Category: Having it All

Reevaluating Expectations

Posted on by maljoylove

I’ve been struggling a lot with expectations for myself lately. I feel like my brain is forever running at a million miles an hour while still somehow only actually getting 1 mile in distance. Maybe the reason I struggle so much with weight loss is because my brain is constantly moving and digesting, so I think I’m burning more than I actually am.
I feel like I keep compounding expectations for my body and my mind, expectations that I set for myself based on expectations that my fiancé, friends, and family set for me. When it comes to my weight loss for this year, I keep trying to live like I lived when I lost weight the first time around, but that isn’t necessarily possible. At that time in my life I was desperate, walking everywhere, and had the opportunity to live a life away from everyone else’s opinions. Nowadays I don’t have any of those luxuries. I am forever en communicado with the people I love and my city is only walked two streets at a time by the bold jaywalking tourists. I’ve joined the rat race and it shows.

I think most people would agree that having people is easier than being alone, and I’m not saying that’s not fair, but it puts you on a different wavelength than you are when you have only yourself to give you feedback. I feel like now I’m working as another entity, as a friend/sister/daughter/girlfriend, when I should be working as Mallory, who happens to be all those things.
It’s possible that it all comes from an increasing volume of responsibility, in which all of these people who influence me may have an impact on my choices, but they will suffer little to no consequences of my actions. That level of responsibility is only going to grow as I continue to develop as an adult, so maybe my being stagnant in my own mental state or the presence of my mental roadblocks stem from a fear of failing with that inevitable additional responsibility. It’s almost as though if I were to stay in the same place, it’d be impossible for me to move up and have more responsibility.
It’s impossible for me to have no outside influence at this point in my life. But I should at least lessen their impact or not even include them in my day-to-day. I can still keep my life separate from theirs without shutting anyone out completely. How am I supposed to grow if I let everyone else do the growing for me?

The Prince(ss) Skinny Legend That Was Promised

Posted on by maljoylove

I feel like I’m going through a strange transition in my journey of self-love. I find myself engaging in more toxic habits, as in, binge eating without abandon. I’ve gained weight, and I’m really disappointed in myself. But with that, I’ve had photos taken of me in the past tow months, and each time I’ve looked at them, I’ve thought I looked good.

I scrutinize instantly, without thought, and sure, after a while, you find something to hate. But more often than not, my thought has been “oh, I look cute!” rather than “Diet starts tomorrow.” Two nights ago, Aaron and I went to a late night Disney event. Not wanting to do anything when we got home at 2 AM, I made the pre-emptive choice to go makeup-less to the event. I look pretty, in my opinion, in the photos from that night. Granted, that could’ve just been Disney working its trademark magic, but who is to say the magic couldn’t have also been me?

Self love is a weird journey to travel. You have such a delicate boundary between loving your body by giving it clean water, maintaining your hygiene, and feeding it greens, while simultaneously living vicariously and ordering dessert because life is too short. I’m such a “Have some chocolate every night to stay sane” kind of girl, and I stilll don’t know if that’s toxic behavior.

My mom, out of the kindness of her heart, bought me some pretty dresses to update my summer wardrobe. I was freaking out to try them on, but they all fit and flattered! Meanwhile, six hours ago, I was freaking out at my reflection about having a thick upper body (too big a chest, larger shoulders).

ee40b545e8442e90cc4c6cf679e243b8
Raw footage of me in the bathroom looking at my shoulders this afternoon. But actually, “Neil Patrick Harris/Taylor Swift.” SNL, NBC. 10 January 2009.

I felt most comfortable in my skin when I was thinner, and I acknowledge that I need to make healthier choices when I eat. I also want to work out harder, I’ve been so sleepy when I get to the gym in the morning that I don’t push myself to the hardest I can go. I want to change that.

More than that: I feel like I’m so close to being unstoppable, but not being conventionally beautiful (read: meet society’s standards of beauty) keeps me from truly excelling. I agree that standards are changing, but I still feel like more likely than not successful women are fit and healthy. Michelle Obama comes to mind, as do the most accomplished ladies in my workplace. Not a hair out of place, full face of makeup, body by spin class (I say, having loved Soul Cycle but it’s not in my city yet? I DEMAND IT), that describes a lot if not all of the women I aspire to be, aesthetically.

At my most confident, imagine: strong, smart, compassionate, loyal, friendly, ambitious, talented, AND beautiful? That girl conquers the world. I feel like that is my destiny. I want that as my future. I want it as my present, but I’m ready to work towards it. Whose to say that by the time I get to “Mission Accomplished,” I’ve moved up a step or two in my career?

But with that, I have to go to sleep at a decent hour. It’s 9:50 (didn’t I JUST say I was going to stop being on the computer at 8 PM?), and it’s time to get in bed.

sleepkeepsyouprettygilmoregirls
“Here Comes the Sun.” Gilmore Girls, The WB. 13 May 2003.

 

Well, well, well…

Posted on by maljoylove

As I mentioned at some point earlier, I’ve been doing a “poetry a day” challenge. I’ve been incorporating photo editing to each poem, so it’s a two hour process, and as a result, I haven’t been able to blog as much. I have to be honest, I love writing poetry… but I’ve missed this!

I have a lot of laundry to iron and put away, but I did half of it and now my “ironing” hand hurts. Now is as good as time as ever to come back!

This week I would like to start fresh: drinking water, healthy sleep schedule…I even purchased a WOMEN’S MULTIVITAMIN (this post is sponsored by SugarBear Hair [no it is not I just bought them]). I look at some of the women in my “#goals” list and I notice some similarities. I think it’s time I take stock in it!

  1. Solid morning routine. Warm water with lemon seems to be the go-to for every influencer and Angel. What I want to do is start my mornings with this lemon water, yoga, and meditation.
  2. Varied workout routines. Yoga seems to be a consistent go-to, along with dance or self-defense inspired workouts. Boxing and Barre seem to guarantee limbs that are both long and strong. I’m down, honestly!Side Note: I will note that these are a bunch of skinny women, and I don’t know if workouts for girls with a much lower body fat percentage will work for me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try them. I’ve always wanted to be super-hero strong, with cutie lil’ arm muscles but thin legs.
  3. Diet preferences. Get shocked — lots of veggies, little dairy, lean proteins. Have a dessert once in a while to avoid feeling crazy. Emily Ratajkowski says that she eats lots of carbs and plenty of dessert. She eats a pastry for breakfast and goes out for dinner regularly.
    Emily-Ratajkowski
    I DON’T BELIEVE YOU EMILY. I. DON’T. BELIEVE. YOU.
  4. Sweet Dreams — These girls get seven to eight hours of sleep a night. This seems not impossible, and probably a strong habit to develop before I have kids (eventually). I think I want to start striving for seven hours of sleep, and then if I can add the extra hour, I will make it happen. If I wake up at five, I have to go to bed at ten. I think getting in bed by nine is doable.
    I’m headed to Disney for a late night event tonight, so I won’t be able to enact this one until tomorrow night. In general, I want to turn my computer off at eight. If two hours isn’t enough time on the computer for me, I have a much bigger problem.
  5. Hydration — OKAY, I GET IT. You all drink water and use coconut oil. that appears to be the magic elements: coconut and water. I’ll start incorporating it more.
  6. Tuning in — There seems to be a pattern of connection. The girls I look up to all seem to do yoga, meditate, or some combination of practices that enable them to listen to their bodies more.

So in summary — clean eating, workouts that combine strength training and cardio, and connection with the body, mind, and soul.

With that, I’m going to do my poem for the day. The theme is “reflection.” How’s that for connection to the soul?

On Your Mark, Jet Set, Go!

Posted on by maljoylove

I’ve had another busy week, but I feel like I’m getting a lot done tonight. I decided to “sleep in” today until 6:45, rather than go to the gym. I got to enjoy my morning wake-up with Aaron as a result, and even had time to do a face mask before work. It was a work-from-home Wednesday, which is always a lovely reprieve. I tend to take Wednesday mornings for myself to have a nice leisurely morning. It’s a great way to celebrate “hump day”. Tuesdays tend to wear me out more than other days.

During my lunch “break,” I did all the dishes in my sink and took care of a few other chores. I got to end my work day with a clean kitchen that immediately got messy again when I hurricane’d my way through to make dinner.

In between the end of my work day and making dinner, I decided to make up for the lack of a morning gym trip by going for a run. It was a sunny afternoon but there was good wind blowing. It’s nice to see my neighborhood awake with dogs on their post-workday walk, families bringing home the kids from their schoolday, lawn and cable workers smiling wearily as they return to their cars to go home for the night… we’re all on our routines.

I alternated between walking and running, and it reminded me of when I used to walk to and from class. Those daily walks kept me sane, and I don’t think I ever appreciated them.

After thoroughly appreciating perfectly grilled quesadillas (filled with veggies and meatless crumbles for me… with a side of homemade guac, thank you!) and welcoming Aaron home from work (I may have made him a bowl of edible cookie dough — the trick is to not use eggs!), I cleaned up from dinner and wrote a quick poem about body image for today’s “escapril” (that 30 day poetry challenge for National Poetry Month).

So we have:
Productive work day
Quality Workout
Cleaned living space
Nutrient dense dinner
Poetry of the day completed

Not bad, right? Now all that’s left is to wash my hair and pack for my trip.

Oh yes, I’m going back to New York. It’s a quieter trip this time, as I’m visiting to spend the Jewish holidays with my family (happy almost Passover!).

Here are a few fun travel tips I’ve picked up over the years (from experience and from family members instilling it from day one):

  1. DON’T PACK THE MORNING OF YOUR TRIP. Guess what? You need a new charger. You can’t find that shirt you were going to wear. You forgot to pack socks. Don’t wait until the morning of, especially if/when there’s a risk you’re going to run out of time.
  2. GET TO THE AIRPORT TWO HOURS BEFORE YOUR FLIGHT DEPARTURE TIME. I adjust this as needed, since holiday flights tend to make me a bit more cautious and I’ll add time. As well, certain airports I’ve visited are frequently D-E-A-D, and I can push it to an hour and fifteen minutes before the flight leaves. I’d rather sit in the airport with a book (or treat myself to a magazine) for an extra thirty minutes than risk huffing and puffing from a line to my gate (or worse… missing my flight).

    Fun travel anecdote: Once, an entire flight I was on checked in early. The pilot showed up and said “Hey, you guys are all here, you wanna just take off early?” and we left ahead of schedule! It’s only happened once, but when everyone plans ahead, we all win.

  3. TREAT YOUR SKIN RIGHT IN-FLIGHT. I’ve stopped wearing makeup and contact lenses on red-eye flights. Sometimes I wear makeup if I know I’m landing during the day, but if anything, I’ll do my skin routine before I head out and then apply makeup when I know we’ve hit that “last ten minutes before the descent” sweet spot. MOISTURIZE. I personally have started doing sheet masks on airplanes. It is just… blissful. HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS.
  4. Your “personal item” should have a zipper. Pick something sturdy that won’t accidentally fall open and spill everything during turbulent bumps mid-flight.
  5. Start the security “strip” process two people before you get to the conveyor belt. Lose the shoes, take off your sweatshirt, grab your laptop/kindle and your “clear bag of liquids and aerosols.” Once your time has come, BOOM, slap your carry-on bag/personal item on the belt, placing your shoes next to them then grab a tray for your needed products and immediately place it on the belt. Your speed will benefit you, both in terms of convenience for the people around you, and also startling them into paying attention because wow, you’re moving really fast, you’ve DONE THIS BEFORE, HAVEN’T YOU? Yes, I have. Thank you for noticing.
  6. Pack warm pajamas. Nine times out of ten, your hotel room will be cold, not hot. I perpetually have cold feet, so I bring fuzzy warm socks no matter where I’m going.
  7.  Download Spotify playlists. In this post-iTunes library world, I recommend saving your favorite Spotify playlists to your phone so you don’t have a soundtrack-less flight. I sleep on flights regularly, and I have a few relaxing musical playlists saved to my phone to get me in that nice zen state of mind. If you want to use your three hour jaunt to catch up on podcasts, don’t forget to download those, too! I’m still of the opinion that paying for in-flight wifi is a waste unless you need to complete business work. If I can go seven hours without Instagram, so can you. I PROMISE.
  8. Pack for every quick-fix necessity. Advil. Pepto tablets. PADS. You will hate yourself for not planning ahead if you get nausea or are surrounded by a chorus of screaming children on your flight.
  9. FREQUENT FLYERS – Create a separate makeup kit for your travels. They don’t have to be perfect, expensive palettes like your normal everyday wear. Wet n’ Wild products are bomb and tend to be cheaper, which make them ideal for when you want to have a full face without risking leaving your Fenty in a hotel room. Those samples you get after spending too much at Sephora? BRING THEM. THIS IS THEIR TIME. Don’t forget makeup remover wipes! 
  10. BRING CASH. ALWAYS. Tips. Credit card mishaps. Things, life, just happens. Be prepared. That’s what this whole list is about, honestly. Be prepared beforehand so you can enjoy everything else when you land.

With that, it’s 9:23. In bed by 10:30? Let’s give it a try.

Have you ever had a Marionberry Pancake?

Posted on by maljoylove

I’m obsessed with Portlandia, because it reminds me of Burlington. In their “Brunch Village” episode the daily special of the popular brunch spot is marionberry pancakes. I think they were going for the most obscure berry they could think of to obtain that “why is it” niche. Literally, take half of these sketches and put them on Church Street, and you wouldn’t notice.

“Brunch Village.” Portlandia, IFC. 9 March 2012

This week has been exhausting, especially compared to how blissful the weekend had been. Thankfully, nothing too maddening happened this week, but as we get further into our site migration, there’s more for us to learn-by-doing.

That said, there are a few things that I feel myself losing patience on frequently this week. People are trying to adjust their website without knowing how to do it. Imagine being a mechanic and standing next to someone with a flat tire, and the person wants to repair the flat tire on their own, but wants you to explain it to them, and when you tell them “You need a spare tire” they ask what a spare tire is. At that point, just let the mechanic repair the tire. This is not your time, my love.

With that, there is a sense of camaraderie with my coworkers. We know what it means when “Beverly” needs help, or when “Fred from Chicago” is on the phone. Then comes the pregnant pause after the phone call ends, and the coworker is like “OH. MY. GOD.” and we can all reply back with “Dude, I know.” It also helps me with appreciating the GOOD customers more. I’d give my life for “Carly.” Call me with help with the website whenever you need it, okay?

I’ve come up with a tactic when I feel like I’m about to snap. I just close my eyes and pretend I’m floating in the ocean, and I’m surrounded by tiny seahorses (solid “Napoleon Dynamite” reference). Then there’s jellyfish in my head, and I move my hand like it’s a jellyfish. The movement REALLY calms me down and diffuses my tension.

Light. Happy. Free. It’s me.
This image is from Tumblr.
I’m not certain if this is a real jellyfish it looks animated.

The theme song for Portlandia is really chill, too. It’s called “Feel it All Around” by Washed Out, and it does remind me of walking Church Street like I did in college.

It’s flashback Friday, and I’m feeling the nostalgia tonight for UVM hard. I’ve been doing a poem a day, and today’s theme was “Back to Nature.” I kept thinking about the times I’d just walk through the colors of UVM, whether it was the trees on campus or lying in the snow on a dead silent night. I have a lot of good memories. I can’t wait to move to New York, but I want to retire in Vermont. I want to have a nice home where I can hike and go to a farmer’s market for fresh vegetables.

I will make it happen one day. For now, I’m going to get ready for bed.

After one more episode.

Thoughts on Gratitude

Posted on by maljoylove

I feel like lately, I’ve been struggling with me. Work has been stressful with golf season in full “swing” (come back I’m not done), and I have a lot of self-imposed pressure to look perfect for my wedding in 200 days (give or take). I’ve had mini breakthroughs along the way, but I’ve noticed my low moments more and more and felt powerless against them.

This weekend has left me with a lot of gratitude. I’m lucky that I have family who made me feel safe and loved. Out of frame of this shot sat a kind of person I didn’t think existed until we met. I’m grateful for him.

Not long after taking this photo we wandered over to Strawberry Fields, where dozens gather to commemorate John Lennon (who, yes, is not my favorite Beatle, but his music matters). A guitarist sat nearby and someone walked past and requested “Imagine”. The crowd of strangers sat on the benches and listened as this girl strummed and sang the words we all knew. Everyone quietly joined in for the chorus and applauded at the end (I know “and everyone applauded” is very r/thathappened, but it did, I swear. No whoops or cheers, it was very polite applause). A girl sat with her mother crying and thanked the guitarist for playing that song, because it was her father’s favorite.

I’m grateful for that moment of community and love.

Before heading to the airport we found ourselves at One World Trade Center. It reminded me to be thankful because, as Lin-Manuel Miranda once so eloquently put it, “senseless acts of tragedy remind us that nothing here is promised, not one day.”

There were many beautiful things about this weekend, from our hotel to the food to the weather to the multitude of dogs. An absolute peak came from visiting 30 Rock. Twelve years ago, I was an awkward middle schooler who was obsessed with “Mean Girls,” and excitedly watched Saturday Night Live for the first time as Tina Fey hosted the show for its return after the end of the WGA Writers Strike. I am grateful to have had her voice guiding me through high school and college and helping me fall in love with comedy, writing, and strong female friendships (I hold Leslie and Ann strong in my heart, but the first big one was always Amy and Tina).

I wanted to work for NBC after that first SNL episode, and I’m so happy to say that now I do. It reminds me of how far I’ve come, and how much farther I have to go. A lot can happen in twelve years, so who knows where I’ll be at 36?

So today, I am thankful. I’m full to the brim with love and appreciation for the time spent this weekend, and I’m equally grateful for all the steps and missteps that got me there. I think twelve-year-old me would be proud of our journey. I resolve (and dare I say manifest?) to keep her with me as i move forward with this week, with this season, with the next 200 days, and the next twelve years.

If you read this, thank you. I love you. You can do this. Flurm.

Let’s Bang Out This Morning Routine

Posted on by maljoylove

Day 3 of OMAD, and the hunger pangs keep coming during the day but they are so liveable, and I have been relatively zen for the past three days. It makes me happy to think I might have found something that works!

That said, today, my angel of a coworker was sick, and we’re heading into peak season. On top of that, we’re in the middle of a massive transition with our platform that is throwing off our ability to make some crucial changes. I was trying to keep a cool head, but it was very busy. I can really only summarize my thoughts with this vine:

That said, I love how I started this year with a specific intent with my New Year to not put a lot of focus on my reading nor my weight, and yet that’s almost entirely been my focus these days. Rather than avoid it, I’d like to manifest it. With that, I want to put together a focused morning routine:

Let’s say my mornings are 5 AM – 7:30 AM. I need to reserve 7:00 – 7:30 AM for getting ready for work. That gives me from 5 AM to 7 AM to have a good start to my morning.

At 5 AM, I should wake up, brush my teeth, and drink a glass of water. I think with that I should do a morning meditation, and morning affirmations.

I think my workouts can be shorter. That said, in relation to my New Year’s resolutions, I have been making slow but steady progress with my “pull-up” resolution! It takes about twenty minutes to do my warm up and my pull-up practice. Everything on Pinterest says that fat loss isn’t so much about lengthy cardio as it is about weight lifting. WITH that, I lose fat from my legs last, and seeing my, ahem, “juicy” thighs is what always reminds me that I could stand to skip dessert every so often; when I look up how to lose fat from thighs, each article says endurance running, long bouts of easy cardio (nothing like a stairmaster or a high incline treadmill).

So, what is it, guys? No squats or no cardio?

“Beach Games.” The Office, NBC. 10 May, 2007

I’m going to just suggest that I do combinations of both, but keep my “leg days” light. Power walking is a suggested cardio, which I love, because I enjoy blasting songs played during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show and pretending I’m strutting the runway.

“2012 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.” CBS. Aired 7 November 2012. Walk by Rihanna during Phresh Out the Runway. Let it be known that Rihanna killed this walk and then created “SAVAGE X FENTY,” which has rivaled Victoria’s Secret lingerie with it’s competitive prices and inclusive sizing. I still want to be an Angel though, tbh.

Combine it with my arm workouts and ab workouts and I should be fine. Is it a problem, then, that my workouts are an hour? And then throw in the thirty minutes to get there and back? That leaves me only thirty minutes to hydrate in the morning, brush my teeth, and get myself dressed for the gym.

I could sleep in my gym clothes, but I’ve read that I’m not supposed to sleep in my sports bra either. I guess the act of taking off my workout shirt to put on a bra, and then putting my shirt back on, is less time-consuming than going all-out WITHOUT putting on anything.

So it’s settled then:
First five minutes of my morning: Brush my teeth, get water
Next twenty minutes of my morning: Meditation
Next five minutes of my morning: Getting changed and lacing up
Next fifteen minutes of my morning: Getting to the gym
Next sixty minutes of my morning: Workout, including:

  • Ten minute warm-up
  • Five minute pull-ups (three-four sets of ten)
  • Forty minutes of some combination of the following:
    • All cardio
    • Arm workout
    • Abs workout
    • Leg workout
    • Brief cardio session
  • Five minute cool down session

Next fifteen minutes of my morning: Getting home from the gym and MAKING GREEN TEA.

I wanna do aromatherapy in the shower. Cleanse with intent, or something.

That there sentence summarizes my whole approach to life: a desire for purpose, but cloaked in layer of humor with a dash of self-deprecation.

Enjoy green tea while getting ready in the morning. I want my mornings to feel more free, less frantic.

Here are some of the “I am” statements I want to use to guide my meditations:

I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I am loved.
I am smart.
I am successful.
I am kind.
I am beautiful as I am.
I am wealthy in currency.
I am wealthy in life.
I am wealthy in love.
I am whole.
I am pure.
I am happy.
I am content.
I am free.

Close it out with that layer of humor: here’s Josh Groban singing a Kanye West tweet.

Springing Forward

Posted on by maljoylove

I don’t know what it is! Maybe because I’m already home from work, or maybe because I’m trying to manifest better energy, but I feel so light and happy right now!

I’m giving OMAD a shot this week, and I started to feel it a few times during the day, but I let mind over matter persevere. Now I’m home and Aaron’s making pasta for dinner. I’m in my pajamas already, too! It feels good to feel this good.

I want to fill this blog entry up with smiley faces. Hooray for being happy!

I was watching this vlog today about a new-age morning routine. This girl wakes up and meditates, expresses gratitude, does kundalini yoga, and reads tarot cards, along with doing the standard skin routine ALL while waking up after the sun. I’m so jealous! I want to wake up at sunrise to meditate, then go for a workout. You know, when I verbalize that out loud, it doesn’t sound so impossible. I’d have to track the sunrise but I think I can do it! Or at least, meditate at sunset? The Golden Hour, for sure!

I also like that she expressed gratitude and recited affirmations. It’s all part of the law of attraction, where you attract only what you put out, like happy loving thoughts. I want to do that, too. I’ve definitely felt very ho-hum the past few weeks. I feel like my brain is all over the place! It’d do me well to write down all the things that are scattered in my brain.

Well, I’ve got a canvas right here, don’t I?

  1. Wanting to listen to more podcasts.
  2. Wanting to be more proactive in the mornings.
  3. Wanting to live kinder.
  4. Wanting to be healthier.
  5. Wanting a picture perfect wedding.
  6. Wanting a higher-paying job.
  7. Wanting to learn another language.
  8. Wanting to read more books.
  9. Wanting to be less tired.
  10. Wanting to FEEL less stress (I live a pretty not-so-stressful life, but I think I manifest the stress I DO have and it fogs my brain. Let’s get that out of there!).
  11. Wanting to have less debt.
  12. Wanting to be more organized.
  13. Wanting to have all of those things while still enjoying “Gossip Girl” and Pinterest scrolls.

The question is– Do I chip away at all of it at once, or do I chunk it down and tackle three of them at a time? I feel like taking care of all these things will make me the well-adjusted adult worthy of a memoir. Like “Somehow I Manage,” with me shrugging on the cover with my sleeves rolled up.

Okay, I’m watching “Gossip Girl” right now, but after this episode I will shift my attention to adding my bank accounts to my new phone and figuring out Acorn. Get my financial ducks in a row while listening to a podcast, then read before bed. Jackpot! Steps at a time.

Too Tired, Can’t Sleep

Posted on by maljoylove

Here’s a few late-night metaphors: I spent today looking at bedding for my future home, but while every major model will forever profess the pros of a silk pillowcase, the animal cruelty behind it just isn’t worth it. I’d rather lay my head on it’s equally capable but far more elusive counterpart, bamboo. With that, sweet dreams are far from my mind with the onslaught of rude awakenings:

  • I’m done with Whole30. The literature on it seems toxic and seems darker than what it offers at the surface level. The mentality is removal of all of life’s indulgences, even going so far as to saying brown rice is bad for you. The truth? Everything in moderation, INCLUDING moderation. Brown rice every day probably isn’t the better way to live, but to say it should be removed entirely from the diet is ridiculous. Tofu gets an equally bad rap with that crowd.
  • I tried to indulge my sweet tooth with some chocolate marshmallows tonight, but it just wasn’t a good time. I’ll give Whole30 that, it gave me what I wanted: a temporary detox to revitalize my eating habits.
  • My Grandpa called me yesterday. Have I mentioned him yet? Retired accountant of the New York City bigwhigs, been married to my grandmother for almost sixty years, raised three feminist women in the sixties and seventies. He has traveled the world three times over and every cent that doesn’t go to hospice for my grandmother goes to charity. He is a man among men, and clearly my mom’s ability to always be right has come from him.He thinks I’m not being paid enough for what I do, and I should look elsewhere for better opportunities.

I want to start there, actually, since it’s the one weighing on me the most:
I want to stay with NBC so much, and he’s right. All this binge-watching of “Gossip Girl” has reminded me of how much I want to live in New York City, working at NBC and climbing the corporate ladder. But do you hear how vague that is? I do. I know I want the perks, but I don’t know how I want to get them. There are all the stories of people starting out in the mail room and answering phones, and then they end up buyers and department heads. I love bread as much as the next girl, but the ends of the sandwich aren’t interesting to me right now. What’s the deli meat, a really well-timed networking event? A portfolio created during off-hours as the extra pickles?

I also have to consider that I’m getting married, and Aaron will need a job in New York, too. The job has to be perfect for him, because so long as the pay is better and we can still live in something live-able, I will be happy.

Here’s the problem: I don’t know what I bring that makes me worth hiring in New York. I know that they should be paying me more to STAY at Golf Channel, but they won’t. Even worse, I’m scared they’ll fire me if I asked for more. My direct boss is great and wouldn’t, but he’s not the one writing my paycheck. I really don’t know what the next step would be. I’m fine with biding my time, but I know what happens when you “wait for it.”

Miranda, Lin-Manuel. “Wait For It.” Hamilton, music and lyrics by Lin-Manuel Miranda

I guess my next step is figuring out what gets me hired. With the company in transition, the right thing to do is not abandon them. I do care about my teammates, and the people I work with are great. I want to stay with NBC for multiple reasons, chief among them being their content and culture. Now isn’t the time for risks, but it is the time for work. It’s time for work, and time for plotting PLANNING. Ugh, Blair Waldorf’s got me scheming.

As for the nutritional wake-up call, I’m not certain on how to proceed. I don’t want to backslide into daily Reese’s Cups and weekly Asiago bagels. That said, I don’t want to live without the foods that make me happy. I have the strangest mentality about food: I eat when I’m not hungry but craving food mentally. My tummy is fine, but my brain says “You need ice cream or you’re going to set yourself on fire.” I need to curb that brain energy. I think once I end that battle, the war will end with it.

It’s all easier said than done. Control your brain’s impulses. Apply for a better job. Apply myself to be more desirable to an HR representative. Learn French (is playing the lottery and running away to London still an option?). In execution, it’s a lot of work, and I have a stack of dishes piled up in my sink.

I think I’ll go to bed. Start with the dishes in the morning. Go from there.

Maybe read a book while I’m at it. I kept falling asleep during attempts to read “An Infinite View,” and not for the subject matter. I’m sleep-deprived.

Do dishes. Read a book. Get my life together. Check, check and check.

“Succession”. 30 Rock. Written by Andrew Guest and John Riggi, directed by Gail Mancuso. NBC, 2008.

Whole Lotta Nonsense

Posted on by maljoylove

It’s a quiet Saturday. Aaron is still sick, but getting better. I’m mostly staying productive, but I really want to just sleep and do nothing.

That said, I went to my float therapy session yesterday and WHOA. What a surreal experience. They put you in a tank that has about a foot of water in it, and the water is an Epsom salt/saline solution. They put on lights and relaxing music for the first ten minutes, then everything fades so it’s just you and the float water. They consider it sensory deprivation. Then you just float for an hour in the dark and mostly silence until the lights come back on to signal the end of the session.

After such a stressful two weeks, I was looking forward to having an hour to just unwind and breathe quietly. Unfortunately, my mind was so used to being stressed that I spent a lot of the session stressing. My mind couldn’t stop thinking, I would jolt at any background noise, and I felt like my body just couldn’t let go of tension. That said, after literally telling my body to calm down and letting my thoughts drift, I eventually fell asleep! It wasn’t long before the lights came back on and I had to step out to rinse off all the salt.

When I came home, I had dinner and almost immediately fell asleep. It was a great way to relax my muscles and let go of everything. I would go back and do another session now that I know what to expect.

I had a great workout this morning, then came home and had a nap before I went to the store. The grocery store was kind of off today, to be honest. I felt like everyone was invading my space. There were people right behind me, people cutting in front of me, and at one point I went to an empty check-out line and wanted to thumb through the latest “Cosmo” magazine. Before I could even think about buying that or the “Shape” magazine next to it, the checkout lady called for my attention and threw me into a state of confusion. As well, the person who took care of my bags got really into my personal space and made me feel uncomfortable. It wasn’t anything in particular, just the energy made me sprint to my car, even though he was pushing my cart. I could have pushed the cart myself but he went for the handles before I could do anything and at that point I didn’t want to be rude.

“Kimmy Goes Outside!” Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Netflix

At any rate, my shopping trip was more expensive than I wanted it to be. I blame the additional ingredients I needed for this week, and next week, and the week after that… because I’m doing Whole30. Whole30 is a “fad diet” in which you eat clean for 30 days. That means 30 days of no grains, legumes, peanuts, dairy, desserts, and extra sugar, among other things. I decided to give it a try, what with my biggest trigger foods being cheese, chocolate and thick bread. I wanted a fresh start after eating poorly for all of December and most of January.

I didn’t realize it would be this hard.

“Customer Survey.” The Office. NBC. 

The bread part is tough, as is the dessert. But you know what’s tough? Not being able to make desserts using “Whole30” compliant foods. Not being able to eat rice. JUICE is frowned upon unless being used as a base in a smoothie. I had to find lite and full-fat coconut milk and both had a preservative that Whole30 doesn’t allow.

I don’t know what it is, either, but looking at Whole30 forums bums me out as well. Everyone who provides confirmation of what is and isn’t compliant seems grouchy.

Probably because they haven’t eaten anything fun or indulgent in eight years.

Rupaul’s Drag Race. VH1

That said, back in London I ate plenty of pasta and bananas daily. I can’t remember the last time I had a banana as a snack and not a smoothie base. It’s nice. It’s also nice to eat what I want and not count calories. Not counting calories is so liberating! I haven’t done that in so long. Literal years.

There’s good and bad to it. The coconut milk thing really bothered me today, as did having to pay extra for Whole30 compliant mayonnaise and coconut aminos instead of soy sauce. As does not being able to have hummus. I miss dessert.

Friends say that the cravings end after two weeks, and I’m looking forward to that. I’m also looking forward to not having dreams where I eat chocolate chips by the handful and/or shotgun cotton candy.

In other news, my mom has asked Aaron and I to expand our registry for the wedding. It’s so weird to think of creating a shopping list for people to buy things for me. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, if I do put something ludicrous on my list, no one has to get it for me. I think that’s what I’m going to do tonight– fold my laundry and make a list of things that I want in my house for the rest of time forever.

I’m gonna leave this thought with Tommy Haverford himself:

“Emergency Response.” Parks and Recreation. NBC.