Month: May 2019

Good Vibes Only?

Posted on by maljoylove

I’ve wanted to write this week almost every day, but each day it was motivated by a negative emotion! I don’t want to be just overwhelmed by dark energy.

With that, I think I want a social media detox.

This past week has been almost too much for me emotionally. A nasty law has me questioning my own autonomy, my favorite platform is overrun by exposure of imperfections and inappropriate behavior, and an Instagram model is just crushing my self esteem right now.

I think if I hopped off Twitter, Instagram, and Reddit for a while, my brain might begin to connect with myself again. I’m wondering if maybe my inability to define my brand, the look I want to bring to the world, stems from an inability to find what *I* like. I feel like I’m so concerned with how other people are living their lives and what other people are doing that I’m not paying attention to what *I* want. Instead, I’m focusing on how other people are living the life that I want… being beautiful and living by the ocean. I WANNA LIVE IN BATHING SUITS AND DO SUNRISE YOGA ON THE BEACH EVERY DAY. How does that work?

I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to see that stuff anymore, but I think I should be aware that it exists. It’s almost a cycle of nonsense. I should be cognizant of the manipulation of truth, inflated egos, and political issues that impact others, even if it doesn’t directly impact me.

People keep in touch with me on Facebook, so I want to just keep Messenger open, and jury’s still out on Pinterest. I love finding recipes on Pinterest, and fashion inspiration, but I have a lot of weight loss topics in my thread regularly, varying from different workouts (helpful) to yoga girls with abs in sports bras (hurtful).

Again: pretending that fit, healthy women don’t exist feels very “ignorance is bliss.” At the same time, not constantly having it shoved in my face may help my self-esteem.

I think I want to go three months without it. I think it may also help me be more productive, since I tend to get lost in my social media accounts without noticing time passing by, only to then be running late because I’ve been staring at my phone.

Writing that out actually solidified it for me. Productivity wins. I just removed Instagram, Reddit, Pinterest, and Twitter from my phone. Youtube is staying, only because I tend to find new music in my “Recommendeds,” but I admit that most of my addiction comes from Youtube sending me down rabbit holes. I think if I turn on enough of the right kind of video, I can re-calibrate what Youtube THINKS I want to see and I can get a fresh start that ONLY has music, meditations, Alan Watts lectures, and… I don’t know, ASMR videos? I do kind of like those.

zoe3.gif
It’s a Tide Ad. No, it’s Zoe Kravitz in a 2019 Super Bowl ad for Michelob. Fun fact, ASMR is quite lovely but finding a non-uncomfortable GIF of it is a challenge. 

I’m hoping that not being as distracted by social media will help me read more, listen to more podcasts, and become a better listener in general. I get the sense that Aaron gets peeved when I “scroll” when he wants to talk to me, and I in turn get peeved when he wants to talk to me when I’m trying to focus on what I’m looking at on my phone. This will eliminate the problem, right?

IN ADDITION: I find that nine times out of ten, I can’t watch a show straight on. More often than not, I need to be doing something else on social media while I watch something. Maybe not having that extra stimulation will help me focus on what shows actually hold my interest, maybe even what foods hold my interest!

I think this will be good in the long haul. I wonder how long I can actually last! I don’t want to leave social media forever by any means, I kind of just want to wait out whatever’s happening, and stop being so consumed by it. Cold Turkey feels the way to go. Deleting the apps feels almost safe.

Only good feelings from here, folks! Toxic stimulation begone. Mallory’s going to give the real world a try.

That’s so… on brand?

Posted on by maljoylove

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how to find my aesthetic. I partially (if not fully) blame Lauryn Evarts Bosstick, AKA the #Bossbabe behind “The Skinny Confidential.” It appears that she has been a hot-pink lover for years. Her blog is pink,  her office is pink, it’s all cool, LA girl Barbie-Meets-Kardashian. It’s like Playboy, but instead of objectification and misogyny, it’s empowerment and being true to your you.

I don’t really think I have an identifying, signature thing about me. When I think about things I’ve always liked, New York stands out the most. I’ve always loved the streets of Manhattan, the glitz and the glamour and the possibilities. That said, I’m not really sure how I’d build an aesthetic off of that. I’ve always liked the different decades, but you see the plurality? I love the neon of the eighties, the faded but violent seventies, the classy yet youthful sixties. I’m not entirely sure I could build my entire personal aesthetic around that.

IF I were to just focus on New York, I think immediately of classy white with VOGUE font. Crisp, classic, Upper East Side in the nineties, I suppose. That doesn’t really fit me either, because I love pops of color.

Looking back, I think that I truly got sold on New York City when I was seven. I had already started falling in love with Broadway shows, but it was in music class when my teacher put on “Fantasia 2000” and I heard Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin for the first time. The vignette takes place in what looks like 1930s New York City, and depicts the lives of a little girl with workaholic parents (relatable. I just realized that. Wow. I need a minute), a construction worker with a passion for jazz percussion, a wealthy couple starving for more –in more ways than one– and an unemployed man down on his luck. It opens with the sunrise over the NYC skyline, which stood out to me as a kid, because it looks like they draw it all with an Etch-a-Sketch, all one line set to the opening clarinet solo. The short has a happy ending (spoiler alert), and it all culminates in an epic finale that fades out with a shot of Times Square, all lit up with majesty.

RhapsodyFinale

I get shivers thinking about it. Hearing the finale used for Jay Gatsby eleven years later made me almost burst into tears in the theatre. Who better to symbolize the hope and potential of New York than The Great Gatsby?

I think a lot of who I am as a person can also be attributed to my love of food. Lately, I feel like I should stop being mad at my sweet tooth and just start owning it. I want to find the balance between being a cute chocoholic without… getting type 2 diabetes.

Along with that, I think I’m well defined by my near-childlike sense of wonder. I don’t think of it as clinging to youth, but more like holding fast to the belief that all things in life are possible and beautiful.

Since doing my 30 Days of Poetry Challenge, I’ve been spending more time in Photoshop. I’m no graphic designer by any means, but I think I’m going to try to make a logo of an infinity symbol with my name on the top lip. Is that cliche? I find all things infinite. I bet that every brand specialist would tell me that the first rule is to define myself and to not care what anyone else thinks, but simultaneously, I feel like infinity symbols are very cliche, very basic.

I guess when you get to the root of it, things are basic because they’re relatable. My film professor always hated that word. I love that even autocorrect is giving me a red squiggle for it (it’s also giving me the red squiggle for the word autocorrect, for a little added irony). I don’t think there’s wrong with speaking to something everyone feels. Someone took a mathematical symbol and made it emblematic of the possibilities of life. Possibilities are limitless, the very universe we live in is infinite.

I think this is all part of the process. For now, I’m going to fold the laundry that has been piling up– the Photoshop can wait, that laundry can’t. I’m going to look up some books on how to “Build a Brand.” Maybe I’ll learn something about myself in the process.

Speaking of learning about myself in the process, I turned on “Rhapsody in Blue” while writing this post and wouldn’t you know it: I’m pretty sure the young girl subplot has me in a different dimension.

I will include some final thoughts because I’m Tomi Lahren, only an unsuccessful, irrelevant version:

  1. I’ve been obsessing over Emily Ratajkowski lately, and she has the NERVE. The AUDACITY. To post this photo on Instagram:

    WARNING: NSFW PICTURE UNDER THIS LINE. SHE IS TOPLESS IN THIS PHOTO.

    emrata

    Get a load of that caption. You see that hair? THAT’S MY NATURAL HAIR. EMILY RATAJKOWSKI CALLS MY HAIR HER DREAM HAIR. TAKE ALL OF IT IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR PERFECTLY FLAT STOMACH, MADAM.

  2.  I made shrimp scampi for dinner last night and had the leftovers for dinner– I heated them in a pan and not the microwave and honestly? Groundbreaking.
  3. As far as my sweet tooth goes, my absolute favorite is Hershey Kisses. I think if I had an office, the foyer would feature three huge vertical tubes of Hershey Kisses. But then, who’s going to actually go diving in the tube besides me, for Hershey Kisses? Everyone else would just be so blase but I’d be walking people to the door and get caught with my entire arm down the tube of Hershey Kisses. Otherwise the chocolate goes to waste and I would never.
  4. I love Ed Sheeran so much but kind of don’t like that he’s BFFs with Justin Bieber. Justin is fine and talented but he’s best buds with Chris Brown and like…
    NeneLeakes.JPG
  5. There is no gif for Tomi Lahren on Google saying “Those are my final thoughts, from LA, God bless and take care” with her spirit fingers esque wave and it’s disgusting. That needs to exist. Do I have to make that? How is this on me?

 

 

 

The Prince(ss) Skinny Legend That Was Promised

Posted on by maljoylove

I feel like I’m going through a strange transition in my journey of self-love. I find myself engaging in more toxic habits, as in, binge eating without abandon. I’ve gained weight, and I’m really disappointed in myself. But with that, I’ve had photos taken of me in the past tow months, and each time I’ve looked at them, I’ve thought I looked good.

I scrutinize instantly, without thought, and sure, after a while, you find something to hate. But more often than not, my thought has been “oh, I look cute!” rather than “Diet starts tomorrow.” Two nights ago, Aaron and I went to a late night Disney event. Not wanting to do anything when we got home at 2 AM, I made the pre-emptive choice to go makeup-less to the event. I look pretty, in my opinion, in the photos from that night. Granted, that could’ve just been Disney working its trademark magic, but who is to say the magic couldn’t have also been me?

Self love is a weird journey to travel. You have such a delicate boundary between loving your body by giving it clean water, maintaining your hygiene, and feeding it greens, while simultaneously living vicariously and ordering dessert because life is too short. I’m such a “Have some chocolate every night to stay sane” kind of girl, and I stilll don’t know if that’s toxic behavior.

My mom, out of the kindness of her heart, bought me some pretty dresses to update my summer wardrobe. I was freaking out to try them on, but they all fit and flattered! Meanwhile, six hours ago, I was freaking out at my reflection about having a thick upper body (too big a chest, larger shoulders).

ee40b545e8442e90cc4c6cf679e243b8
Raw footage of me in the bathroom looking at my shoulders this afternoon. But actually, “Neil Patrick Harris/Taylor Swift.” SNL, NBC. 10 January 2009.

I felt most comfortable in my skin when I was thinner, and I acknowledge that I need to make healthier choices when I eat. I also want to work out harder, I’ve been so sleepy when I get to the gym in the morning that I don’t push myself to the hardest I can go. I want to change that.

More than that: I feel like I’m so close to being unstoppable, but not being conventionally beautiful (read: meet society’s standards of beauty) keeps me from truly excelling. I agree that standards are changing, but I still feel like more likely than not successful women are fit and healthy. Michelle Obama comes to mind, as do the most accomplished ladies in my workplace. Not a hair out of place, full face of makeup, body by spin class (I say, having loved Soul Cycle but it’s not in my city yet? I DEMAND IT), that describes a lot if not all of the women I aspire to be, aesthetically.

At my most confident, imagine: strong, smart, compassionate, loyal, friendly, ambitious, talented, AND beautiful? That girl conquers the world. I feel like that is my destiny. I want that as my future. I want it as my present, but I’m ready to work towards it. Whose to say that by the time I get to “Mission Accomplished,” I’ve moved up a step or two in my career?

But with that, I have to go to sleep at a decent hour. It’s 9:50 (didn’t I JUST say I was going to stop being on the computer at 8 PM?), and it’s time to get in bed.

sleepkeepsyouprettygilmoregirls
“Here Comes the Sun.” Gilmore Girls, The WB. 13 May 2003.