Disney Plus has been a fun little addition to the world of streaming services. Though missing a few things from the archives, it’s still got most of, if not all, the old classics. Since logging on for the first time by myself (ie not watching a movie with Aaron), I’ve watched three of the live-action “family” movies that came out when I was around eight to ten years old: “Freaky Friday,” “Cheaper by the Dozen,” and “The Haunted Mansion.”
“Freaky Friday” holds up to my memory. The Chad Michael Murray plot is awkward considering the age difference between him and Jamie Lee Curtis’s character Tess, but still, it’s a Disney movie. There isn’t much there by way of “they put THIS in a kids movie?”
“Cheaper by the Dozen” is almost better now that I’m older and can see things through the eyes of a twenty something. Of the dozen Baker kids, I’m closest in age to the oldest daughter, as opposed to when it came out and I was closest to one of the middle daughter’s age. Also, pop punk. AND BABY JARED PADALECKI. He had a lil’ accent and everything.
Today, I turned on “The Haunted Mansion.” Inspired by the eponymous Disney ride, this movie scared the heck out of me when I was a kid. Now that I’m older… I’m still scratching my head at how some of this was put in a kids’ movie. High key violence and racism? Okay that’s a watered-down summary of “Us,” but I digress.
Here are a hundred thoughts I had while watching “The Haunted Mansion.”
1) The opening credits are on tarot cards, and they just showed two nudes in a tarot card. Like full frontal nudity. To quote Vine, RIP, “Is this allowed?”
2) I think I don’t remember what the origin story is here. I also think I do remember.
3) This movie freaked me out so much growing up, but I think that made me fascinated with it. I like being scared? More on that story as it develops.
4) And BOOM, violent death in a kids movie. A KIDS movie.
5) After being on the ride so many times, I love recognizing the music!
6) Cut to Eddie Murphy! He’s a real estate agent with his wife! That’s great!
7) “I don’t like this house.” “I want a divorce.” BIG yikes.
8) Oooop Eddie Murphy (Jim Evers) and his wife (Sarah Evers) are good at their jobs!
9) Okay now Jim’s at a tiki bar (maybe a nod to the tiki room) with two… REALLY white people who insist he stay for a drink. ON HIS ANNIVERSARY.
10) He comes home late. Sarah is upset. KIDS DON’T CARE WHO PAYS FOR THINGS THEY WANT THE ONE WHO’S THERE FOR THINGS. Oh gosh, here comes my CHILDHOOD.
11) We meet the kids: son Mike and daughter Megan.
12) Mike is too scared to kill a spider, Megan slaps it dead without a second thought.
13) Cut to Sarah receiving a mysterious call: THE MASTER WISHES YOU COME ALONE TO THE HOUSE? DOESN’T LIKE THE LOOK OF YOUR HUSBAND? That is two back-to-back red flags. It’s 2002 I think, right?
REGARDLESS. In this economy? What guy is like “Yes, pretty black woman. Come to my fancy house in the middle of nowhere by yourself.” Absolutely not.
14) Jim is very good at his job, clearly, they do well for themselves and have a nice car, but to the point that it’s affecting their family life.
15) The house only looks kind of like the house used for the Haunted Mansion ride.
16) OKAY THE GATES JUST OPENED UP AFTER BEING PADLOCKED? WHY IS IT THIS DARK AT 3PM.
17) It is a gorgeous house though, when you strip away the creepy. It looks like it has a greenhouse and everything.
18) Dad likes the car. Loves the car. Noted.
19) Massive cemetery. “Hey honey you know they have dead people in the backyard.” At some point you realize “You know what, this isn’t right. We’re going home.”
20) OOP Creepy guy lets them in the house. His name is Ramsley. Bad guy from “Get Smart.”
21) The house is owned by Edward Gracey (I thought it was Grady this whole time. That’s on me).
22) Edward Gracey is here, and this is AWKWARD.
23) All of this gives me the heeb-jeebs.
24) I’m SO uncomfortable. Imagine if Jordan Peele remade this. I know it’s a Disney movie but still.
25) Sarah’s looking at Edward like she likes him. The plot is vaguely coming back to me. I can’t remember if some part of her knows him or not, like “Dracula” or something.
26) It’s so cool to hear the Grim Grinning Ghosts theme in the score. It’s something else.
27) See if this were a NOT-Disney movie the whole family would have said “So this guy’s like low-key racist right?” Okay, if it weren’t a Disney movie, they wouldn’t have even entered the house.
28) Jim and Sarah have argued about work and Ramsley has separated the two.
29) Ramsley pours Jim a scotch. That’s gotta be a 200 year old Scotch. DANG. MONEY.
30) Ramsley says being a butler means attending to every detail and -LOOKS AT JIM- “knowing one’s place.” WOW.
31) Jim just seems like a nice guy.
32) Oop there’s a marble bust that looks like one of the ones from the ride! IT UNLOCKS A SECRET PASSAGEWAY and now Jim is locked inside the passageway WONDER WHO DID THAT.
33) The kids have discovered a music box that has SUMMONED AN ORB. a GHOST ORB.
34) Follow the ghost orb. Ghost orbs are nice, if I remember correctly.
35) Sarah is REALLY pretty and RAMSLEY KEEPS SNEAKING UP ON THE FAMILY.
36) Sarah is like “I can’t find my husband.” “Your husband’s in the library,” Ramsley lied.
37) Sarah walks in and EDWARD GRACEY IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR LOOKING CREEPY.
38) How can Gracey look totally creepy in one scene but totally charming seconds later. THE JOE GOLDBERG EFFECT.
39) WOW things you don’t pick up as a kid. Gracey says “Elizabeth,” and then it cuts to the kids following the orb. NICE. FIVE POINTS.
40) They have an old fashioned elevator. Like I would live in this house if it weren’t so spooky.
41) AAAAAY THE PORTRAITS THAT CHANGE!
42) AAAAAAAAAAY THE BUSTS THAT MOVE.
43) The house is breathing. It’s time to leave.
44) THE TELEPHONE. MADAME LEOTA.
45) Jim is startled by a crow. WHY is it always a crow?
46) The kids are in the attic now! They found the wedding dress… and a portrait THAT LOOKS LIKE THEIR MOM.
47) Suddenly WALLACE SHAWN APPEARS!!!!
48) Wallace Shawn is like “GET OUT OF HERE” and his scullery maid cohort is like “Do you guys want a cookie?”
49) The kids are hiding while the scullery maid and Wallace Shawn cover for them while Ramsley complains about the kids and Jim. “Nothing further shall interfere with the master’s plan.” Creepy.
50) THERE’S MADAME LEOTA. With that eerie Disney evil queen GREEN.
51) This scene makes more sense when you have been on the ride fifty times, but also the lore of the ride is different than in the movie. We’ve established through spooks that there’s a curse on the mansion.
52) Jim reunites with the kids, Wallace Shawn, and his maid friend. The kids know they’re ghosts. And there’s a curse. And they want to help!
53) So Elizabeth, the original Sarah, “killed herself” because she could never be with Gracey. IT’S RACISM.
54) Madame Leota says things aren’t as they seem, and they have to find the key to the curse in the crypt behind the house.
55) TWO REFERENCES TO THE RIDE: the kids want to know how to get out of the house and to the crypt. Wallace says “THERE’S ALWAYS MY WAY….” then BOOM they escape by carriage drawn by ghost horse.
56) Now all 999 ghosts are in the cemetery hanging out and doing ghost stuff. Including the hitchhiking ghosts! Neato!
57) Gracey is creepy but I would feel a lot less creeped if he were played by Matthew McFadyen. I guess they wanted to capture the energy of a dead man haunted by the ghosts of his past.
58) THE SINGING HEADSTONES. One of them LOOKS LIKE WALT DISNEY. YAY.
59) Megan, the daughter, marches towards the dangerous crypt. Mike’s ready to nope out of there.
60) How does Jim still have his suit on? In pristine condition? It’s been rained on, he’s gone through spooky pathways with cobwebs. At the very least he should’ve lost the jacket.
61) They keep referring to Leota as a gypsy. IDK if we can say that anymore. Can we?
62) Megan has followed Jim into the crypt. Fearless.
63) Aw, Jim explains that he works hard so the kids can have everything he didn’t. Megan says “I didn’t know you had a bad childhood.” He says “I didn’t.” And she says “So why do we need to have everything you didn’t?” WOW. MEGAN. COMING IN HOT.
64) Now they have the key… and they’ve awakened the ghoul holding the key.
65) JIM DROPPED THE KEY.
66) Okay on the real though Megan kills spiders, knows latin and dives underwater in creepy crypt to get a key and then resurfaces to demons? Imagine being that cool.
67) And now they are trapped in the crypt… with spiders in front of the door. Mike has to face his fears to open the door.
68) MIKE OPENS THE DOOR WITH THE HELP OF AN EMOTIONAL PEP TALK FROM JIM ABOUT FEAR. GREAT. They’ve got the key.
69) Leota’s like “great job getting the key, go put it in the trunk.” THAT’S NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
70) Now everyone is in the attic, and they’ve found the spooky trunk.
71) Trunks are cool like they look spooky and they’re tough to carry but I would still travel with one if I had an assistant to carry my things.
72) THEY FOUND A LETTER. ELIZABETH WANTED TO RISK IT ALL AND MARRY EDWARD. SHE DIDN’T KILL HERSELF BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T BE TOGETHER. GRACEY WANTED TO RUN AWAY WITH HER AND RAMSLEY WAS LIKE NAH TIME TO POISON ELIZABETH INSTEAD MWAHAHAHA.
73) And now he wants to KILL SARAH THINKING IT’LL LIFT THE CURSE.
74) The kids have been locked in a trunk… and Ramsley has thrown Jim from the premises. Through glass. Onto the greenhouse, landing on the car. And shuts all the windows. Jim survives?
75) Gracey has shown Sarah the ballroom and is asking her about forgiveness… THIS IS SO WILD. I REMEMBER THIS SCENE. This was so creepy but I really liked it. The ghosts are dancing and Gracey is begging her to remember him, and Sarah runs away. He’s so sad, but confused, like “WHY DOESN’T SHE REMEMBER?” And of course Ramsley is like “She will don’t worry.” GAH.
76) Crazy that the car alarm is going off and and no one can hear it.
77) Jim is trying to break a window but it keeps repairing itself.
78) Ramsley is threatening to kill the kids if Sarah doesn’t marry Gracey.
79) “There are worse things than purgatory madam. I can assure you.” THAT was creepy.
80) AND THIS PART RIGHT HERE IS WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE TO “HERE COMES THE BRIDE.” THIS OUT OF TUNE, MINOR ORGAN VERSION HAS BEEN FOREVER CEMENTED INTO MY BRAIN.
81) Gracey KNOWS something’s up because Sarah is crying and he’s like what is that about and Ramsley’s like “Oh it’s tears of joy.” MMM.
82) Jim is sitting against his car and Madame Leota literally rolls up like “Wtf are you doing. Get up and fight for your family.”
83) This is a nice line: “You try, you fail, you try, you fail. But the only time you really fail is when you stop trying.” “What do you want me to do?” “…Try again.”
84) Sarah’s wedding attire is really pretty I would wear that.
85) Update: Jim drove through the window with Madame Leota’s crystal ball riding shotgun. They make it into the house and crush the piano in the process.
86) Jim is fighting medieval knights. Why did we as a society have medieval knight armor as home decor for a minute.
87) SARAH’S ABOUT TO DRINK A POISONED CHALICE?!?!?
88) Jim barges in with the kids!
89) Oop Gracey is all “GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE.”
90) Gracey has a sword! BUT JIM HAS A LETTER FROM ELIZABETH SAYING SHE WOULD MARRY HIM. THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD. THE BETRAYAL IS REVEALED
91) “Your union was unacceptable.” RACIST.
92) I remember this part: Ramsley screams “DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL” AND THEN THE EVIL SPIRITS COME OUT TO PLAY.
93) And now the ground is disintegrating to make way for a… fire dragon? It’s not a Disney movie without a dragon.
94) Oh but the dragon swallowed Ramsley and is sinking back into hell… but Ramsley grabs Jim! THEN GRACEY SAVES JIM!
95) Ramsley’s disappeared into the abyss but Sarah’s passing out… she had one sip of the poisoned wine.
96) GHOST ORB TAKING OVER SARAH’S BODY… and now the gates of heaven are opening and Sarah’s… turned into Elizabeth!!
97) Elizabeth and Gracey kiss and the rest of the family is like “… okay I get it that’s not Sarah buuuut wrap it up”
98) Elizabeth’s spirit leaves Sarah’s body as Sarah regains consciousness.
99) Gracey thanks the family by leaving them the deed to the house, and he, Elizabeth, and the rest of the spirits float up to heaven.
100) With that, the family is off to the lake for the weekend… with Madame Leota in the back and the singing headstones strapped to the back window.
This was a fun hour and a half of my time. I like silly spooks, they feel non-threatening. Also, I thought it was a fun way to readapt the Disney ride into a modern atmosphere… for kids. Again, if Jordan Peele remade this movie it would be a lot different.
Apparently when “The Haunted Mansion” came out it made twice it’s budget, but was panned for being neither funny nor scary. Reviewers can’t be trusted though, if you ask me, because apparently “What a Girl Wants” got mixed to negative reviews and it’s one of the FORMATIVE movies of my childhood. FORMATIVE.
What streaming platform has “What a Girl Wants”? I think that should be next on my “cinematic masterpiece deep dive!”