Gratitude – Finding the Highs in a Low Moment

 

In an episode of deep vulnerability, gratitude finds a way to patch me back together.

It was a casual night. I couldn’t tell you what I ate for dinner that night, or what happened at work that day. All I remember from that night was Twitter. I concede that more often than not, this bird app is more toxic than truth! However, I do think that it provides a grisly mirror to harsh realities. I don’t remember who said it, but I saw this recently: “Twitter is where people who didn’t read the book go to argue with the people who wrote the book.”

At any rate, I was there, on the Twitter, and I saw a tweet from an influencer I follow named Rachel*. Rachel started out on Youtube when she was a teenager, and in the past five years has amassed millions of followers across multiple social media platforms. That night, Rachel posted that she had made 6 million dollars since creating an OnlyFans account.

For those not in the know, OnlyFans is a media sharing platform in which users subscribe to a creator to receive premium content (IE, for a fee). Mostly, OnlyFans is know for sharing illicit content that wouldn’t fly on more publicly available social media platforms, like Instagram or TikTok.

Reviews have said that Rachel’s OnlyFans account contains content that isn’t much spicier than what she posts on Instagram. To be fair, Rachel does flaunt her body a fair amount on her Instagram account! However, what I gathered from this was that Rachel knew that she could tell people that, in so many words, if they subscribed to her OnlyFans, they would get to see her body with minimal to no clothing, and people would pay to see it. Sure enough, she has made six million dollars off of people hoping to see her naked.

I don’t know what it was about this tweet that set me off, but it did. I felt jealous that this girl, a high school dropout, was tweeting from her 5 million dollar home about making six million dollars after selling people photos of 97% of her boobs. When Rachel isn’t sharing photos of her body, she’s posting photos of her hanging out with her friends, wearing luxury jewelry and clothes, buying expensive drinks and traveling to extravagant places. I went to bed practically in tears, wishing that could be me. Why can’t I be hot enough to make money off of it? What did I go to college for if I could have been making six figures a month selling pictures of me in a bikini made only of dental floss? Why isn’t that my life?

The next morning, I woke up realizing I needed to put some gratitude in my attitude.  I went for a bike ride that morning, which helped me consider all the way that my life might be better than Rachel’s. I know I’m not the only person who longs to look like the skinny arm havers of Instagram. As a result, I would like to share some of the things I’m grateful to have. Specifically, I want to share things I have that Rachel probably (or definitely) doesn’t.

 

Gratitude for my family.

My family rules. I could just stop there, but I’ll elaborate. My mom’s grace and compassion compares to that of Princess Diana. I have a brother who understands me more than most people do. My sister is my best friend. I have a father who cheers me on just for existing. Rachel grew up an only child, and has stated previously that she saw Youtube as a way out of the life she lived, in which her parents verbally abused her when they weren’t verbally abusing each other. To this day, Rachel has implied that her parents only call her to borrow money. Meanwhile, my dad texted me about the anniversary of Disneyland’s opening just because he knows I love Disney. My mom and I have spa plans for next weekend. Not only do I have a good, loving relationship with my family, I have *a* relationship, period.

Gratitude for my partner.

Rachel has a boyfriend, but he is the seventh (give or take) person Rachel has dated (publicly) seriously in the past five years. Rachel has had multiple partners use her, lie to her, cheat on her, and then trash talk her to a humiliating degree in her time on the internet. To my knowledge, the guys that I’ve dated have nothing but lukewarm things to say about me.

My list is minimal, to be fair, but I’m also married. I have a partner who loves me, consistently. Of course, I have insecure days (clearly) that get the better of me, but I never doubt that Aaron loves, trusts, and respects me. I wonder if Rachel looks at this current partner and thinks “Maybe this will be the guy who DOESN’T write a song about me.” Also, my partner, unlike Rachel, doesn’t have multiple face tattoos. There are some things I can’t bring home to meet my family, and multiple face tattoos is one of them.

Gratitude for my friends.

Rachel has two friends that have been at her side for years. I think that those two people, and a select few others that she shares on her social media, would stay by her side if she quit social media and moved to the forest to make clay pots. I think the rest of her people in her circle may find her fun, and entertaining, but wouldn’t stay in touch if she could no longer provide them with “clout.”

In a similar vein, while I do believe that her two closest friends love her no matter what, I do think that they live in luxury because of her. Based on their own social media content, it seems to me that neither of them do much to maintain an influencer following in terms of sponsorships and followers to have that “influencer” lifestyle. So, how are they flying to exotic places and wearing Gucci flip flops?

I think Rachel pays their bills. I’m sure she is happy to do it (I would, too, give my friends anything if I had that kind of income)! However, I wonder if she now feels obligated to keep it going so her friends don’t lose out. I believe one of them lives with her in that mansion; if she left, would that friend be unable to pay rent in Los Angeles? Would there still be private jets and designer hats? I know my friends are with me because they love me, not because they love what I can give them.

Gratitude for my privacy.

Because Rachel lives her life on the internet, everyone either knows or speculates on her life. If she publishes a thought, then it experiences dissection at least three times over, if not more. If she tweets something impulsively, someone, somewhere takes a screenshot. It lives forever. If I go out without makeup, I don’t worry about someone taking a photo of me, or being seen without makeup. I can walk down the street without being stopped, yelled at, or otherwise accosted.

There are people who are truly obsessed with Rachel, to the point that they show up to her house. I recently saw a video of Dixie D’amelio going to lunch with her boyfriend, and they were interrupted at least three times by fans wanting a photo with her. Rachel can never just go get soup and a smoothie! Pics or it didn’t happen! While I’m sure that Rachel feels grateful for her fans, I’m sure that a part of her wishes she could just go to dinner sometimes.

Gratitude for my anonymity.

In this context, I think that anonymity differs from privacy. The less that people know about me, the more likely I won’t get cyberbullied. My Instagram photos have blemishes, cellulite, and other imperfections. You know how many comments I get about my weight or acne? None. My “irrelevancy” has protected me from hordes of trolls commenting on my every flaw.

Rachel likely has a thicker skin after being on the internet for five years. However, I believe that influencers are the most insecure people on the planet. I’m sure Rachel goes to parties and sees people with more followers, “better” bodies, and more expensive shoes. All I have of those same people are heavily edited photos that appear effortless. As an insider, does Rachel see those models/TikTokers/Gamer Girlz and immediately judge whether or not they’re just as thin in person? Comparison is the thief of joy, and Joy is literally my last name.

 

All in all, the grass is always greener. Rachel no doubt feels grateful for the life she has. It’s pretty great, from the outside at least! As for me, from the inside, I’ve got things pretty great, too. Gratitude, meet attitude.

 

*Rachel is not her real name.