Category: Stress

Suddenly, She’s Triggered

Posted on by maljoylove

Whole30 is whooping my butt. My tummy has felt off since I had breakfast this AM, and I think it has to do with all the bananas and the sudden addition of cauliflower (I’ve been having a cauliflower soup for dinner the past two nights– it’s very good).

It’s actually not fair to say that it’s Whole30, because aside from a couple of inconveniences, things are going fine. I just feel so heavy right now. It feels stupid to think about how much I want to be thin, especially for my wedding, because that’s so not important in the grand scheme of things.

Ugh, my thoughts are all over the place today because even THAT is wrong. The wedding part, maybe, but I’ll be real: the summer after I lost forty pounds was great! I felt confident and happy in my skin. I was at the top of my game. I feel like everything else in my life is pretty great too, so imagine if things WERE great and I FELT great.

I feel like I need more structure. I need to approach everything in my life with moderation. Binge watching new shows definitely throws me off my game. That said, having The Office or Parks and Recreation on in the background while I do chores has always worked. I think that staying active and not couch potato-ing it will help me be more active a person. If I go from dinner to doing dishes to chores to self-care to reading to meditating to bed, there won’t be a whole lot of room for me to sit on the couch and crave something sweet.

Someday I’ll take my own advice. Meanwhile I still wish I had Blair Waldorf’s style, Serena’s smile, and the ability to slap Dan because how DARE he have already moved on so fast?? Love of his life, my butt. It’s sad that I’m quicker to forgive Joe Goldberg for murder than Dan Humphrey for getting with Georgina Sparks. Catch me caring.

2 Weeks Later

Posted on by maljoylove

I haven’t written in two weeks. It’s not for lack of desire, but lack of mental ability! I am so exhausted. Last week, the servers at work started an arduous maintenance progress. With half our team gone this week, I’ve had to update the websites for everyone with only one other person to help me. Things have been so hectic!

I’ve wanted to spend the last week writing, reading, meditating, finding a new sense of balance. But right now, I feel like all I can muster is work and workouts! I even asked Aaron for us to not spend the weekend at Disney World last weekend because I was too tired to spend two days walking around and eating indulgent foods. I needed a day to rest!

I’ve always wondered if enumerating my stresses would help me face them and alleviate them. I would like to try that now.

  1. Work is crazy. Everyone is on my case about things getting updated or the status of the server maintenance. It’s all work that I can do, but the volume is immense.
  2. My food choices are driving me crazy. I decided to do Whole30, which is 30 days of clean eating. I thought my body needed a detox after spending far too many days eating Reeses Cups and Hershey Kisses and… Panera Mac n Cheese. As a result, for the next 27 days (I’m on day 3) I can’t have any dairy, any desserts, any bread products, any legumes, anything processed, nor any products with added sugar. I can’t even make desserts out of Whole30 compliant foods. I feel mental hunger and I can’t do anything about it.
  3. I need to pick a honeymoon and make sure it’s fun and affordable. I can’t decide what I want.
  4. I’m too tired to do anything I enjoy, like reading or making time for self-care. My self-care has been WAY off this past week.
  5. My body is terrible. I feel like I look awful.
  6. My house is super messy and I’m too tired to clean it.
  7. Aaron is sick right now.

The issue here is that it’s a lot to handle for one person. A lot of stress impacting my 5’3 body. But let’s tackle them:

  1. Work is crazy… for now. This maintenance will be resolved soon. The other half of the team will be back Monday. You can handle two more days. You can. If things still haven’t improved by Tuesday, you can meet up with the other team members on how to move forward next week.
  2. It’s 30 Days. In 30 Days, you will be able to eat Reeses Cups, cookie cake, and all the donuts you want. Who knows? Maybe in 30 days you won’t want to eat that anymore. Your skin will clear up, you may even get more energy.
  3. This is a wonderful decision to make. You will make it when things calm down everywhere else. This can wait.
  4. A lot of this is probably mental exhaustion due to the other things in your life. Power through the rest of this week and start fresh on Monday.
  5. Take a bath. Take time to do your makeup tomorrow. Do something nice with your hair. Pick out a cute outfit for you to wear to work. This weekend treat yourself to a manicure/pedicure and maybe a blowout. Doing self-care this week will help. See how you feel in 30 Days, too!
  6. Clean one part of your house tonight, then another part tomorrow. You can do a deep clean this weekend.
  7. Take care of Aaron as much as you can, but take care of yourself. You’re going to be okay.

Whatever higher power is out there wouldn’t put something in front of you if they knew you couldn’t handle it. You most certainly can.

It feels good to say that. I know I can do it, I just wish I could be on an island somewhere. I wish I could just… I have had an epiphany and I’m going to state it thus:

I wish I could just float. There is a floating therapy studio down the street from where I work. I’m going to go.

Update: I made a floating therapy appointment for Friday after work, and a blowout appointment for Sunday. Pretty hair and a relaxed body. I love it already!

I was listening to a podcast yesterday that provided a good mantra: “Stillness, let go, listen, receive, and be.” I’m going to carry that with me moving forward this week, with an addition of “Love and breathe.” I could use a bit more of all of that.

I will be back soon. I’m listening to that podcast now, and feeling such zen. I’m ready to be present and let go of the tension. I feel love and I am love.

It’s Such a Wednesday

Posted on by maljoylove
Current Mood

I want to have a positive attitude all the time, and regularly manifest good energy. That said, I feel like anything else besides happiness is bad.

I just came off an extremely annoying workday. Who calls with forty minutes worth of questions at 4:40, making me work past my 5PM shift end? It’s infuriating! The rest of the day was equally stressful, because it was full of forty-five minute lulls and then thirty minutes of eight cases at a time.

I know all of this is grunt work, and it’s a necessary part of being successful. To get to the rainbow, you have to make it through the rain. Days like it today make it hard for me to feel like this is just step one. I just want to fast-forward to being large and in charge, and not having to deal with the nonsense. I want to pay other people to take care of the nonsense for me.

In the meantime, I’m going to just enjoy the rest of the afternoon the best way I know how. A few self-care and tidying practices after dinner with Aaron.

It’s a part of life. I accept things I cannot change and I move forward from them with that understanding.

I DON’T HAVE TO LIKE IT THOUGH. SO THERE.

It’s a Tuesday

Posted on by maljoylove

I was going to write yesterday, but yesterday was not a great day. Do you ever just start a day and know it’s going to be terrible? I woke up feeling so lagged. My workout was mediocre, and I just crawled back into bed when I got home. I didn’t eat breakfast, and had a headache all day. My day only got better when I got home from work!

That said, when I got home, I started on my second book of the year! That’s right, I finished “Becoming,” Michelle Obama’s memoir. It was a compelling and thoughtful look at her life, both as Michelle Robinson, the Ivy League lawyer turned community outreach coordinator, and as FLOTUS Michelle Obama. She innovated programs to improve nutrition in America’s youth, improved conditions for US Veterans, and helped young women in other countries get access to quality education. Now that’s my kind of woman!

But onto book two-sday. Get it? I’m sorry.

It’s called “No Excuses! The Power of Self-Discipline,” by Brian Tracy. It’s been an eye-opening read so far, AND it comes with little philosophy/reflection exercises. Or at least, this chapter does! I thought I might list them here, as sort of a way to track my way through the book:

1. If your work life and career were ideal, what would they look like? What one discipline could you develop that would help you to achieve it? 
My ideal career would give me a grandiose office with the opportunity to work from home. I would get to travel to other countries for work, and I would make the big decisions every day. From the sounds of it, I want to be large and in charge! To achieve this, I need to keep climbing the ladder and defying expectations. I want to stand out within my company and grow with it. I have ideas on how I can develop, both personally and within the capacity of the company. It’s on me to propose them, with a plan, and then my supervisors will know that I take initiative and work hard to help others!

2. If your family life were ideal, what would it look like, and what one discipline would help you the most to make it a reality?
To be honest, I think my family life is ideal right now! That said, I want my family to grow in a future that feels distant, but really isn’t in the grand scheme of things! I want to be a career mom, and provide a strong, intelligent, hardworking mom to two kids. Ideally, my kids will inherit the ambition that I see in myself and my future husband (the alleged father of my future children), which will translate into good grades and passion projects, whether it’s a sport or a creative passion, though they will hopefully enjoy both, my well-rounded little wonders. Above all though, future lacrosse champions or first chair violinists, all I want for them is to be kind, and happy. I think they will repeat what they see. So it’s on me (and Aaron) to create an atmosphere of love and compassion (and yes, hard work). On a grander scale, I’ll need to participate in our society to create the same atmosphere in the world at large. Our kids will experience the world outside our home more than anything else, and they deserve a world filled with kindness and sunshine. So, in general, a target would be showing kindness: to both myself and others.

3. If your health were perfect in every way, what disciplines would you have that make it possible?
Wow, what a doozy. Time for brutal honesty: I’m great at working out regularly. There, I said it! Granted, I have my bad workout days (see the first paragraph of this entry!), but I’ve grown consistent in making regular appearances. The gym employees know me, and I know the AM regulars (a bit of reverie: there’s a girl with red hair who intimidates the heck out of me at the gym I go to now, because she is so strong! I haven’t seen her since the new year started… I hope she’s okay! Maybe her work schedule changed so she works out in the evenings). And yet, my relationship with food is just… I’d call it a downer, if it didn’t make my weight go up so much! If my health were perfect in every way, I’d be drinking more water, eating more salad, and eating way less chocolate. And cheese. Yikes. I’d be way more disciplined in my eating. I’ve gotten better about water since 2019. I’m going to keep working on that, but I definitely need to develop discipline with my food choices. That’s actually why I got this book in the first place!

4. If your financial situation were ideal today, what one discipline would you have that would help you the most? 
Okay, I got this: saving. I’m in a tough spot, with a massive student debt and a car payment. I try to not spend like crazy, but I’m not saving like I should. I’m going to change that, right now. Just sent my savings account some money. Now I have it set up in my account, so I’ll send some money every now and then when I think of it. And I’ll be sure to think of it more.

5. Why aren’t you already as successful as you would like to be, and what one discipline would help you the most to achieve all your goals?
Wow, rude, guy. I’m 24, okay? Most of the kids my age have student debt and ambitious career visions they haven’t accomplished yet. Or they’re internet personalities who could buy me using their AdSense money. I’m taking it all in stride, because I know that great things take time (would you rather have a five-year scotch or a fifteen-year? I’m just sayin’). That said, I’m certainly not loitering! I do feel lazy and unmotivated sometimes, and I think that hinders me. I want to learn more coding languages just to be more of an asset at work, and I want to be as fit as some of the people in my circle (fitness seems to be growing lately amongst my peers… thanks, FLOTUS). Staying the course and reminding myself why I’m doing this would be a great step. Does that count as a discipline?

6. What one skill could you develop that would help you to realize more of your goals?
I gotta be honest, writing it out like this helps! I’m not great at journaling, as I tend to just write when inspiration strikes. I know that almost every successful person will tell me to write EVERY day. I think taking up that practice would go a long way in helping me get to where I want to be with my goals.

7. If you could wave a magic wand and be completely disciplined in one area, which one discipline would have the greatest positive impact on your life?
I know how vapid this sounds, but I think the one described in step 3 would make the biggest impact. I’ve lost weight dramatically before, and people who knew me before the weight loss said that afterwards I was way more confident and self-assured. I was less manic, and more me. I feel like I hid a lot and acted different when I was heavier, but when I lost the weight I just felt better about me. I guess that translated into a stronger (maybe less obnoxious? Weird? I don’t know people) personality. I think the mental strength that would come in getting the discipline that inhibits me from being my best self health-wise would manifest itself in my work, in my family life, and everything in between.

Okay, Brian Tracy, if you were trying to get me to figure out that this discipline was the one I needed to work on the most in order to get started, mission accomplished! I’ll do it.

My workout today was fire. My eating was not (I mentioned cheese and chocolate for a reason). Tomorrow, that changes. Game on, Brian!

I’m going to go shower, paint my nails, then read. I feel ready to conquer the world… then go to bed at 10 PM. Like a boss.


Day 3 and She’s Worn Out

Posted on by maljoylove

I got home from work at 5:50 PM and promptly COLLAPSED. I had a great start to my morning, shy of forgetting my headphone drive at home. I woke up early and went to the gym, completed a great workout, came home for a hot shower, did my makeup, made a delicious smoothie… but after I got to work, things started heading south.

I ate over my calorie deficit today, which isn’t the greatest feeling in the world. Work really drained me today! Things started picking up now that the holidays are over, and I kept getting case after case, problems to resolve, phone calls to take. I started feeling headache pains around 2. My brain battery REALLY started to drain after that, until I finally got home and threw on some PJs and took a power nap. I feel a lot better now, and I’m wondering what caused the on-rush of fatigue. I’m sure it was the early wake-up and the onslaught of work.

I feel like I can barely focus on screens anymore. If only my work life and happy time didn’t involve screens! Sometimes I think about removing my social media accounts and just living life offline. I don’t know how I’d enjoy that. A part of me thinks that I compare myself to others in the digital ether too much, and a break from the Instagram models and Youtube paradises would do my mental health some good. That said, it is not hard for me to sit back and be lazy. I think if I didn’t see all the people online, working their butts off at the gym and their work to have the lives they lead, I’d lose all motivation. Oh my gosh, am I competitive?

That said, I’d love to list some positives: Though I ate over my calorie deficit today, it was all mostly good stuff! My morning smoothie had fruit juice and two kinds of fruit. On top of that, it was made with my favorite sweetener: maple syrup! Bet you were wondering when my love of maple came into the picture.

I spent about an hour last night making my lunch for today: a vegan pasta with red cabbage. The cooked red cabbage made my pasta look purple, and it was so pretty and it made me happy. Colorful foods make me happy.

Courtesy of “Vegan on the Cheap” by Robin Roberts. Her recipe calls for GREEN cabbage, but my store didn’t have any so I went with red instead! Live dangerously, kids.

I’m a little bit less than halfway through “Becoming.” If I read during every lull in my day, I can make it to Saturday with a completed book! How cool would that be? With that, I’m gonna go take my make-up off, get my “look” ready for tomorrow, and read till I sleep. Sweet dreams!