Weight loss is a frequently mentioned beast on this blog, and this post in particular. If this topic (or any related topic) is a triggering one, please instead watch this silly video of a seal playing a saxaphone and remember things will get better.
Continue reading “The Weight Loss Thing: Let’s Talk About It”
Start your day right with a serene music playlist! Continue reading “Serene Music: Waking Up in a Peaceful State of Mind”
We are one week out from the month of August! I have to be honest, I feel like dog trash. Aaron’s parents have been in town for his birthday, which has meant lots of yummy… fattening food. I am bloated and my skin is terrible. My hair feels dull. My workout schedule’s been thrown off by a mile. I need a detox from the inside out or something!
I’m not talking a lemon, cayenne pepper, maple syrup and water mixture only for four days. I’m in need of a massage, a facial, and like… okay maybe that mixture just to get rid of the salt from the three days straight of meats and cheeses. And a Wonder Woman-themed Blizzard from Dairy Queen.
I’ve been looking at my self care/spa Pinterest boards for ideas on how to bring some glow back into my soul. Of course, “drink water” is everywhere.
Here are a few other commonalities for feeling (and looking) your best when in need of a “glow-up”:
-Exfoliate, shave, then lotion with coconut oil and vanilla extract or cocoa/shea butter
-Ice water first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening
-Put vaseline on where your perfume will go
-Brush your teeth twice daily and keep gum/mints nearby
-Cut the junk food!
Aaron’s parents are slated to leave either tomorrow night or Saturday morning! I’ll miss them plenty, they bring such love into the house and it’s nice for Aaron to get some family attention (I feel so lucky to have my parents a three hour drive away from me)! That said, I’m looking forward to getting back to the status quo. I’ve really been in the groove of a morning workout, work, a snack and a nap, and then dinner and a walk with Aaron before bed.
With that, I’m off to snoozeville… but I think I’ll have some ice water first!
A quick Google search and the top result being a Wikipedia article on the subject will tell you one thing: The Quarter-Life Crisis is REAL. Psychologists say that the phenomenon has increased greatly in the past decade, with millenials facing greater obstacles than the previous generations (with high student debt being the major contributing factor) inhibiting them from proceeding with the standard major milestones of adulthood, like marriage, buying your first home, and starting a family.
I’m turning 26 in less than a week, and thankfully, I’ve tackled one of these. That said, by 36, I’ll be expected to be well within the trenches of my career, in a starter home, and two elementary-school aged kids. I can say that it is “expected” of me, but it’s also what I want for myself.
That said, my birthday has me thinking a lot about the former of those “36-year-old” checkpoints. I want kids, a nice home, and great vacations. That will come with time and financial stability. But how can I get that point of financial stability if I don’t have the career I want?
I have wanted to be president of television for more than half my life (earlier career ideas included secret agent, marine biologist, and president of the United States). In the past week, I’ve been wondering if that’s still what I want. I love NBC, and it’s found ways to touch my heart in ways I can’t explain. But when I think about that job, it’s a fever dream of Miranda Priestly meets Jack Donaghy, and I have a gorgeous office and a gorgeous wardrobe and a high-rise luxury townhome in Midtown or a mansion on the Long Island Sound. I have so many details of what I want my home life to be, but I have no idea of what my career looks like. I’m so focused on the end game that I don’t know what the work to get there will be.
When I’m not thinking about that, I’m thinking about how much I don’t like my current situation. I love my family. I love my husband. I love my cats, my friends, my coworkers. But I want to cry at work sometimes dealing with people. It’s triggered me to the point that I spent my Friday night looking up jobs that involve no phone calls and no B2C work. I would even say B2B work included, because technically I don’t speak to the consumer, I speak to people who speak to the consumer. I’m wondering if I should speak to a career counselor, because I want to find something where I get to work with a team with the same goal, without having to deal with buyers or consumers. I want to create a plan for a project, develop the project, and then let someone else handle the logistics of buying and selling the project.
Does that make me a creative type?
While searching for those “don’t look at me please” career paths on Friday night, I just found myself thinking “What if I got a remote job on the west coast in a city that was cool and I was just super happy all the time?” Cut to me looking at houses in Boulder, CO, where I think about moving to sometimes and going to raw vegan juiceries and skiing in the winter. I miss skiing. I haven’t gone skiing in years.
But again: THAT’S THE LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK. What about the part that pays for that?
The next night I watched “Lady Bird,” and the eponymous character, while finishing high school in her Sacramento suburb, fantasizes about moving to the East Coast, New York City specifically. At a point in the movie she goes into Manhattan and I just looked at the city around her and every time I’m in New York, every time I see it, I just think “Who wouldn’t want that?”
Okay, I think I just had an epiphany: if all I care about is where I live, then maybe I should really go for a remote job that will permit me to live where I want whenever I want. Aaron and I can spend a few years living in different parts of the US, maybe even parts of Europe, until we find the place we like best.
I feel like that feeds into the millenial procrastination Quarter-life crisis symptom of putting off the future, though. But when I think about it, I have so much of life to live, and so much of the world to see. I want to see it all.
Okay, maybe not war-torn countries where they cut off your hand for looking a man other than your husband in the eye, but still.
I have time to think about it, but I don’t want to just think, or dream, about it. I want to live it.
I’m grateful I have Aaron to talk to about this stuff. It is important. It’s my fifteenth resolution, right? BE HAPPY.
I do think I’m prone to melancholy moments sometimes. In general, I AM happy. I just want more.
If there’s truth to the math of the quarter-life crisis, I don’t want to end my journey through life at 104 with any regrets. I’ll regret not taking chances, just going for it, or doing the right thing when I can. I have this recurring joke in my mind that stems from a throwaway gag from “How I Met Your Mother”, in which I thank “past Mallory” for handling things so “future Mallory” doesn’t have to worry about it.
“Future Mallory” should look at “past Mallory” and say thank you. “Present Mallory” just has to get there.
I am feeling quite disappointed in myself today. It is March 31st, with a new month on the horizon, and I REALLY missed the mark on my 2020 resolutions this month. I’d love to blame it on the lockdown and social distancing, but as Brit Hume once said, “Winners take responsibility. Losers blame others.”
I think today I want to look at my resolutions and reflect on why I didn’t meet my goals. This hurts me more than it hurts you, dangit!
1. Read 52 books – I started two books this month, and finished none. I decided to make all my books this month to be about women, by women, for women. I feel like a bad feminist for not getting this done.
via GIPHY. Saturday Night Live. “Weekend Update.” 2017. Performances by Tina Fey, Michael Che, and Colin Jost. Produced by Lorne Michaels.
2. Do pull ups – I spent the first half of this month tackling this head on, but then COVID happened, and my gym closed. Unfortunately, all my doors are too tall for me to place a pull-up bar in the doorway. I’ve been working my arms, back and shoulders doing home workouts to split the difference, but I’m not sure how effective it is.
3. Spend LESS. TIME. SCROLLING – This got SO much worse! You’d think with all the time at home I’d spend more time that I now have on more creative endeavors. No. BIG swing and a miss.
4. Write 104 blog posts – I managed to keep this one going!
5. Romantic trip with Aaron from Dec. 26 2020 – Jan. 2 2021 – Assuming this lockdown doesn’t last until December, all is still well here.
6. Stop engaging in schadenfreude – While there weren’t any intense rabbit holes, I definitely poked my head in more than once.
7. Take better care of my skin – My skin looks good! The skincare I have seems to be working for now.
8. Go stargazing – Haven’t gone yet. Too cold. COVID curfew.
9. Get a new job – In the beginning of the month, I churned out applications to each job I mildly had the ability to do well. I need to keep this up, but I think my timeframe isn’t as realistic with the whole world in a big freeze.
10. Do a handstand – I hope I can keep working on my upper body strength to pull this off, but I’ve also found a new way to work up to this goal.
11. Go see two of my favorite performers – Broadway shows are on hold during the lockdown. If we’re not out by July, and I miss my Hamilton date, I will riot.
12. Lose weight – No change at all, between me doing well and then cancelling it out with bad habits.
13. Give Aaron a great 26th birthday – My brain has hatched a few ideas for this.
14. Be a better friend, wife, sister, daughter, and granddaughter – I made a lot of effort towards this goal. I am adjusting pretty well to this lockdown, but a lot of my friends are going stir crazy and anxious. I think I’ve done a good job of being present for them. I went home and surprised my family with a visit this past weekend and I think that made a big difference! I’ve been working to strike a balance of being there for my friends who need it, while also giving Aaron quality time. However, I only called my grandfather once in the past two weeks. He and my grandmother don’t have company with them right now at all because none of us want to accidentally give them the sickness, and I can’t believe that I didn’t make more time to call them or write them or something.
15. Be happy – In general, this month was okay, but I definitely feel crummy today. I had a rough start to my morning and things didn’t get much better from there.
I know I will feel better when I’ve accomplished my goals. I feel so tired at the end of the day that I just want to do nothing. I just stare at my phone until I get up and go to bed. I hate feeling so numb to the world, and I know that when I have kids I’ll have to spend that time in the evening checking homework and doing carpool and providing my kids with love and attention, while still being a good supportive wife and sharing some of that time to just be with Aaron.
I want to take this as a learning opportunity to shift towards a more promising way to get past these bigger missteps:
I am a big believer in “there is no failure, only failure to try.” I have not abandoned my resolutions, even if I haven’t done as well with them as I would like. I will fall seven times, but stand up eight!
The clouds of the honeymoon are slowly falling away and making room for the clear skies of cooler weather.
I have just returned from a two-week honeymoon in Europe, where I had the best possible vacation a newlywed could want. Champagne. Pistachio Gelato. Empty streets that open up into crowded plazas. Fresh pasta overlooking the Ionian Sea. Nights lit up by the casinos and luxury hotels of Monaco. It was amazing.
All of that only makes my return back to normalcy all the more humbling. We had a ten hour flight from Amsterdam (we flew there from Venice) to Orlando, during which we experienced constant turbulence and a light that I didn’t know how to turn off for the majority of the time in the air. By the time we landed I was overwhelmed with nausea and a splitting headache. I pride myself on the fact that I kept my cool in the Uber home, and waited until I got upstairs to vomit everything I had consumed during the in-flight meal.
Aaron wasn’t doing much better either. When packing the night before, he stubbed his toe on the wheel of his suitcase, and had been experiencing knee pain the whole trip. On top of that, he was coming down with a cold! Come Monday morning, we were two weak and physically frail young adults who had to throw on the coffee and go back to work.
Aaron had a pleasant comeback to work, providing a high quality report to his supervisors despite knowing he was ill. While my coworkers were all happy to see me (they are truly the best part about my job), I spent the first three days back at work dealing with cranky people making request after request during a time when everything is shutting down for the winter. Things were so quiet when I left for my honeymoon. Why couldn’t it have stayed that way one more week?
My trip really made me reflect on my life where it is now, and where I want it to be. You know how they say the little things make a big difference? That applies in all aspects of life, but it felt doubly so in the hotels we stayed at during the trip:
Both hotels had baggage handlers, a piano bar, and the most incredible “breakfast is included” experience.
Top it all off with the fact that we were on a cruise in between those hotels, where the majority of the other passengers were all retirees who had the means and the time to just go wherever they want.
The more I paid attention to the little things that prove the extra mile, the the things that make the nice parts even nicer, I kept thinking to myself: my life has got to be like this. Forever.
I’ve learned a lot at this job, from a creative perspective. I’ve increased my endurance for problem solving, and I’m willing to go the extra mile to get something done quicker. When I started, I was scared of talking to people on the phone. Nearly two years later, I do this every day at work, but I don’t like it. Why should I do something I don’t like every day? With the life I want and the bills I still have, now is the time for me to really forge ahead and get a more substantial position within NBC.
It helps that I have a one-on-one meeting with my supervisor in a week, with a year-end self-evaluation due a week after that. I told myself I was going to wait until after the craziness of the wedding and the honeymoon was done. Thank-you notes aside, that time has come. I’m ready to go… all the way up to the top!
A week from tomorrow, Aaron and I fly out to Vermont for our wedding. Commence me freaking out over things that I cannot control.
Let me be clear: I am not freaked out about marrying Aaron. I’m most sure of him! That said, I feel this moment from “How I Met Your Mother” (season 4, episode 5, “Shelter Island”) best encapsulates how I feel:
Lily: You wait for the next crisis, you solve it, you’re a hero.
Ted: Yeah, but what if there’s no next crisis?
Lily: She’s a bride. There will BE a next crisis
–CUTAWAY CAPTIONED “LIKE FOUR MINUTES LATER” —
Ted: There’s a next crisis!
In the past week there’s been confusion over vows, hiring a videographer at the last second, a missed line in the contract for the DJ indicating we never ordered a photo booth, and tonight I’m worried there won’t be enough time for everyone to dance long enough!
I blame the sun for setting so early but also not early enough for us to get this ceremony done by 5.
BOTH my parents have told me that feeling stressed is normal at this time, but also silly. This day shouldn’t be about pleasing everyone, it should be about Aaron and I celebrating our love for each other. Everything else is just extra. But come on, everyone’s flying to Vermont for the whole weekend! I want it to be a night everyone remembers as being good and fun.
Whoosh. My brain feels wired. I wish I could just focus on the honeymoon and Aaron and not “what if there isn’t enough ABBA?” I should know by now THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH ABBA.
Britney Spears wrote “Toxic” about social media and this is an undisputed fact even though I’m pretty sure the closest thing society had to social media when that song was written was blogging (Update: Livejournal had been around for less than five years and Friendster was just beginning, and Myspace was founded in August of 2003).
I went on a deep dive of some of the people I follow on social media, and they’re all women living a more fabulous life than me. Beautiful, blonde, and living in chic homes in places with skin clearer than my future. At this point, I can’t tell if I’m following them in an aspirational way. I feel like when I see their posts, I just think “Wow, they’re so pretty and happy on the coast of France. I wanna be pretty and happy on the coast of France.” That doesn’t motivate me to go do work, it kind of just makes me feel sad that I’m not pretty and happy on the coast of France.
At what point do I clean out and only follow people that make me happy? I feel like if I pretend these people don’t exist, I’m living in ignorance. Contrariwise, being so focused on their presence is sucking the joy out of my scrolling.
I guess the bigger compromise would be that I spend less time scrolling through social media! That way, I spend less time on a screen, and that alone will decrease the amount of time that I see them. I’m trying to eliminate social media past a certain point in my day, as well as start browsing later. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had to cut down my morning workout because I check my phone in the morning and lose track of time scrolling through Instagram and Twitter! I can be ready in ten minutes for the gym, but when I decide to scroll a little bit before brushing my teeth, I’ve been up for thirty minutes but still in my PJS!
I was definitely feeling the melancholy over the filtered perfection this weekend. I’m sure these women have their bad days where they don’t cry pretty tears or their makeup isn’t perfect. The catch-22 is that even when the girls display their bad days it comes off more performative than authentic. It feels more like they’re trying to compel their audience to lean in closer, you know? I have off days too! I’m just like you! Call me crazy, but while you were sitting in the back of a pickup truck on a spontaneous ride to a mountain waterfall, I was sitting in rush hour traffic. The average person doesn’t get to do that.
I guess I’m also envious that these girls have created this reality for them. They live in a world where they sleep till six so they can choose to watch the sunrise, then either go for a workout or make a nice meal. Sometimes they do both, and a yoga session, before settling down to start their work day at 9. I’d love an extra hour of sleep to get in a workout and show up for my workday with perfect hair and makeup. Even moreso, have no set start time with my day and just go wherever the breeze told me. Climb a tree or swim in the ocean and live only on island time, judging the hours in my day based on where the sun lies in the sky.
I want to be the working girl who gets things done, but I also want to live on the beach and just dream away the hours. I don’t know which one would fulfill me more! What I know for sure, though, is that looking at the girls who do live their lives like that certainly doesn’t fulfill me. Poison paradise indeed! It’s time I find a balance between dreams, reality, and chasing them at the right speed.
I feel like I’m going through a strange transition in my journey of self-love. I find myself engaging in more toxic habits, as in, binge eating without abandon. I’ve gained weight, and I’m really disappointed in myself. But with that, I’ve had photos taken of me in the past tow months, and each time I’ve looked at them, I’ve thought I looked good.
I scrutinize instantly, without thought, and sure, after a while, you find something to hate. But more often than not, my thought has been “oh, I look cute!” rather than “Diet starts tomorrow.” Two nights ago, Aaron and I went to a late night Disney event. Not wanting to do anything when we got home at 2 AM, I made the pre-emptive choice to go makeup-less to the event. I look pretty, in my opinion, in the photos from that night. Granted, that could’ve just been Disney working its trademark magic, but who is to say the magic couldn’t have also been me?
Self love is a weird journey to travel. You have such a delicate boundary between loving your body by giving it clean water, maintaining your hygiene, and feeding it greens, while simultaneously living vicariously and ordering dessert because life is too short. I’m such a “Have some chocolate every night to stay sane” kind of girl, and I stilll don’t know if that’s toxic behavior.
My mom, out of the kindness of her heart, bought me some pretty dresses to update my summer wardrobe. I was freaking out to try them on, but they all fit and flattered! Meanwhile, six hours ago, I was freaking out at my reflection about having a thick upper body (too big a chest, larger shoulders).
I felt most comfortable in my skin when I was thinner, and I acknowledge that I need to make healthier choices when I eat. I also want to work out harder, I’ve been so sleepy when I get to the gym in the morning that I don’t push myself to the hardest I can go. I want to change that.
More than that: I feel like I’m so close to being unstoppable, but not being conventionally beautiful (read: meet society’s standards of beauty) keeps me from truly excelling. I agree that standards are changing, but I still feel like more likely than not successful women are fit and healthy. Michelle Obama comes to mind, as do the most accomplished ladies in my workplace. Not a hair out of place, full face of makeup, body by spin class (I say, having loved Soul Cycle but it’s not in my city yet? I DEMAND IT), that describes a lot if not all of the women I aspire to be, aesthetically.
At my most confident, imagine: strong, smart, compassionate, loyal, friendly, ambitious, talented, AND beautiful? That girl conquers the world. I feel like that is my destiny. I want that as my future. I want it as my present, but I’m ready to work towards it. Whose to say that by the time I get to “Mission Accomplished,” I’ve moved up a step or two in my career?
But with that, I have to go to sleep at a decent hour. It’s 9:50 (didn’t I JUST say I was going to stop being on the computer at 8 PM?), and it’s time to get in bed.
I feel like lately, I’ve been struggling with me. Work has been stressful with golf season in full “swing” (come back I’m not done), and I have a lot of self-imposed pressure to look perfect for my wedding in 200 days (give or take). I’ve had mini breakthroughs along the way, but I’ve noticed my low moments more and more and felt powerless against them.
This weekend has left me with a lot of gratitude. I’m lucky that I have family who made me feel safe and loved. Out of frame of this shot sat a kind of person I didn’t think existed until we met. I’m grateful for him.
Not long after taking this photo we wandered over to Strawberry Fields, where dozens gather to commemorate John Lennon (who, yes, is not my favorite Beatle, but his music matters). A guitarist sat nearby and someone walked past and requested “Imagine”. The crowd of strangers sat on the benches and listened as this girl strummed and sang the words we all knew. Everyone quietly joined in for the chorus and applauded at the end (I know “and everyone applauded” is very r/thathappened, but it did, I swear. No whoops or cheers, it was very polite applause). A girl sat with her mother crying and thanked the guitarist for playing that song, because it was her father’s favorite.
I’m grateful for that moment of community and love.
Before heading to the airport we found ourselves at One World Trade Center. It reminded me to be thankful because, as Lin-Manuel Miranda once so eloquently put it, “senseless acts of tragedy remind us that nothing here is promised, not one day.”
There were many beautiful things about this weekend, from our hotel to the food to the weather to the multitude of dogs. An absolute peak came from visiting 30 Rock. Twelve years ago, I was an awkward middle schooler who was obsessed with “Mean Girls,” and excitedly watched Saturday Night Live for the first time as Tina Fey hosted the show for its return after the end of the WGA Writers Strike. I am grateful to have had her voice guiding me through high school and college and helping me fall in love with comedy, writing, and strong female friendships (I hold Leslie and Ann strong in my heart, but the first big one was always Amy and Tina).
I wanted to work for NBC after that first SNL episode, and I’m so happy to say that now I do. It reminds me of how far I’ve come, and how much farther I have to go. A lot can happen in twelve years, so who knows where I’ll be at 36?
So today, I am thankful. I’m full to the brim with love and appreciation for the time spent this weekend, and I’m equally grateful for all the steps and missteps that got me there. I think twelve-year-old me would be proud of our journey. I resolve (and dare I say manifest?) to keep her with me as i move forward with this week, with this season, with the next 200 days, and the next twelve years.
If you read this, thank you. I love you. You can do this. Flurm.
