Month: June 2020

I took a break. Here’s why.

Posted on by admin

Here’s a quick rundown of what my week looked like:

  • Multiple coworkers tried to take advantage of me (professionally).
  • My favorite social media influencer left her platform.
  • Her departure sparked a string of demands that people of her calibur on the platform should leave, with some of my favorite influencers being among them, for previous behavior (“she shouldn’t leave, THEY should leave) that I didn’t know about until today.
  • People have come forward with accusations of sexual and racially charged misconduct about people in higher positions of power.
  • Governor Cuomo (of New York) declared that Floridians are not welcome to visit the state without two weeks of quarantine after arrival re: COVID-19 case spikes (about 9,000 cases have sprung up in the past week). That eliminates my ability to go see my grandparents and best friend in two weeks.
  • I’ve made some dietary changes that are yielding great physical results, but the slightest inconvenience spikes my mood from 1 to volcano eruption rage.

I am emotionally and mentally fried. I want more from my job and I want more from my life, and

IWantToStartCrying
Everything is Bonzers! “The Good Place.” NBC. 27 September 2018.

 

My mother, sister and I made plans a month ago to take this weekend to go to Costa D’este in Vero Beach. It’s a midpoint between my home and theirs, and we’ve gone once a year for the past three years. It’s beautiful, quiet, and a good place for us to have girl time.

Our initial plan was to check in at four, to have dinner at 5:30. I told my office that I would be taking a half day to get there on time. Two weeks ago, my mother told me that with my sister’s work schedule and her work schedule, they would be arriving closer to six.

With that in mind, I could have worked a full day of work, and taken my last hour of the day as my “lunch hour.” I didn’t. I kept my half day. I needed those extra four hours.

In those four hours, I had a nice lunch with my husband, took a nice long shower, put on makeup, and drove down to Vero listening to a podcast about “The Office.” I arrived an hour before my mom and sister, and took the opportunity to walk the beach by myself.

It was everything I needed. When all else fails, take to the sea.

The weekend nurtured my soul, and seeing my mom and sister made me so happy. Coming back, I’m still feeling a little drained. I don’t think my big problems can be solved by two days of surf and sun. That said, listening to the sound of the waves, laughing with my family, and chocolate chip pancakes are a great bandage on my heart.

2020 has officially unzipped me. I kept a brave face for as long as I could, and I am by no means giving up, but I officially feel fractures in my soul.

I want to use this opportunity to regroup, retool, and rebuild my perspective. I have a lot of work to do on my mind, and finding out how to move forward in the best possible way. I believe life doesn’t throw you anything you can’t handle, so I’m looking forward to the challenge.

I would just like another minute to do that, please.

In times like this, be an optimist.

Posted on by admin

Today, I am overwhelmed. I had something akin to a nervous breakdown twice. My trip to New York to visit my grandparents and best friend has been cancelled due to growing cases of COVID-19 in Florida. To boot, in the past week, the world of stand-up comedy has seen the floodgates opened by way of abuse allegations from underage women against Chris Delia. Delia hasn’t made a public statement regarding the matter just yet, but bits and pieces of evidence have floated to the public eye and the internet is up in arms. One girl came forward, then another, then another. With that, other women came forward about other celebrities who committed acts of abuse, like Ansel Elgort and even Justin Bieber (though, to be fair, Bieber appears to be pursuing a lawsuit for the extent of which these accusations are false, and has files upon files and photographic evidence proving this one girl’s story is false).

Between racial injustice, the makings of a new wave of #MeToo accusations, and the killer virus that isn’t going away no matter how much we pretend it isn’t, I am feeling stressed out about the world right now.

Keeping this in the forefront of my brain, I want to take a minute to name some things that are making me happy. These are some nice things in my life right now:

  1. Last Sunday I made really good banana bread. It was my first time making that recipe, and I made it spontaneously, and it was delicious. I’m proud of that banana bread.
  2. I’ve been going on walks daily, when there’s no rain happening. Aaron has started to join me, and now we’re walking together after dinner. It’s a nice new way to spend time together.
  3. Jake and Rosa snuggle with me at the end of the night. Both last night and the night before, Jake slept on my pillow and Rosa slept near my feet. They are so sweet and loving.
  4. I am healthy and alive.

It is so easy for me to slide into despair headfirst, but remembering the good helps me balance out the bad.

I know things will be okay one day. Until then, I’m going to enjoy the sun (at a safe distance) and hug my family. That’s what counts, after all of this.

A Check-In, Before the Check In

Posted on by admin

Today, I’d like to take a look at my current ideas, plans, and growth potential, in a way that doesn’t reflect on my New Year’s Resolutions and my typical end-of-month check in. It’s not so much a life-update, but a statement of intention.

With that, let us salute… to General Breakdown.

generalknowledge
Slapsgiving “How I Met Your Mother.” Written by Matt Kuhn. 22 Nov. 2007. CBS.

  1. COVID-19: More and more people are rebelling against the face mask… and more and more people are begging them to not. Most restaurants are operating, as is my gym, and movie theatres are planning on reopening next month across the country. Social distancing is being practiced, and wearing face masks are required in most places. I am hoping that people will be strict on the face mask policy. Spikes in cases are being seen with the reopening of society, but that’s too be expected. We can only hope that it doesn’t expand too much.
  2. Makeup Experiment: I’ve been working on the makeup, sharpening each look to make it look better with practice. I’ve had very positive results with contouring, lip reshaping, and better foundation coverage. Along with that, I tried one of the tutorials for eye makeup earlier this week and it was IMPRESSIVE. I am excited to see the end result!
  3. Fitness Goals: I’ve completed Couch25K, and I’ve continued to do a 5K twice a week. I’d like to bump it up to three. I discovered at the gym that running on a treadmill is so much different than running on the road. I am not good at running on a treadmill! I’d like to change that. On a similar note, I’d like to start reincorporating strength-training into my routine. I’d like to go to the gym to muscle train three to four days a week, at least the three days where I do my 5K runs. On the non-5K days, I want to do bodyweight strength training at home, and then start Couch25K on the treadmill at the gym. I think that will put me in even better shape!
  4. Quarantine Productivity: It’s been mostly non-productive, and here’s a kicker: I’m okay with that. I want to focus all my energy into two or three things, not ten. I do want to learn new languages, and new skills. That said, I set out to hit fifteen thousand steps a day while I’m twenty six (excluding sick days). At my pace, that’s about two and a half hours of stepping! This past week I managed to hit fifteen thousand steps by taking a walk almost every day after work. It was lovely! If I take an hour to enjoy dinner, do some chores and relax with Aaron, along with taking an hour long walk, that gives me about an hour and a half of free time. If I use that half hour to wash my face, that gives me an hour to kick back and enjoy some “me time.” That will really help my mental sanity. Maybe I’ll take another look at those goals if we have to go back into a hardcore lockdown. Never say never!
  5. American History: I just want to take this down for prosperity’s sake. The Black Lives Matter movement has gone full force. There are riots and protests and marches demanding justice and police reform. The police officer who killed George Floyd was charged with murder, but Breyona Taylor’s killers remain at large (one has been fired. For killing a woman. He was fired. Not arrested. Fired). That said, yesterday was June 19th, or “Juneteenth,” a day commemorating the day that slaves in Texas were told of their freedom, by way of the Emancipation Proclamation… two years prior. It’s looking like it might become a federal holiday! I would like to see that happen, in exchange for Columbus Day. Most people on the “left” side of the things are in opposition to our president, Donald Trump, and his handling of the demand for police reform. Many are eager to vote him out in November. The current frontrunner is Joe Biden, who was Barack Obama (our previous president)’s vice president. Joe Biden has a past of both being too handsy with female associates (even one going so far as to accuse him of assault), but was also an instrumental part of sexual and domestic violence reform as a senator. I’m interested to see how the coronavirus impacts the election season this year. I keep seeing a Biden ad when I pull up Youtube videos, and in the ad the subtitles say (I’m paraphrasing), “I am asking you to vote” when Biden clearly says “I am asking you for vote.” A lot of people say Biden is too old to be president, and that ad makes me concerned, too. Like… you didn’t want to get another take of that? That says more about Biden’s team than Biden, though. I want to see Biden’s sexual assault allegations addressed, and I want to see how President Trump evaluates his time as president the past four years, and how he wants the next four to play out with him continuing with a second term as president. We will see.

And that’s what you missed on “Glee!” OH, SHOOT. “GLEE.” Lea Michele, best known for playing Rachel Berry on “Glee,” was outright declared a “diva” and borderline racist. After tweeting out support for the BLM movement, a woman of color who was part of the supporting cast called her out for micro-aggressive behavior and bullying her on set. Two other women of color who co-starred with Lea subtweeted confirmations of witnessing this behavior. Lea apologized for previous actions, but other stories trickled out of occasions where she was unkind, condescending, or rude to other people in her line of work. A few weeks ago I shared how much I loved Rachel Berry’s wardrobe on “Glee,” and I always had a soft spot for Lea Michele. After hearing these stories, I am bummed. I figured that she would have some sort of superiority complex, for being the little girl with the big voice. A rightfully earned ego, like Mariah Carey. Being aware of her talent and expecting excellence at all times was something that would make sense. THIS out-pour of unkindness was not what I had expected. I hope she turns the other cheek!

That’s it for a check-in/life update. I’ll see how things progress!

A Moment for Me

Posted on by admin

I have plenty of talents, and plenty of… what’s the opposite of talent? Weakness? That doesn’t feel right but it’s close.

One of the talents I have is my ability to take a moment to appreciate the little things. To me, the things that, when you look back on a lifetime, might seem like a blip, are everything.

Yesterday, I went for a walk after dinner to meet my step goal. I don’t really like going on walks after work because summer nights are typically sticky and sweaty and buggy. That said, I’ve spent so much time circling laps around my kitchen to get my step goal met, that I decided “let’s just go, I can come back if I hate it.”

I really didn’t hate it. There was a calm breeze and families walking dogs. I found myself smiling and feeling calm at the world.

Between rioting and thoughtless politicians and even more thoughtless citizens, that moment of calm meant something. I wrote this to remember this moment of zen:

I feel grateful tonight. And comfortable. That is special and beautiful. Thank you, universe.

Story-time Sunday: BIRTH!

Posted on by admin

Happy Flag Day! It can only mean one thing: Yesterday was my birthday!

Actually, side note: Flag Day commemorates the adoption of the first United States flag in 1777. It had 13 stars and 13 stripes. Apparently at the time credit went to Francis Robinson, NOT Betsy Ross, who didn’t get credit until like 100 years later. Apparently Betsy had an idea, told it to George Washington, then Francis was the one who actually made it or something? NO FREE CLOUT MAN. Kenny at the drive-thru did not INVENT the Big Mac he’s just putting it together for you and throwing in an extra serving of french fries in the bag for you because from the sound of your voice it seems like you’re going through it.

EXTRA SIDE NOTE: Today is also President Donald Trump’s birthday. Our president’s birthday is the same day as an important American holiday. Hm. I share a birthday with Chris Evans, who plays “Captain America,” the nation’s greatest superhero. So. Double hm.

ANYWAY. I’m 26 now! We kicked off the birthday celebration on Friday. I had to work, but my mom had flowers and chocolate covered treats delivered to the house! I wish she could have been here, but I know I’ll see her in a few weeks. After work, we enjoyed a birthday dinner at my favorite vegan restaurant. They make a very delicious vegan calzone, and if I haven’t said it yet… I love calzones. I just. I love them. I ate every bite and also split an order of bruschetta with Aaron. I did something I rarely do, too, and got a soda! It was my first root beer in forever and it tasted great, but my stomach wasn’t used to it. Super wacky!

When we got home from the restaurant, Aaron went online to play Call of Duty (apparently this is a special weekend for COD, you couldn’t get me to tell you what it is or why it’s special, I have no idea) while I ate some Ben and Jerry’s. Funnily enough, two weeks ago I made chocolate ice cream with crushed up oreos because I was craving a certain kind of ice cream, one that I’d had recently, but I didn’t know what it was. I made that ice cream to see if I could capture the fun (and I did), but I still had no idea what flavor of ice cream I’d had in mind. On Thursday I went to the store to get ice cream and on a whim I picked up “The Tonight Dough,” the flavor inspired by Jimmy Fallon. Of course, I took one bite and realized I found the flavor! A new favorite!

I went to bed relatively early, but I was too excited to sleep well. Between that and an active birthday, I am super sleepy today! We woke up early and made our way over, masks in hand, to Universal Studios. Disney is still closed for quarantine safety, but Universal was operating under specific conditions. In the parks, you had to have a mask on unless eating, you had to maintain a distance of six feet from your party, and employees were wiping down surfaces regularly.

Another fun detail: they only had about 50% capacity. Think about it. Small crowds, no one can be near you… that’s an ideal way to experience a theme park.

We rode Rip-it-Rock-it, one of the biggest coasters in the park, back-to-back! Keeping your mask on while riding a high speed roller coaster is TOUGH. Aaron and I both had to readjust at least once. After that we went on the Men In Black ride, which is a shooter game that I’ve gotten better at over time and visits to the park. I pushed the “Little Red Button” first so I got more points than Aaron, much to his chagrin! I love the aesthetic of the Men In Black ride because it’s very themed on retro-futurism. It’s so neat!

After the Men in Black ride, we went to Diagon Alley, the “Harry Potter” themed section of the park, to ride “Escape from Gringotts”, which was also tough to do with a mask on but in a different way. When you cover your nose and mouth and wear special ride glasses, the glasses fog up when your breathing has nowhere to go but up and not out the normal way!

Part of the “Lore” of the ride is that you go down to the bottom of Gringotts Wizarding Bank. To get there, you take an elevator. However, to avoid keeping people in enclosed spaces for too long, they instead had people walk through the queue. I was thunderstruck that it wasn’t a real elevator. I know how silly that sounds but I thought it was an indoor coaster! It made perfect sense for us to have to take an elevator down, and then walk up stairs to get to the ride at a normal height above sea level. Apparently that’s not the case. Aaron made fun of me to another employee that I didn’t know, but I chimed in “NO, IT’S AN ELEVATOR, IT’S JUST NOT WORKING RIGHT NOW TO KEEP PEOPLE SAFE.” The employee understood and said “Yes, the elevators are down right now, we have to travel by magical portals.” Aaron was caught and I felt victorious.

We had lunch at The Leaky Cauldron, and I got a delicious chicken sandwich and a Butterbeer (which is just cream soda with a fancy topping. Still, IT’S SPECIAL).

After that, Aaron got us a spot in line to ride the new Harry Potter ride, Hagrid’s Motorbike Adventure, but we had to powerwalk to the other side of the park to get there! The line was immense, but so worth the wait. It opened a year ago, literally, on my birthday last year, and it’s still the biggest line in the park!

The ride itself is a roller coaster where you either drive Hagrid’s motorbike or ride in his sidecar. I rode in the sidecar and it was so fast! I couldn’t believe a non-upside-down coaster could go that fast. It was the coolest ride in the whole park, for sure!

After the coaster, we split up briefly for Aaron to get his afternoon coffee. I wanted to ride the Hogwarts Castle ride, which Aaron didn’t enjoy, so we agreed to split up for me to ride the ride. However, the wait was too long so I instead decided to wait for him to return with his coffee while watching the hourly show in front of the Castle (a dance/stunt show welcoming the other wizard school competitors in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. If you’ve seen the fourth Harry Potter movie, it was just that). I realized “Oh my gosh, I’m alone at Hogwarts. The dream.” It was a nice moment, but then I realized I hadn’t had any water yet and it was ninety degrees outside at that point in the day.

Aaron found me as I bought us waters, and we made our way over to Jurassic Park. Aaron didn’t want to ride Jurassic Park, because at that point the sun was starting to get to him and the line was longer than we expected. We decided to sit down near the splash zone area of the Jurassic Park ride. I got splashed a couple of times before we sat down though, because I wanted a nice sprinkle of refreshment. Aaron then surprised me by getting us another spot in the new Harry Potter ride! He sat and recharged his mental batteries while I rode the Jurassic ride by myself.

A fun note about social distancing in a theme park: less people in each car REALLY helps you enjoy the ride more. It’s less noisy, and you can hear all the sound effects and musical cues a lot better. That was definitely true for the River Adventure ride. Because it was just me, I got the whole front row of the car to myself. THE FRONT ROW. Of my favorite ride. TO MYSELF. I just. So good.

After I got off the ride, Aaron and I went back to the Motorbike Adventure, and this time I rode the bike with him in the sidecar. It was even cooler the second time. After that, we took the “train” back to the other side of the park. Riding the train, even if it isn’t a real train, made me miss London. It’s special.

When we got off the train, we made our way over to “Animal Actors,” a live show with tricks and moviemaking secrets about training animals for movies and tv. I don’t think Aaron would outright say it, but I think it’s his favorite part of the parks. He always wants to go when we visit Universal Studios. It’s so genuine and sweet. The show was different since they couldn’t do the usual in-audience participation, but it was still fun!

It started to rain, so we went over to the ET ride. What I love about the ET ride is that it’s so essential and if anyone tries to get rid of it I’ll annihilate them. How dare you even think about it. The ET ride is so weaved into the fabric of the park that I genuinely can’t imagine it not being there. It’s so wholesome and fun, the most I’d be okay with them doing is updating it.

It was 5PM at this point, and we were starting to get tired and miss the cats. We decided on one final ride: Jimmy Fallon’s Race Through New York. I love the NYC theming of Universal Studios. It reminds me of what I’m working toward every day. So does the ride itself, as it’s modeled after 30 Rockefeller Plaza. It was a nice way to end our day in the parks!

On our way out, we stopped at the NBC Sports Grill (where I get a discount, yay!) and Coldstone Creamery. I didn’t have a birthday cake this year, but I did get their Birthday Cake Remix ice cream flavor. I truly love ice cream.

When we got home, Aaron told me to go check the front door. When I opened the door, there was a beautifully wrapped present, and a friend from work was waiting in her car up the street filming my reaction. I threw caution to the wind and sprinted over to give her a hug. It was the first friend I’ve seen in months. It genuinely made my day even better.

Aaron and I then sat together while I opened my presents, a lot of which were from his mom! I got a few gift cards, some beauty products, and a new pair of Converse, courtesy of Aaron. My friend from work got me a smattering of sweet things from TJ Maxx, including a photo frame and two bags of my favorite chocolates (we’ve been over this: Reese’s Cups and Hershey Miniatures).

It was about 8PM at that point, and the cats had missed me. I took a moment to write some thank you texts, and Jake immediately jumped into my arms. I wasn’t awake for much longer.

Between the day at the parks, the yummy food, and the presents, I felt so loved yesterday. My heart is full thinking about my birthday. Aaron was such a big part of making it such a great day… I better follow through with that New Year’s Resolution to give him a great birthday too!!

 

Offhand Notes:
1. I’ve been working on “The Experiment,” but with different methods. Yesterday I tried contouring based on one of the tutorials, and applying my foundation and eye makeup based on another. The overall goal is to put together a new makeup routine for when I go back into the working world of offices, so I don’t anticipate doing ALL of one look each day. More on this as it develops!

2. I finally went back to my facialist, and she gave me a new product to use at night. It’s a light pink mask that I leave on my face and chest all night. I put it on last night after wearing makeup all day and being in the sun all day and probably not drinking enough water all day, and I woke up feeling gross, like I had slime on my face. Then I looked in the mirror and was thunderstruck at how great my skin looked. Little victories!

The Haunted Mansion: For Kids?

Posted on by admin

Disney Plus has been a fun little addition to the world of streaming services. Though missing a few things from the archives, it’s still got most of, if not all, the old classics. Since logging on for the first time by myself (ie not watching a movie with Aaron), I’ve watched three of the live-action “family” movies that came out when I was around eight to ten years old: “Freaky Friday,” “Cheaper by the Dozen,” and “The Haunted Mansion.”

“Freaky Friday” holds up to my memory. The Chad Michael Murray plot is awkward considering the age difference between him and Jamie Lee Curtis’s character Tess, but still, it’s a Disney movie. There isn’t much there by way of “they put THIS in a kids movie?”

“Cheaper by the Dozen” is almost better now that I’m older and can see things through the eyes of a twenty something. Of the dozen Baker kids, I’m closest in age to the oldest daughter, as opposed to when it came out and I was closest to one of the middle daughter’s age. Also, pop punk. AND BABY JARED PADALECKI. He had a lil’ accent and everything.

Today, I turned on “The Haunted Mansion.” Inspired by the eponymous Disney ride, this movie scared the heck out of me when I was a kid. Now that I’m older… I’m still scratching my head at how some of this was put in a kids’ movie. High key violence and racism? Okay that’s a watered-down summary of “Us,” but I digress.

Here are a hundred thoughts I had while watching “The Haunted Mansion.”

1) The opening credits are on tarot cards, and they just showed two nudes in a tarot card. Like full frontal nudity. To quote Vine, RIP, “Is this allowed?”
2) I think I don’t remember what the origin story is here. I also think I do remember.
3) This movie freaked me out so much growing up, but I think that made me fascinated with it. I like being scared? More on that story as it develops.
4) And BOOM, violent death in a kids movie. A KIDS movie.
5) After being on the ride so many times, I love recognizing the music!
6) Cut to Eddie Murphy! He’s a real estate agent with his wife! That’s great!
7) “I don’t like this house.” “I want a divorce.” BIG yikes.
8) Oooop Eddie Murphy (Jim Evers) and his wife (Sarah Evers) are good at their jobs!
9) Okay now Jim’s at a tiki bar (maybe a nod to the tiki room) with two… REALLY white people who insist he stay for a drink. ON HIS ANNIVERSARY.
10) He comes home late. Sarah is upset. KIDS DON’T CARE WHO PAYS FOR THINGS THEY WANT THE ONE WHO’S THERE FOR THINGS. Oh gosh, here comes my CHILDHOOD.
11) We meet the kids: son Mike and daughter Megan.
12) Mike is too scared to kill a spider, Megan slaps it dead without a second thought.
13) Cut to Sarah receiving a mysterious call: THE MASTER WISHES YOU COME ALONE TO THE HOUSE? DOESN’T LIKE THE LOOK OF YOUR HUSBAND? That is two back-to-back red flags. It’s 2002 I think, right?
REGARDLESS. In this economy? What guy is like “Yes, pretty black woman. Come to my fancy house in the middle of nowhere by yourself.” Absolutely not.
14) Jim is very good at his job, clearly, they do well for themselves and have a nice car, but to the point that it’s affecting their family life.
15) The house only looks kind of like the house used for the Haunted Mansion ride.
16) OKAY THE GATES JUST OPENED UP AFTER BEING PADLOCKED? WHY IS IT THIS DARK AT 3PM.
17) It is a gorgeous house though, when you strip away the creepy. It looks like it has a greenhouse and everything.
18) Dad likes the car. Loves the car. Noted.
19) Massive cemetery. “Hey honey you know they have dead people in the backyard.” At some point you realize “You know what, this isn’t right. We’re going home.”
20) OOP Creepy guy lets them in the house. His name is Ramsley. Bad guy from “Get Smart.”
21) The house is owned by Edward Gracey (I thought it was Grady this whole time. That’s on me).
22) Edward Gracey is here, and this is AWKWARD.
23) All of this gives me the heeb-jeebs.
24) I’m SO uncomfortable. Imagine if Jordan Peele remade this. I know it’s a Disney movie but still.
25) Sarah’s looking at Edward like she likes him. The plot is vaguely coming back to me. I can’t remember if some part of her knows him or not, like “Dracula” or something.
26) It’s so cool to hear the Grim Grinning Ghosts theme in the score. It’s something else.
27) See if this were a NOT-Disney movie the whole family would have said “So this guy’s like low-key racist right?” Okay, if it weren’t a Disney movie, they wouldn’t have even entered the house.
28) Jim and Sarah have argued about work and Ramsley has separated the two.
29) Ramsley pours Jim a scotch. That’s gotta be a 200 year old Scotch. DANG. MONEY.
30) Ramsley says being a butler means attending to every detail and -LOOKS AT JIM- “knowing one’s place.” WOW.
31) Jim just seems like a nice guy.
32) Oop there’s a marble bust that looks like one of the ones from the ride! IT UNLOCKS A SECRET PASSAGEWAY and now Jim is locked inside the passageway WONDER WHO DID THAT.
33) The kids have discovered a music box that has SUMMONED AN ORB. a GHOST ORB.
34) Follow the ghost orb. Ghost orbs are nice, if I remember correctly.
35) Sarah is REALLY pretty and RAMSLEY KEEPS SNEAKING UP ON THE FAMILY.
36) Sarah is like “I can’t find my husband.” “Your husband’s in the library,” Ramsley lied.
37) Sarah walks in and EDWARD GRACEY IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR LOOKING CREEPY.
38) How can Gracey look totally creepy in one scene but totally charming seconds later. THE JOE GOLDBERG EFFECT.
39) WOW things you don’t pick up as a kid. Gracey says “Elizabeth,” and then it cuts to the kids following the orb. NICE. FIVE POINTS.
40) They have an old fashioned elevator. Like I would live in this house if it weren’t so spooky.
41) AAAAAY THE PORTRAITS THAT CHANGE!
42) AAAAAAAAAAY THE BUSTS THAT MOVE.
43) The house is breathing. It’s time to leave.
44) THE TELEPHONE. MADAME LEOTA.
45) Jim is startled by a crow. WHY is it always a crow?
46) The kids are in the attic now! They found the wedding dress… and a portrait THAT LOOKS LIKE THEIR MOM.
47) Suddenly WALLACE SHAWN APPEARS!!!!
48) Wallace Shawn is like “GET OUT OF HERE” and his scullery maid cohort is like “Do you guys want a cookie?”
49) The kids are hiding while the scullery maid and Wallace Shawn cover for them while Ramsley complains about the kids and Jim. “Nothing further shall interfere with the master’s plan.” Creepy.
50) THERE’S MADAME LEOTA. With that eerie Disney evil queen GREEN.
51) This scene makes more sense when you have been on the ride fifty times, but also the lore of the ride is different than in the movie. We’ve established through spooks that there’s a curse on the mansion.
52) Jim reunites with the kids, Wallace Shawn, and his maid friend. The kids know they’re ghosts. And there’s a curse. And they want to help!
53) So Elizabeth, the original Sarah, “killed herself” because she could never be with Gracey. IT’S RACISM.
54) Madame Leota says things aren’t as they seem, and they have to find the key to the curse in the crypt behind the house.
55) TWO REFERENCES TO THE RIDE: the kids want to know how to get out of the house and to the crypt. Wallace says “THERE’S ALWAYS MY WAY….” then BOOM they escape by carriage drawn by ghost horse.
56) Now all 999 ghosts are in the cemetery hanging out and doing ghost stuff. Including the hitchhiking ghosts! Neato!
57) Gracey is creepy but I would feel a lot less creeped if he were played by Matthew McFadyen. I guess they wanted to capture the energy of a dead man haunted by the ghosts of his past.
58) THE SINGING HEADSTONES. One of them LOOKS LIKE WALT DISNEY. YAY.
59) Megan, the daughter, marches towards the dangerous crypt. Mike’s ready to nope out of there.
60) How does Jim still have his suit on? In pristine condition? It’s been rained on, he’s gone through spooky pathways with cobwebs. At the very least he should’ve lost the jacket.
61) They keep referring to Leota as a gypsy. IDK if we can say that anymore.  Can we?
62) Megan has followed Jim into the crypt. Fearless.
63) Aw, Jim explains that he works hard so the kids can have everything he didn’t. Megan says “I didn’t know you had a bad childhood.” He says “I didn’t.” And she says “So why do we need to have everything you didn’t?” WOW. MEGAN. COMING IN HOT.
64) Now they have the key… and they’ve awakened the ghoul holding the key.
65) JIM DROPPED THE KEY.
66) Okay on the real though Megan kills spiders, knows latin and dives underwater in creepy crypt to get a key and then resurfaces to demons? Imagine being that cool.
67) And now they are trapped in the crypt… with spiders in front of the door. Mike has to face his fears to open the door.
68) MIKE OPENS THE DOOR WITH THE HELP OF AN EMOTIONAL PEP TALK FROM JIM ABOUT FEAR. GREAT. They’ve got the key.
69) Leota’s like “great job getting the key, go put it in the trunk.” THAT’S NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
70) Now everyone is in the attic, and they’ve found the spooky trunk.
71) Trunks are cool like they look spooky and they’re tough to carry but I would still travel with one if I had an assistant to carry my things.
72) THEY FOUND A LETTER. ELIZABETH WANTED TO RISK IT ALL AND MARRY EDWARD. SHE DIDN’T KILL HERSELF BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T BE TOGETHER. GRACEY WANTED TO RUN AWAY WITH HER AND RAMSLEY WAS LIKE NAH TIME TO POISON ELIZABETH INSTEAD MWAHAHAHA.
73) And now he wants to KILL SARAH THINKING IT’LL LIFT THE CURSE.
74) The kids have been locked in a trunk… and Ramsley has thrown Jim from the premises. Through glass. Onto the greenhouse, landing on the car. And shuts all the windows. Jim survives?
75) Gracey has shown Sarah the ballroom and is asking her about forgiveness… THIS IS SO WILD. I REMEMBER THIS SCENE. This was so creepy but I really liked it. The ghosts are dancing and Gracey is begging her to remember him, and Sarah runs away. He’s so sad, but confused, like “WHY DOESN’T SHE REMEMBER?” And of course Ramsley is like “She will don’t worry.” GAH.
76) Crazy that the car alarm is going off and and no one can hear it.
77) Jim is trying to break a window but it keeps repairing itself.
78) Ramsley is threatening to kill the kids if Sarah doesn’t marry Gracey.
79) “There are worse things than purgatory madam. I can assure you.” THAT was creepy.
80) AND THIS PART RIGHT HERE IS WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE TO “HERE COMES THE BRIDE.” THIS OUT OF TUNE, MINOR ORGAN VERSION HAS BEEN FOREVER CEMENTED INTO MY BRAIN.
81) Gracey KNOWS something’s up because Sarah is crying and he’s like what is that about and Ramsley’s like “Oh it’s tears of joy.” MMM.
82) Jim is sitting against his car and Madame Leota literally rolls up like “Wtf are you doing. Get up and fight for your family.”
83) This is a nice line: “You try, you fail, you try, you fail. But the only time you really fail is when you stop trying.” “What do you want me to do?” “…Try again.”
84) Sarah’s wedding attire is really pretty I would wear that.
85) Update: Jim drove through the window with Madame Leota’s crystal ball riding shotgun. They make it into the house and crush the piano in the process.
86) Jim is fighting medieval knights. Why did we as a society have medieval knight armor as home decor for a minute.
87) SARAH’S ABOUT TO DRINK A POISONED CHALICE?!?!?
88) Jim barges in with the kids!
89) Oop Gracey is all “GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE.”
90) Gracey has a sword! BUT JIM HAS A LETTER FROM ELIZABETH SAYING SHE WOULD MARRY HIM. THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD. THE BETRAYAL IS REVEALED
91) “Your union was unacceptable.” RACIST.
92) I remember this part: Ramsley screams “DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL” AND THEN THE EVIL SPIRITS COME OUT TO PLAY.
93) And now the ground is disintegrating to make way for a… fire dragon? It’s not a Disney movie without a dragon.
94) Oh but the dragon swallowed Ramsley and is sinking back into hell… but Ramsley grabs Jim! THEN GRACEY SAVES JIM!
95) Ramsley’s disappeared into the abyss but Sarah’s passing out… she had one sip of the poisoned wine.
96) GHOST ORB TAKING OVER SARAH’S BODY… and now the gates of heaven are opening and Sarah’s… turned into Elizabeth!!
97) Elizabeth and Gracey kiss and the rest of the family is like “… okay I get it that’s not Sarah buuuut wrap it up”
98) Elizabeth’s spirit leaves Sarah’s body as Sarah regains consciousness.
99) Gracey thanks the family by leaving them the deed to the house, and he, Elizabeth, and the rest of the spirits float up to heaven.
100) With that, the family is off to the lake for the weekend… with Madame Leota in the back and the singing headstones strapped to the back window.

This was a fun hour and a half of my time. I like silly spooks, they feel non-threatening. Also, I thought it was a fun way to readapt the Disney ride into a modern atmosphere… for kids. Again, if Jordan Peele remade this movie it would be a lot different.

Apparently when “The Haunted Mansion” came out it made twice it’s budget, but was panned for being neither funny nor scary. Reviewers can’t be trusted though, if you ask me, because apparently “What a Girl Wants” got mixed to negative reviews and it’s one of the FORMATIVE movies of my childhood. FORMATIVE.

What streaming platform has “What a Girl Wants”? I think that should be next on my “cinematic masterpiece deep dive!”

The Quarter-Life Crisis

Posted on by admin

A quick Google search and the top result being a Wikipedia article on the subject will tell you one thing: The Quarter-Life Crisis is REAL. Psychologists say that the phenomenon has increased greatly in the past decade, with millenials facing greater obstacles than the previous generations (with high student debt being the major contributing factor) inhibiting them from proceeding with the standard major milestones of adulthood, like marriage, buying your first home, and starting a family.

I’m turning 26 in less than a week, and thankfully, I’ve tackled one of these. That said, by 36, I’ll be expected to be well within the trenches of my career, in a starter home, and two elementary-school aged kids. I can say that it is “expected” of me, but it’s also what I want for myself.

That said, my birthday has me thinking a lot about the former of those “36-year-old” checkpoints. I want kids, a nice home, and great vacations. That will come with time and financial stability. But how can I get that point of financial stability if I don’t have the career I want?

I have wanted to be president of television for more than half my life (earlier career ideas included secret agent, marine biologist, and president of the United States). In the past week, I’ve been wondering if that’s still what I want. I love NBC, and it’s found ways to touch my heart in ways I can’t explain. But when I think about that job, it’s a fever dream of Miranda Priestly meets Jack Donaghy, and I have a gorgeous office and a gorgeous wardrobe and a high-rise luxury townhome in Midtown or a mansion on the Long Island Sound. I have so many details of what I want my home life to be, but I have no idea of what my career looks like. I’m so focused on the end game that I don’t know what the work to get there will be.

When I’m not thinking about that, I’m thinking about how much I don’t like my current situation. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my cats, my friends, my coworkers. But I want to cry at work sometimes dealing with people. It’s triggered me to the point that I spent my Friday night looking up jobs that involve no phone calls and no B2C work. I would even say B2B work included, because technically I don’t speak to the consumer, I speak to people who speak to the consumer. I’m wondering if I should speak to a career counselor, because I want to find something where I get to work with a team with the same goal, without having to deal with buyers or consumers. I want to create a plan for a project, develop the project, and then let someone else handle the logistics of buying and selling the project.

Does that make me a creative type?

While searching for those “don’t look at me please” career paths on Friday night, I just found myself thinking “What if I got a remote job on the west coast in a city that was cool and I was just super happy all the time?” Cut to me looking at houses in Boulder, CO, where I think about moving to sometimes and going to raw vegan juiceries and skiing in the winter. I miss skiing. I haven’t gone skiing in years.

But again: THAT’S THE LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK. What about the part that pays for that?

The next night I watched “Lady Bird,” and the eponymous character, while finishing high school in her Sacramento suburb, fantasizes about moving to the East Coast, New York City specifically. At a point in the movie she goes into Manhattan and I just looked at the city around her and every time I’m in New York, every time I see it, I just think “Who wouldn’t want that?”

Okay, I think I just had an epiphany: if all I care about is where I live, then maybe I should really go for a remote job that will permit me to live where I want whenever I want. Aaron and I can spend a few years living in different parts of the US, maybe even parts of Europe, until we find the place we like best.

I feel like that feeds into the millenial procrastination Quarter-life crisis symptom of putting off the future, though. But when I think about it, I have so much of life to live, and so much of the world to see. I want to see it all.

Okay, maybe not war-torn countries where they cut off your hand for looking a man other than your husband in the eye, but still.

I have time to think about it, but I don’t want to just think, or dream, about it. I want to live it.

I’m grateful I have Aaron to talk to about this stuff. It is important. It’s my fifteenth resolution, right? BE HAPPY.

I do think I’m prone to melancholy moments sometimes. In general, I AM happy. I just want more.

If there’s truth to the math of the quarter-life crisis, I don’t want to end my journey through life at 104 with any regrets. I’ll regret not taking chances, just going for it, or doing the right thing when I can. I have this recurring joke in my mind that stems from a throwaway gag from “How I Met Your Mother”, in which I thank “past Mallory” for handling things so “future Mallory” doesn’t have to worry about it.

“Future Mallory” should look at “past Mallory” and say thank you. “Present Mallory” just has to get there.

Cake It till You Make It – An Experiment in Makeup: Part 1

Posted on by admin

Two months ago, I published a post on things I wanted to accomplish during this time of lockdown. I haven’t made that much of a dent. What is it about me that has grandiose ideas but never executes them? Do I need to lower my expectations? Redefine the word? Bueller?

No, the solution is to actually execute. Which brings us to today!

Our Woman Crush Wednesday for the week is an influencer named Eleanor Barnes, but her online alias is Snitchery. I don’t remember the first time I saw her was, but she is a makeup wizard, somehow changing her face each time I see her! She is all about the aesthetic, doing full blown cosplays in her bedroom once a week (for the ‘gram, of course) and posting makeup tutorials on Youtube semi-regularly. On top of all that, she has a sick body that grabbed the attention of Queen Rihanna herself and is now a rep for Fenty, Rihanna’s fashion line. Snitchery actually fully grabbed my attention when she posted a photo in a gorgeous corset from Fenty, even though I had seen her floating around my social media-sphere for a hot minute prior to that post.

Anyway, I fell down a rabbit hole of her videos and fell in awe of her talent. She provides thorough descriptions of how she achieves certain looks, and I figured the best way to optimize this rabbit hole would be to actually try the looks myself.

This post is a step one, the pre-op consult if you will. Similar to my Glam-Girl Manifesto from last September, I’ve compiled a list of videos and the procedures detailed in them to guide me along the way.

I’m going to move forward with this post the way I would have with a Science Fair project board. I miss those. No, I wasn’t a nerd in school.

Purpose: The purpose of this experiment is to determine if I can establish a more polished and impressive makeup look. A routine that can be applied before work and trips to Disney is ideal, so that I still appear human but like a goddess trying to LOOK like a human.

Prediction: I will impress and horrify myself at how different I can look with different makeup looks. I will also figure out what lip style looks best for my face, as well as an eye look that does not wash me out or make my face look patchy or ashy.

Hypothesis: If you spend enough time on your face, then you will eventually find what looks best on you.

Background/Research: The majority of the looks I will be attempting on this adventure are from the aforementioned Snitchery’s Youtube tutorials. That said, I have thrown in another look to consider, courtesy of Tana Mongeau, who I would consider to be the ultimate foil to Snitchery.
Here are the videos being referenced in the execution of this experiment:
Tana Mongeau – trying EVERY SINGLE viral Tik Tok beauty hack blackout drunk. 
Snitchery – How YOU can look like Bella Hadid WITHOUT surgery
Snitchery – Why YOU should change your ENTIRE makeup routine | feat. Glamnetic
Snitchery – Why YOU should change your ENTIRE brow routine to fit YOUR face
Snitchery – The Secret To Perfect Skin… FAKE IT WITH MAKEUP
Snitchery – Why YOU should change your ENTIRE lip routine to fit YOUR face

Procedure: To accomplish this goal, I will go through each of the above videos one by one and following along. I will take before and after photos each time, as well as gain feedback from Aaron on what he thinks of each look.

In the next post, I will include my Materials (products used for each look), Data, Results, and Conclusion! In the meantime, let’s pray for my skin, who will be going from having makeup on it three times in the past three months to 6+ looks in four days.

UPDATE: This will take longer than I thought. Should’ve guessed.

 

 

Mallory’s Monthly Reads: May the Force Be With You

Posted on by admin

I’m back, baby! Four books done for the month of May. This month felt special, because rather than wanting to finish these books to meet a deadline, I wanted to finish these books because I wanted to find out what happens next… even though I kind of already knew what was next!

If you couldn’t tell from my previous book preferences, my tastes don’t range far from the meta-fiction and memoirs. I’ve always found reality is stranger (albeit less complicated) than fiction, so I’ve never really ventured into the realm of fantasy novels. At least, not as an adult. Growing up I read the Harry Potter series like everyone else and L-O-V-E-D the Magic Tree House novels! My children will be read both. With corresponding voices.

Meanwhile, I don’t think Aaron, despite being a voracious reader, has ever read more than a few memoirs or biographies, instead consuming hundreds of medieval, space, and fantasy stories. With that in mind, I decided to sample a bit of taste from him. In spirit of “Star Wars Day,” May Fourth, may the fourth be with you, I elected to read four Star Wars-adjacent novels this month.

Note: if you have only seen each film once, or you haven’t seen Star Wars, some of this stuff might go over your head. I’m not gatekeeping by any means, but if you’re scratching you’re head a little from here on out, know I was scratching my head while reading, too. There’s a lot. A LOT.

I’ve seen the films in the Skywalker saga and thoroughly enjoyed Galaxy’s Edge, but that has been my extent of dalliance in the realm of Star Wars. Aaron, however, has read nearly every book in the Legends canon (also known as the stuff that came out between the originals, prequels, and before the buyout by Disney). I don’t believe in the concept of “real fan” vs. “fake fan,” but if I did, I’d say Aaron’s as real as they come. I knew I’d be in his capable hands if I asked him for guidance on where to start. He quickly recommended the novelization of Revenge of the Sith (arguably the best of the prequels). He also mentioned that the actress who voiced Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker’s padawan in the Rebels and Clone Wars animated series, narrated the Audible version of Ahsoka’s standalone novel, as well as a standalone novel about Padme Amidala’s early life as a senator. With that, and the knowledge of Carrie Fisher’s memoir sitting unfinished in my bookshelf, I was ready.

One month later and I can successfully say that I am still confused but equally excited about the prospects before me.

Ralph Wiggum dressed as Princess Leia saying I'm a Star Wars
Image from Imgur. “Once Upon a Time in Springfield.” The Simpsons . Fox. 10 January 2010.

As I said, I’ve seen each of the mainstream Star Wars movies at least once, some more than once. With that in mind, there were some bits and pieces of each novel where the original trilogy or prequel films were alluded to in some way or another. Each time that happened, it felt like when the characters in the movie say the name of the movie, like “Ooooh! He said the the thing!”

 

  1. Star Wars: Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston. This novel acted as an in-between of The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. Padme Amidala has ended her reign as queen of Naboo, and her successor has asked her to serve as Naboo’s senator in the Galactic Senate. She takes on the role, and learns the ropes of dealing with politics where, as the little boy from Tatooine would say, “the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other.” As wacky as it sounds, I sympathized with the story of this former royal striving to bring peace and equality to the galaxy when it seemed like even her close allies weren’t interested in helping her. People make fun of her traditional clothing, her inexperience, and everything you can think of to diminish her credibility, despite the fact that she was one of Naboo’s most beloved queens in history. She eventually finds her footing with the help of her handmaidens and the few allies she makes, chief among them being Senator Organa from Alderaan.
    This novel is full of “Oop! She’s talking about Anakin! She’s gonna see him again in a few years and fall in love! Oop!” moments. It also left me balking at some of the dramatic irony. Knowing what becomes of Chancellor Palpatine and the senate as a whole, I remember scoffing and thinking, “Really, Padme? You’re gonna sit there and see all of this happen and it’s not gonna occur to you to think ‘Hm, I’m being opposed at every turn by the guy who I thought wanted to help me and the things I want are pretty moral things that most people with integrity would expect from modern society and he doesn’t want to help me maybe I should look into that’? You’re just gonna keep letting this slide?” The audacity of it all! She’s supposed to be brilliant!! How’d she not see this coming at all?
    That said, this line stuck out to me, as another female senator provided SOME guidance to Padme on how to deal with offensive news articles:“The newsnets went after you because you were an easy story,” Bonteri said. “Which is not the same as an easy target, so don’t get all worked up.”

    I wish I could send that to Billie Eilish, Adele, and every girl with a smidgen of TikTok fame. The novel leaves room for another (and maybe more than one) leading up to Attack of the Clones, and I kind of hope they write one! In the meantime, the prequel to this book about Padme’s rule as queen comes out tomorrow. I just might indulge!
  2. Revenge of the Sith: Star Wars: Episode III by Matthew Stover. Revenge of the Sith was my favorite of the prequels, and it was the first Star Wars movie I saw in theatres (unless you count when I snuck in for the last ten minutes of Attack of the Clones, which my brother went to see with my dad while my mom and sister and I went to see another movie and our movie finished early and I wanted to bond with my dad so I went in to watch the rest of their movie… which I don’t).
    Here’s some footage of eleven year old me watching the lightsaber battle between Anakin and Obi Wan on Mustafar:

    DeanPeltonThisBetterNotAwakenAnythingInMe
    “Environmental Science.” Community. NBC. 19 November 2009.

    Granted, I went in knowing what was going to happen as a result, but that didn’t mean I didn’t appreciate it any less. If anything, this novel had bits and pieces that weren’t included in the film, like a scene with Count Dooku that really makes you think about his duel with Anakin and Obi Wan. The dramatic irony is strong in this one.
    There were a lot of great quotes in this book, and I’ll bring up a few of them later, because they fit so well into what’s going on in the world right now. It’s been a shocking week, but I will get there. In the meantime, here’s a few quotes that stood out to me:

    “The adults have a sickening suspicion that Jedi cannot be trusted. Not anymore. That even the greatest of them can suddenly just … snap.”

    “But for Anakin Skywalker, the completely impossible had an eerie way of being merely difficult.”

    “Anakin realizes that this isn’t actually an order. That it is, in fact, nothing more than what he’s been waiting for his whole life. Permission.”

    Reading this, and thinking about my own personal struggles, I’m not gonna say I condone Anakin’s transformation, and what he does as a result of it, but if I were given all this power and all this dismissal of it and no one listens to me and everyone tells me what to do except for this one guy who ALWAYS listens to me and NEVER tells me what to do and then I get to be with the love of my life and the people I’m supposed to trust say I can never be with her and that if she dies that’s just life but then this ONE guy says if I channel the energy of this power I have that literally no one else has as strongly to save her life but only with his help can it happen but then those other guys are like hey you gotta kill that one guy… like… I get it.

  3. Star Wars: Ahsoka by E.K. Johnston. While reading these books, the Clone Wars television series came to an end. The Clone Wars television series was focused on (yep, you guessed it) the Clone Wars, from the perspective of Anakin, Obi Wan, and Anakin’s padawan, Ahsoka Tano. Ahsoka Tano’s story took up the majority of the narration of those last few episodes (which are currently being lauded for their storytelling, animation, and more). She’s a fascinating character, and this novel details what happened to her after the finale and before Star Wars: Rebels, which takes place between the prequels and the original trilogy. I think. I never saw Rebels. After what’s happened this month I will probably watch Rebels.
    There are a few detail discrepancies since this novel was released prior to this season of Clone Wars, but the overall gist is mostly the same. To me, there’s no glaringly obvious plot-holes. Ahsoka hides out on the planet Thabeska and the moon of Raada, eluding capture and a similar fate that her Jedi Alliance friends faced during Order 66. While in hiding, she plants seeds of resistance to the Empire, makes new friends with the planet (and moon) dwellers, and copes with her loss of Jedi friends, Clone colleagues, all while contemplating the fate of her Master, Anakin Skywalker. Again, plenty of dramatic irony. Having the voice actor of Ahsoka made listening to this Audible even more delightful!
  4. The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher had written plenty in her too-short time on this Earth, and this memoir focused on her life as the iconic Princess Leia. She reflects on her life prior to the movie, and shares the diary she kept while shooting Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. The diaries mostly reflect on her affair and crush on Harrison Ford. He was married at the time, and they divorced not long after shooting, but nothing ever became of “Carrison,” as she calls it in the memoir. It isn’t lewd by any sense, and Carrie mostly just recalls how it started and how in love with him she was at the time. Reading through her diary entries, and thinking about how charming Han Solo is and how Harrison Ford, even now, in his late seventies, can get it, I totally understood her feelings for him at the time. I mean oof, that cool guy grin. THAT’S MY TYPE.
    Bookending her reflection of her relationship with Harrison Ford, Carrie discusses what it was to be Princess Leia: not realizing at the time what would happen with this tiny space movie she shot at nineteen years old, being many a man’s first crush, and being forced to look at herself almost daily in a slaver’s bikini. She says that many young fans at Comic conventions didn’t recognize her as she aged, expecting her to be the young princess in person, and that many fully grown fans were disappointed that she wasn’t Slave Leia shape in her forties. Sometimes she struggled with people who couldn’t separate Leia from Carrie, and sometimes she struggled with that, too. Try as she might, which admittedly wasn’t super hard, she will always be Leia Organa Skywalker. More than that, she will be Carrie Fisher.
    Carrie wrote this book not long before her untimely passing. Her daughter Billie is two years older than I am, and she was in the sequel films and played a scene-stealing Gigi in the coming-of-age movie Booksmart, which was one of my favorite movies from last year. I don’t think anyone could ever replace Carrie, and I genuinely think Billie will come into her own as an actress. That said, if Billie has half her mom’s talent, charm, and “take no prisoners” fearlessness, she will be just fine. In her time, Carrie was appreciated for her brutal honesty. All that said, I hope that if there’s an after life, I can meet her, thank her, and maybe share a laugh.
    As I said, I had started her memoir when it came out a few years ago, but between moving around that time and mourning her, it was hard to pick up again. Today I did, and it took me maybe three hours to do so. No regrets. Here are a few quotes that stood out to me:When referencing her need to clear her mind through keeping a diary: “Better an empty house than an unhappy tenant.”

    From her diaries, when thinking about Harrison: “George says that if you look at the person someone chooses to have “a relationship” with, you’ll see what they think of themselves. So Harrison is what I think of myself.”

    By the way, in this context, George = George Lucas, the creator of Star Wars

    via GIPHY, from “Jasmine Masters handle your liquor”, posted October 28, 2015.

    “My mind has a mind of its own. I try to define my limits by seeing just how far I can go, and I find that I passed them weeks ago.”

    “I noticed right away that Harrison tended to quote philosophers when describing what he thought of the film. ‘As Winston Churchill said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts,’ he might’ve said when asked if he thought success would change us. He also might’ve said ‘Give me a minute–I’ve only been successful for a few weeks.’ He might’ve said these things, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t.”

    She also has a full diary entry where she laments her taste in men, and how she thinks she should just fall in love with chairs instead, which are at least consistent and sturdy. I won’t post the whole thing, but it brought an inner laugh.

I felt such enjoyment reading these books this month. I genuinely think I will return to Star Wars novels more than once in the rest of this year, they genuinely made me happy. They have symmetry, even if there’s so much I still don’t understand.

That said, in the past month but especially the past week, society has descended into madness. Earlier this month, people were protesting COVID-19 lock-downs with picket signs, few face masks, and machine gun rifles gently slung across many a protester’s shoulders, because they could. The government lamented and began decreasing restrictions, to many’s delight and many a frontline workers’ horror.

In the past two months, there has been a crazy strike in public hate crimes. Will Smith commented “Racism is not getting worse, it’s getting filmed.” Two men were arrested for shooting a black man named Ahmaud Arbery while jogging. He was my age. Breonna Taylor was killed when police broke into her home and shot her when her partner picked up a gun to defend them from intruders (her partner was shot in the leg during this conflict).

Another woman’s life is effectively over because she was caught on film making a false emergency call to NYPD. Amy Cooper, an affluent white woman, was in Central Park with her dog in a section where dogs are required to be leashed. Her dog was not wearing a leash, and Christian Cooper (no relation), a black man who happened to be in the park birdwatching, told her she needed to leash the dog. Amy responded by saying she was going to call the police to tell them an African American man was threatening her. Christian filmed the interaction, which also featured Amy holding her dog not by leashing him, but by the collar, effectively strangling the crying dog for a few minutes. Amy Cooper has been fired from her job, and she surrendered her dog to the adoption agency from whence she got it pending an investigation. That was just last weekend.

In the past week, a video was released of a white police officer arresting a black man and kneeling on his neck for nine minutes, killing him. The man’s name was George Floyd, and it was initially printed that he was being investigated for a fraudulent check. It was later announced that he was accused of using a fake $20 bill. He hadn’t. Regardless, the cops were called, and he was killed by his arresting officer, Derek Chauvin. Chauvin has prior entries of aggression, even racially biased aggression, and within the week of Floyd’s death, he was taken into police custody. His wife has since filed for divorce. Many are considering the implications, given that the wife was in an abusive relationship before and that most women in abusive relationships tend to find themselves in multiple abusive relationships in their lifetime, having been used to the behavior. With that in your head, she waited until he was away from her to file for divorce. It just. It does make you wonder.

The streets are filled with protestors, calling for peace and justice. As people took to the streets, the president tweeted that he supports the police in question and encouraged officers to shoot the protestors. His tweet was removed by Twitter for violating their standards (and many have called for the company to delete his account entirely, as people get removed a lot quicker for a lot less). This weekend has seen cops throwing tear gas, shoving protestors, shooting bullets at protestors, driving police cars into protestors, calling ICE to deport any illegal immigrants at protests, and bringing in children in riot gear as shields.

This is my world right now. I can’t gif that.

As I read through tweet after tweet of anger, flipped through countless Instagram stories about protests and unnecessary race-based murders, all of which are certain to continue, my blood boils and my heart breaks. I don’t really like talking about this for a myriad of reasons, but this is the best way to condense them:
1 – I am a white woman, with an affluent upbringing and no true influence (YET). My words are mostly meaningless and you know what, I don’t think white people should be explaining racism. I genuinely don’t think that’s my place.

2 – Retweeting “SPREAD LOVE, GET JUSTICE! :random emoji” is useless to me. Oh wow, she hates crime and wants everyone to get along, so she posts a social media status about it? How special she is!

NataliePortmanSarcasticallyApplauding
This works on two levels because it emphasizes the sarcasm of being “special” and it’s also Padme Amidala. Image from Google.

It’s armchair activism and it does nothing. I’ll sign petitions and donate what I can quietly. The rest feels performative. And again, *I* know that I support the cause. Maybe if I had 15 million Twitter followers or a high Youtube subscriber count, I’d feel more of an urge to make more of a public statement, knowing that what I said could inform people who don’t fully understand what’s happening here. For now, I’m just part of a millions-large Twitter mob that’s angry. Everything above what I do in the privacy of my own brain feels like a “LOOK AT ME!” show.

This week I watched as police officers assaulted its people, only to then turn on the Ahsoka Audible book and listen to the sounds of Stormtroopers murder citizens of Raada for the slightest dissent. There are so many riots and protests across America right now. Businesses are being looted and people are being assaulted in the streets. Buildings are on fire.

I write this now not as the performative activism I mentioned earlier, but for the same reasons I’ve reflected on Coronavirus in the past few months. Documenting so I never forget.

Assuming things lighten up in terms of the Coronavirus in the next few months, we will have an election to choose whether or not our current president gets a second term. I was convinced that he would get a second term, because the people who want him out don’t want the current frontrunner/ probable candidate for the opposing party to be president either.

Just in the past week alone, I think those who weren’t in his favor are singing a different tune.

These quotes from Revenge of the Sith have truly stood out to me in the past two weeks:

A Senator might carefully construct a reputation, appearing to all the galaxy as honest and upright and honorable, all the while holding the rotten truth of himself so absolutely secret that no one would sense his evil until he had so much power that it was too late to stop him … It was possible.

The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.

It comes only by the release of self, not the exaltation of self. It comes through compassion, not greed.
Love is the answer to the darkness.

 

To those directly impacted by all of this, and those who have joined them in arms in any way… may the force be with you.