs to change at this moment/time in my life?
I’m relatively messy and post-work, I’m not very productive. I should work on maximizing my time up until 8 PM during the week. At 8PM I can turn on a show, browse the internet, and start unwinding, but I should try to accomplish some tasks (like read or doing the dishes) after dinner.

What do I need to prioritize?
My mental health! I need to rest easy in my mind. I will have a healthier mindset if I lay my head down to sleep knowing I can put my name on the previous day as a fine day’s work. If I can do that by 9:30, so much the better!

This was a great practice! I now have some decent ideas for this month:

  • Be in my bedroom by 9, in bed by 9:45 Sunday-Thursday. I can stay up a bit later Friday and Saturday, but on “work” nights, I turn in early!
  • Each day, accomplish two tasks, whether it’s cleaning, learning, or flexing a mental muscle through creative methods (reading and/or writing).
  • Social media curfew! No more browsing after 9 PM. I can turn on music while I get ready for bed, but at 8:59 the playlist is curated and the apps are closed. Sweet dreams for me!

I think just those steps will make a world of a difference. Next up: execution! Go!

My Current Favorites

Posted on by maljoylove

I have always believed that routine is the core of discipline and success. I have been adding more go-to behaviors into my daily lifestyle to help establish a routine piece-by-piece. Here are a few of my basic favorites that I  count on to get through the day!

  1. My current wardrobe– similar to the style I indicated in a few fashion-related posts, I have been sticking with a solid color blouse, neutral pants, and a cardigan. It’s a convenient way to stay clean, casual, and comfortable. I can dress it down in jeans, or dress it up with accessories!
  2. My favorite makeup– In keeping with my style, my makeup is neutral, clean, but pretty! I put on foundation (Fenty, of course) and blush (NARS Orgasm) on my face, as well as a few applications of mascara. I always use Anastasia BH eyebrow pencil on my eyebrows. I’ve found that eyebrows are key to framing my face (and looking awake!). I use a sparkly eyeshadow on the whole of my eyelid, in a shade that is a few hues golder than my natural skin tone. To add a bit more dimension, I put a near rose-gold color in my crease. This creates a natural looking smoky-eye. I top it all off with a NARS lip pencil (I’ve been basically going back and forth between Dolce Vita and Do Me, Baby), with a layer of chapstick beneath the color.
  3. Workout routine– I have been flipping back and forth, keeping a balance of cardio and strength training. When I can afford to take more time, I’ll do a strength training routine and a 45-minute treadmill walk. If I have less than an hour (depending on working from home, a day off of work, or working in the office), I’ll flip between a strength training session or a treadmill run. I’ve been sticking to two rest days, but I think that I might adjust that to one rest day for the next three months, and bring it back to two rest days after the wedding. Every little adjustment counts!
  4. Go-to snacks — I will now, and forever, sing the praises of Halo Top. It’s been my post-dinner treat almost every day for months! Knowing I can have a little sweetness at the end of dinner makes it easier to ignore the call of vending machine Reeses Cups. On an even healthier level, I have been enjoying parmesan cheese and Pink Lady apples! I find that all three are filling, low-calorie snacks that are good for my body and my soul. Seriously, next time you go to the supermarket, get some Pink Lady apples!
  5. Early bedtime — I’ve been trying to get into the bedroom by 9 PM. By starting my routine then, I’m certainly in bed by 10 PM, and more often, asleep by 10 PM. Seven hours of sleep seems to hit me just right!
  6. Face mask — I love a sheet mask as much as the next person, but lately, I’ve been going gold. Spa-scription has a gold wash off mask that makes me feel like a queen. It washes off after fifteen minutes, so I have time to finish the rest of my bed-time routine. All that’s left after rinsing the mask off is to apply my serum (vitamin-C filled for a glowing complexion), an under-eye gel, and chapstick. Boom! Bedtime for me.
  7. Favorite meal — A huge money and time saver at dinner? Rotisserie chicken! Gone are my days of buying raw chicken, behold a full bird that can be the base of chicken tacos, chicken and couscous, and BBQ sandwiches. Aaron’s parents bought a rotisserie chicken to use for enchiladas and Aaron’s birthday dinner, as opposed to cooking it themselves. It added flavor and saved lots of time. Healthy and filling for sure!

Adding go-tos saves time and increases efficiency in my schedule. It feels good to add structure, bit-by-bit! This time next year I will be a well-oiled machine of discipline. It’s all part of the “fake it till you make it” lifestyle. The more billionaire habits I have, the sooner I’ll be a billionaire. Right? That’s how it works, right?

So, We’ve Established my Wanderlust

Posted on by maljoylove

I’m always on the go! This time last weekend I was taking off from New York and headed back to Orlando for my 8AM workday Monday. Since then, I’ve been booked on another trip back in September, and there are now tentative (leaning towards affirmative, in my head) for another trip in November. Between that, Miami in September, Vermont in October, and my Italian sojourn in November, I’ll barely have time to be at home!

I haven’t met a person who doesn’t have at least some affinity for traveling. Sure, plenty of people have their grudges against airports, and we all have SOME “the person I sat next to on my flight was weird” story, but nothing beats a nice hotel with fresh, clean bed sheets.

I’ve been so many places in my life, and there’s still so many I want to go to at some point. Here’s a few places that top my list of where I want to go next (excluding spots on my Europe trip in November):

  1. Paris. I’ve already been twice, but I only got a taste of everything. I took a picture in front of the Notre Dame, but I didn’t go inside of it. It’s a city of fashion, food, and art, and I truly only had about three days total for both trips. I want to enjoy a croissant inside a quiet corner cafe on a rainy morning. Is my Audrey Hepburn showing?
    LifeWithoutLoubutins
  2. Australia. If reincarnation is a thing, I truly hope I am borne again as a blue-eyed blonde surfer from Melbourne. I would love to spend my mornings on the beach, only to take my surfboard out to catch waves until the sunset. I’ve never been to Australia but my inner-nature girl craves shark diving off the Great Barrier Reef and climbing mountains to get to waterfalls. I think I’d spend two or three days exploring Sydney, then just find a new beach or mountain to explore every other day before getting swallowed whole by a large snake or spider.
    JourneyEraCom
  3. Bali. Every influencer is doing yoga in the jungle, eating acai bowls out of coconuts and enjoying salt-soaked serenity in Ubud. But retreats cost like five thousand dollars and the average Balinese citizen doesn’t have much and apparently doing that “healing in nature” thing doesn’t really help them. I still want to go, but I think I’ll wait until I can do it the way I want, and then matching the overall price of the trip into a charitable donation to an organization that will help their economy. Or maybe they LIKE their simplistic non-Tesla lifestyle? I don’t know, I haven’t thought it through.
    InstagramPinterest
  4. Norway/Sweden/Finland. I want to do a whole Nordic fjord trip, travelling fjords through ice cap villages. I would love to see the Northern Lights!
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    Similarly…
  5. Iceland! This narrowly missed the “honeymoon” choice. I want to visit the Blue Lagoon so much. There’s so much “neature” in Iceland. Very aesthetic.
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  6. Scotland. This one was another strong contender for the honeymoon! Aaron got to visit Scotland last year as his first foray into Europe with his family, and I’d love one of our next trips to be a return for him and a virgin voyage for me. I’ve done Ireland, England and Wales, but I missed Scotland. I’d love to visit Belfast, Glasgow and Edinburgh, but I really want to visit the Scottish Isles, too. It’s real “Desktop background” beauty.
    tripstodiscover
  7. Whistler. I was fortunate enough to go on a handful of ski trips when I was younger, but it was always in Colorado or Utah. They were great trips, but I’d love to go to Canada for my first “grown-up” ski trip. I want to visit all of Canada too! I’ve been to Vancouver once before briefly (too young to really remember), and I went to a concert in Montreal five years ago. I’ve still got plenty to see!
    WestJetMagazine
  8. Stowe. Did I say ski trip? Did I say that I went to the University of Vermont but never went skiing? Embarrassing, I know. I went to Stowe to investigate the potential for hosting my wedding, but while it ended up not as my choice, it made me so happy to even walk the canvas. I could picture the smell of smoky air that would come from post-ski fire pits, where people would take off their skis and enjoy a hearty bowl of chili before heading back out to the slopes or heading back to their lodge for a dip in the hot tub. That’s what I remember most about my ski trips as a kid! Stowe is one of the best spots in the US to ski, so I better go get proof for myself!
    stowemtinstagram
  9. Austin. I did a layover in Dallas for three hours once when I was little, but that’s the extent of my time in Texas. Aaron’s family is from Texas (and he was born and raised to the age of six in San Antonio), and they have fond memories of Tejano music and Big Red. Austin now has a great music scene, art, and some of the best barbecue you’ll ever have. Get me a cowboy hat and a nice horse to tend to, stat!
    iloveyousomuch
  10. Switzerland. Picturesque mountains and Swiss chocolate. I don’t think I’d require much else in life to be happy, honestly!
    fairyqueentravel

I know I’ll get to all of these places one day. Who knows, maybe in ten years I can say I’ve been to all of these places! I’ve already seen so much of the world, and I’m so grateful. This list has barely scratched the surface, I haven’t even included my desire to see bio-luminescence! All I need is the money and the time.

And maybe a new pair of snow boots. Allons-y!

 

All images are from Instagram/Pinterest.

My Favorite Movies — Reevaluating

Posted on by maljoylove

I have kept a list of my favorite movies and my favorite songs on my phone since I was 18, in case anyone ever asked. I was going into college and I thought “What’s your major?” was the stupidest question I ever heard. I didn’t have one picked out yet, and thought that no one would want to talk about their bio classes or their math formulas. Do those things really set souls on fire? As well, even if it’s a bit more of a selfish thought, would I really connect with someone about that sort of thing?

At any rate, I recently watched “Almost Famous” for the first time in a while, and I have always said that Almost Famous is my favorite movie.

Ten years later, it still is. I know the average feminist would say that parts of it are degrading to women, but the average feminist would say that Harry Potter isn’t feminist because of the Bechdel test even though every modern feminist was molded and shaped by Hermione Granger.

Political tea aside, “Almost Famous” is perfectly written, perfectly acted, and has one of the greatest soundtracks to any movie.

That said, I want to take a look at my other nine favorites, and see if they don’t need reevaluating. Let’s deep dive!

NOTE: No animated Disney exists on the top ten. They have a league of their own. It’s deserved.

2. Psycho — This movie truly triggered my fascination with the macabre, after reading “The Face on the Milk Carton” and watching (and being terrified by) an episode of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” where the perp was a cult leader. The camera work, the plot twist reveal, and maybe the nostalgia of it all , knowing it was the first “slasher” movie and all, it’s still one of my favorites. I haven’t watched it in a while though, and I think I should.

3. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off — There’s probably at least five Buzzfeed videos talking about how Ferris is a bad person or a bad friend or a sociopath or something similar. Some people think Jake Paul is a sociopath, but cutting class to go to a museum, eating at a fancy restaurant, being in a parade and then destroying a car is a pretty low key Team 10 vlog. I think the reason why John Hughes’s coming-of-age films are so classic are because they were honest. There’s nothing cliched about Cameron and Sloane talking about their futures. Ferris’s antics may be a hyperactive version of that ONE friend, but we all have that manic fun kid who acts impulsively, lives his life to the fullest, and often does it all with a smile on his face and a song in his big dumb heart. And that “Twist and Shout” rendition can’t be beat.

4– The Breakfast Club. Damn John, back at it again with the relatable teen angst. I think, like Ferris Bueller, it’s an accurate way to depict what it’s like to be in a high school. I think it should be required viewing for everyone. I dont think that would be a cure all for bullying, but I think (hope) it would encourage everyone to recognize that we all have our own struggles that no one knows. In the words of the epic dance sequence, “We are not alone.”

5 — Forrest Gump. This movie is perfect and beautiful and American modern cinema at its finest. Alan Silvestri’s music inspired me so much that when I think of the motifs of the soundtrack, I’m instantly brought back to being a young eighth grader, sitting on the dock of my Appalachian summer camp, wishing the guy I liked would notice me. It idealizes some tough times in America but it’s pure at its core.

6 — The Devil Wears Prada. THIS. FREAKING. MOVIE. It is the millenial’s “Working Girl,” as we struggle through trying to make it in a world we dont understand under the heels of a “dragon lady”. True fans know that Miranda was not the true villain.

7 — Casablanca. I was going through a classic movie binge when I made this list, and its always stuck with me. Fantastic one-liners and a tough love story.

8 — The Parent Trap. This movie introduced me to London and The Beatles. I love this movie and will watch it almost every time it’s on tv.

9 — Inglorious Basterds. Hans Landa is without question one of the greatest villains in cinematic history. The writing, the acting, and yes, my Semite wish fulfillment of killing Nazis, make this a no-brainer. I will forever request whipped cream with my strudel.

10 — My Week with Marilyn. I love Marilyn Monroe. She was beautiful, smart, compassionate, and the world didnt give her enough time. This story of how one man saw beyond the pretty, aloof icon, into the real human who just wanted to be loved, is a lovely period piece that I would watch every week.

Truthfully, my list doesn’t need to be changed THAT much. If anything, I would remove one of the John Hughes movies or Casablanca and replace it with Black Swan. I think Black Swan is compelling, captivating, and brilliant. It belongs in my top 10. As well, Girl, Interrupted has been floating in my top 20 for years and I thought it should be higher on the list.

1 — Almost Famous

2 — Psycho

3 — The Breakfast Club

4 — Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

5 — Inglorious Basterds

6 — My Week with Marilyn

7 — Black Swan

8 — The Parent Trap

9 — The Devil Wears Prada

10 — Girl, Interrupted

I like my updated list, eight years later! I’m writing this from a plane, after having another terrible migraine yesterday. I will probably need to adjust formatting later.

And maybe this list again. I’m watching “Us,” for the third time since it came out in theaters. I think it’s my favorite movie of this year… and maybe more.

How Long Has it Been

Posted on by maljoylove

My last post was on my 25th birthday. I’ve been 25 for almost a month. I haven’t written in almost a month.

Last week was my bridal shower, which went beautifully. I was surrounded by wonderful people and given lovely gifts for Aaron and I to fill our home. I am most excited about my new juicer and a honey pot shaped like an apple. Aaron is most excited for the espresso machine and counter-top herb garden.  It was all light and feminine and I feel truly blessed.

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This weekend, Aaron’s parents discussed the potential of us moving out of our current home to a house/townhome they’d buy to live in after we had been there for a year. Aaron was excited to decrease his commute and monthly rent. I was horrified at the idea of moving to the boonies and having a longer commute.

Aaron’s parents explained it as a deadline– be ready for our next career moves by the time they want to move in; we can move in whenever we want and pay less rent than we do now on our current house. I had mentally put myself on a deadline, but this makes it real. Sooner or later, I’m gonna have to walk the walk. I’m going to have to… do something to advance my career.

Me ignoring my responsibilities.

As a first step in making better decisions, I’m going to write every Sunday and Thursday.

Today let’s cover things I’m obsessed with right now!

TV SHOW: VEEP. I cannot believe I didn’t watch this show as it aired live, but I’m relieved I didn’t, because I’ve been binge watching like mad for the past week. It certainly allows me to relieve my own hostility between each character’s sharp insults. Selina Meyer is a terrible person and I would love to vote for her.

BOOK/CURRENT EVENTS: “Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup” by John Carreyrou. It’s the story of Elizabeth Holmes and the quick rise and even quicker collapse of Theranos. Elizabeth dropped out of Stanford to build a company that would completely revolutionize the health industry, eliminating the need for tubes of blood to make a diagnosis in exchange for a tiny finger prick put into an automatic blood analysis machine. She was backed by the nation’s ultimate economic, health, and military bigwhigs… and it was all a lie.

Elizabeth Holmes’ Fortune cover made her a star. Stars tend to burn bright… but they burn out, too.

MOVIE OBSESSION: I had been waiting to see “Midsommar” since I saw the first trailer about four months ago. It came out July 3 but I went to a 7PM screening the night before because I couldn’t wait. It was two and a half captivating hours. It’s been compared to “The Wicker Man” for being another example of cinematic folk horror, but I’m comparing it to “The Shining” in that both films succeed because they are so creepy. The whole movie has you on the edge of your seat because of how unsettling it is. There’s gore, uncomfortable nudity, and (unlike “The Shining”), a shocking opening scene that hits you RIGHT before the opening credits. The average viewer was chilled out of the ocean after seeing “Jaws,” and I guarantee “Midsommar” will make you second guess your next trip to the Nordic region.

This movie is beautiful and confusing. People in unstable relationships beware.

Last one:

BEAUTY PRODUCT: “Orgasm” blush by NARS. My cousin told me to get it YEARS ago, calling it an “essential”. At the time, I agreed! Then contouring became all the rage and I was terrible at applying blush so I ended up never using it again. My mom had it in her cosmetic shelf and I threw some on before my bridal shower, and it truly gave me a youthful glow. I bought it again the other day and I cannot wait to use it! I’m hoping it’ll wake up my complexion more so I look more alert during the work day.

These are a few of my favorite things!

I thought of something funnier than 24

Posted on by maljoylove

Today is my 25th birthday. More specifically, at 11:30 PM (just half an hour from now), I will be 25 years old.

I’ve heard playful references to a “quarter-life” crisis hitting at 25, and I can’t say I don’t feel the vibes of it! I don’t look at it as a sudden awareness of my mortality, or a worry that my life is over before it’s even started. I think about it more in terms of a celebration of what is to come.

At 25, I’ve barely started my career. I haven’t gotten married, become a billionaire, and started a happy adorable family. That’s what success looks like, or at least the American Dream, right? I don’t know anyone who’s hit all of those checkpoints at 25, so suffice it to say, I’m certain my best years are still ahead of me.

This hit me in a wave on Sunday, when Aaron took me to a fancy restaurant for a pre-birthday birthday dinner. They were told that there was a “birthday” in our party, so they asked my name before seating us. When I said “My name is Mallory,” they replied, “Happy birthday, Valerie!”

Great songs aside, I get this a lot. Valerie, Melanie, Melody, Molly, I’ve heard every mispronunciation and seen every misspelling you can imagine. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t bother correcting people, and I’m certainly not offended by it by any stretch. You don’t meet many Mallorys, and according to my parents, I was not named after the character from “Family Ties,” they wanted to name me after my great grandfather Morris, and the name “Melissa” just didn’t feel right.

I last wrote about redefining expectations, and I think that my expectations are so ambivalent because I have two diverged dreams of what I want: I want to be that IT woman, the Anna Wintour-esque powerhouse type who has the corner office that gets written about in Forbes. I want to take NBC by the hand and lead it into the world of streaming digital media.

And then there’s another part of me who, if given thirty million dollars, would want to pay off my student debt, donate some of it to charity, and then go move to Australia and just eat fruit and surf all day. I went surfing once and I liked it, but I’d love to learn now and actually stand up on the board. Then I’d walk onto the shore and up to my beachfront house that has WiFi in every room and a coconut tree out back.

I think as far as mid-life crises go, being torn between two ideal universes is pretty mild-mannered.

Rather than focus on the potential, I want to focus back on the present. I didn’t have a big ostentatious party to celebrate my birthday, but I had an office of colleagues and work friends decorate my desk, sing me “Happy Birthday,” and bring me cake and pie and smoothies and balloons. I received a flurry of texts and messages wishing me happy birthday. Voicemails were left, as were letters and mail packages.

I genuinely don’t remember what I did for my 24th birthday, but I think I’ll remember today. The love I felt and the gestures I received made my heart feel so full.

Between the gifts and the well-wishes, I felt very grateful for the life I have. My family is kind, my friends are thoughtful, and the people in my space are open-minded with warmth in their hearts. It makes me want to hug the whole planet! If my life is this good now, at 25, I can only imagine what kind of life I will have when I hit that “mid-life crisis.”

After they had taken my “name” at the restaurant, they took a photo of Aaron and I, framed it, and wrote “Happy Birthday, Valerie!” in pretty calligraphy. It serves as a firm reminder to me of what I want from my future:

At 25, I am too quiet to correct someone who mispronounces my name. At 50, every room I enter will be one where everyone knows my name.

To the world, my friends, my family: thank you for a wonderful birthday, and a wonderful first 25 years. Let’s see what happens in the next 25!

gary

Reevaluating Expectations

Posted on by maljoylove

I’ve been struggling a lot with expectations for myself lately. I feel like my brain is forever running at a million miles an hour while still somehow only actually getting 1 mile in distance. Maybe the reason I struggle so much with weight loss is because my brain is constantly moving and digesting, so I think I’m burning more than I actually am.
I feel like I keep compounding expectations for my body and my mind, expectations that I set for myself based on expectations that my fiancé, friends, and family set for me. When it comes to my weight loss for this year, I keep trying to live like I lived when I lost weight the first time around, but that isn’t necessarily possible. At that time in my life I was desperate, walking everywhere, and had the opportunity to live a life away from everyone else’s opinions. Nowadays I don’t have any of those luxuries. I am forever en communicado with the people I love and my city is only walked two streets at a time by the bold jaywalking tourists. I’ve joined the rat race and it shows.

I think most people would agree that having people is easier than being alone, and I’m not saying that’s not fair, but it puts you on a different wavelength than you are when you have only yourself to give you feedback. I feel like now I’m working as another entity, as a friend/sister/daughter/girlfriend, when I should be working as Mallory, who happens to be all those things.
It’s possible that it all comes from an increasing volume of responsibility, in which all of these people who influence me may have an impact on my choices, but they will suffer little to no consequences of my actions. That level of responsibility is only going to grow as I continue to develop as an adult, so maybe my being stagnant in my own mental state or the presence of my mental roadblocks stem from a fear of failing with that inevitable additional responsibility. It’s almost as though if I were to stay in the same place, it’d be impossible for me to move up and have more responsibility.
It’s impossible for me to have no outside influence at this point in my life. But I should at least lessen their impact or not even include them in my day-to-day. I can still keep my life separate from theirs without shutting anyone out completely. How am I supposed to grow if I let everyone else do the growing for me?

The Root of All Laziness

Posted on by maljoylove

This morning I rolled out of bed and went to the gym. I came home and took a shower. In the shower I thought to myself, “Hm. My stomach kinda hurts.”

I got out of the shower and started making celery juice. Mid-blend I thought to myself, “Oh, my stomach does hurt.”

I finished my juice, brought a coffee to Aaron, and leaned over to kiss him goodbye and thought to myself, “Okay, yeah, my stomach definitely hurts.”

Then I hopped into my car and started off to work. I thought to myself “Good lord. I’m in so much pain. I cannot move. Call 911. I need to go home.”

My poor stomach! I got into the office and went home two hours later, thanks to my understanding supervisor. I can’t describe how much pain I had this morning. I couldn’t talk, I could barely move, it felt like I was being attacked by tiny men in my body banging away at my organs with small hammers.

But! I put on sweatpants, took an ibuprofen, and quickly put a heating pad over my tummy, and by 5PM I was back to normal. It was a tough day but immediately after my work day I got the dishes done.

I sat down to watch Netflix before dinner and I have not really gotten up since!

The epiphany has happened: IT’S. THIS. COUCH.

liz lemon sleeping

I collapse onto it, and then I collapse on myself, getting up only to eat whatever is most convenient in the pantry or the fridge. I fall asleep and then wake up to scroll Instagram, then keep my eyes on the screen until I go to sleep in my actual bed.

I sound depressed. Or tired. I love that it’s both.

I need to stay away from this couch every night except Fridays. I like being productive! It’s just so easy to get lethargic in a sofa this cozy.

I want to start working on my Italian before my trip later this fall. That’s what I should be doing with my lying around time! I need to get off this cozy chair and go do something. It’s almost 9 PM, but in general.

Speaking of, 9 PM my last two brain cells are disintegrating, so I think my mark of productivity for the evening will be a quick bullet journal entry, washing my hair and going to bed at a reasonable hour.

 

 

Getting back to basics

Posted on by maljoylove

I said that I only wanted to write when I felt positive, or when I felt neutral. Hence, I haven’t written in almost two weeks.

I’ve had some nice moments in the past two weeks, and I can’t say I’ve felt particularly depressive, and yet I’ve been uninspired to write. I’m emotionally drained. I’ve come home at night wanting to write and clean, and then I get in the couch and I just… sank into the cushions.

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I feel unproductive and lost. I need a burst of energy, an inspiration to get me moving again. I felt good this week drinking celery juice and I just got my hair done, but something is definitely off about my mental state. My social media detox lasted about three days, and now everything is back on my phone.

What can I say, Youtube drama doesn’t last and everything is back to normal! Maybe I just need a new normal.

I want to take this little brain hibernation positively, as though it’s a sign from the universe that a change has to come. I just don’t know where I need to manifest this energy. The stress from my work is coming to an end this week, as mostly everything and everyone has been migrated. That will probably help my brain return to a more positive place.

There is a crow screaming outside my house right now.  I went outside to see if it was, in fact, a raven (I’ve made that mistake before), and I threw out the dead flowers that were sitting on the counter. It was a step in the right direction.

I need to steam my clothes. I need to do my nails. I need to chop up some celery to make juice in the morning. I need to clean my space!

I will be back. My brain just needs a spark. Let’s spark some Joy.

 

Joy is my last name. It’s fine. Thank you.

Good Vibes Only?

Posted on by maljoylove

I’ve wanted to write this week almost every day, but each day it was motivated by a negative emotion! I don’t want to be just overwhelmed by dark energy.

With that, I think I want a social media detox.

This past week has been almost too much for me emotionally. A nasty law has me questioning my own autonomy, my favorite platform is overrun by exposure of imperfections and inappropriate behavior, and an Instagram model is just crushing my self esteem right now.

I think if I hopped off Twitter, Instagram, and Reddit for a while, my brain might begin to connect with myself again. I’m wondering if maybe my inability to define my brand, the look I want to bring to the world, stems from an inability to find what *I* like. I feel like I’m so concerned with how other people are living their lives and what other people are doing that I’m not paying attention to what *I* want. Instead, I’m focusing on how other people are living the life that I want… being beautiful and living by the ocean. I WANNA LIVE IN BATHING SUITS AND DO SUNRISE YOGA ON THE BEACH EVERY DAY. How does that work?

I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to see that stuff anymore, but I think I should be aware that it exists. It’s almost a cycle of nonsense. I should be cognizant of the manipulation of truth, inflated egos, and political issues that impact others, even if it doesn’t directly impact me.

People keep in touch with me on Facebook, so I want to just keep Messenger open, and jury’s still out on Pinterest. I love finding recipes on Pinterest, and fashion inspiration, but I have a lot of weight loss topics in my thread regularly, varying from different workouts (helpful) to yoga girls with abs in sports bras (hurtful).

Again: pretending that fit, healthy women don’t exist feels very “ignorance is bliss.” At the same time, not constantly having it shoved in my face may help my self-esteem.

I think I want to go three months without it. I think it may also help me be more productive, since I tend to get lost in my social media accounts without noticing time passing by, only to then be running late because I’ve been staring at my phone.

Writing that out actually solidified it for me. Productivity wins. I just removed Instagram, Reddit, Pinterest, and Twitter from my phone. Youtube is staying, only because I tend to find new music in my “Recommendeds,” but I admit that most of my addiction comes from Youtube sending me down rabbit holes. I think if I turn on enough of the right kind of video, I can re-calibrate what Youtube THINKS I want to see and I can get a fresh start that ONLY has music, meditations, Alan Watts lectures, and… I don’t know, ASMR videos? I do kind of like those.

zoe3.gif
It’s a Tide Ad. No, it’s Zoe Kravitz in a 2019 Super Bowl ad for Michelob. Fun fact, ASMR is quite lovely but finding a non-uncomfortable GIF of it is a challenge. 

I’m hoping that not being as distracted by social media will help me read more, listen to more podcasts, and become a better listener in general. I get the sense that Aaron gets peeved when I “scroll” when he wants to talk to me, and I in turn get peeved when he wants to talk to me when I’m trying to focus on what I’m looking at on my phone. This will eliminate the problem, right?

IN ADDITION: I find that nine times out of ten, I can’t watch a show straight on. More often than not, I need to be doing something else on social media while I watch something. Maybe not having that extra stimulation will help me focus on what shows actually hold my interest, maybe even what foods hold my interest!

I think this will be good in the long haul. I wonder how long I can actually last! I don’t want to leave social media forever by any means, I kind of just want to wait out whatever’s happening, and stop being so consumed by it. Cold Turkey feels the way to go. Deleting the apps feels almost safe.

Only good feelings from here, folks! Toxic stimulation begone. Mallory’s going to give the real world a try.